Living with depression is hard. To try and explain it to others who have never experienced the chest pains and the pounding heart and the overwhelming need to cry is, well hard. When you have depression everything is hard, from talking to your partner, taking care of your children, heck even being in the store with strangers is hard. Depression might be described as an emotional disease that’s all in the head, but wow when your heart hurts because you are holding back tears, that’s physically painful. And exhausting. Sleep is the only time the pain isn’t there, and even then, sometimes its in your dreams too. Sometimes I think I should take up seriously drinking alcohol. But then my brain kicks in and says no, that’s how we are in this predicament anyway.

My father you see, may he rest in peace, I loved him dearly, was an alcoholic all my life. I didn’t have a real relationship with him at all. He got so bad in my childhood that he would wake up on a Saturday, get drunk around 10am, go sleep, wake at 2pm, get drunk again, go sleep and wake at 8pm yelling at my mother for food. I’m not even going to repeat the swearing and emotional abuse that happened when he was awake. Because well, he has been dead 4 years already and his alcoholism still effects me daily. So I don’t really want to talk about that. Not yet anyways.

When I was around 9 or so my father started saying things to me like, wow are you eating again? And don’t eat it all Nik.. But the thing is I don’t eat alot, not then anyways. He would see me having breakfast in-between his drinking and awake periods, and then he would wake again to fetch the 2nd bottle of the day and we would be in the kitchen making lunch and he would say wow, you still eating!! And then he would sleep and wake at supper and of course to him, I was still eating!! As a result of this I developed a really unhealthy attitude to food and began eating more and more to numb the pain. I’m not saying its his fault I’ve been over weight most of my life but through numerous therapy session’s talking about this I really think it plays a big part in it. And even though he said those things to me as a child, he cant take them back. You can never un hear things like that. When you hear it from so young, and into your adult years it becomes the tape in your head, the voice behind your thinking. Its ingrained in me.

Even though I was skinny as a child I was constantly being told I eat too much. So well if according to him I already was doing it, I might as well do it for real. Right? The result is today I’m grossly overweight. Not morbidly though, I have a job and kids and do a lot of running around but I’m exhausted. Physically and mentally. And depressed because of it.

I am by no means blaming this on him, if I did I could blame it on my mom for staying with him all those years, I could blame it on the economy that my mother didn’t have a better job and couldn’t afford to leave him, and take it further and say its my grandparents fault my mother could never go to college and get a better education to get a better job, the blaming could just go on and on. All I’m saying is, it ruined me. It trampled me good.

And then there is the aspect that children who have an alcoholic parent tend to develop the addictive personality trait as well. I don’t know, lets think about this. In point form.

When i find a song I like, I literally listen to it for days even weeks on end. Not 1 album, not 1 entertainer, 1 SONG!! on repeat all day, 30 plus times a day. Sweet dreams on repeat anyone?  https://strawberrycat.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/sweet-dreams-on-repeat-anyone/

I haven’t worn anything else besides black slacks and jeans in 20 years! When Im comfortable in something I will buy 3 of them. Ill go to the store and buy 3 of the exact same item, so that when one gets old and is no longer wearable I have another for back up.

I’ve used the same hand bag for 10 years, and when it breaks I make sure I’ve ordered another one exactly like it online.

There was a time I drank too, in my teenage years. It got really out of hand too, until a really bad car accident put me in my place. I don’t drink much now, besides the rare glass of wine.

When I drive home I have a certain way that I like to drive and I cant deviate from the route otherwise I feel off balance.

Feta cheese!! Need I say more. I can eat a wheel of feta cheese with everything, on its own, anytime of the day (ok so I don’t know if that’s a trait but cheese!).

Curry, Oh my word. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner, and the next day and the next day and the next day again. It drives husband person mad. I just cant get enough curry. And I never tire of it.

And then there is the whole food thing, well, when I’m sad Ill eat something. Like a wheel of feta, because the repetitiveness of the action calms me down.

I’m 33 years old and still trying to figure out how to break these cycles and I know if I don’t then it will affect the 3rd generation. Like an atomic bomb, it does affect them already I know because I can’t be as active as I’d like to be with my kids, I cant hike (due to a steel rod in my hip, from the car accident I had while drinking and driving, because the alcohol grabbed me and tried to suck me in), I cant run, play soccer… and all those active things I desperately want to do with them.

These are all things I need to work on in my life, I know, but its the tape in my head telling me that when I’m uneasy to do something I know makes me happy. Like eat a wheel of feta cheese. How do I turn that off?

Responses

  1. blazeofobscurity

    I think your awareness is a step in the right direction. I also think (having had a similar experience to yours – alcoholic parent and some mental health issues) that you cannot be mired in the past like this if you want change.

    The temptation to look back and look at the path that brought you here is understandable, but you are becoming a prisoner of the past. You need to let go of the blame and shame, and stop worrying about the future and make small incremental changes to your present life. Otherwise you will never get anywhere in my opinion. Good luck, do what you can, take the path that is new and avoid the old habits as often as you can.

    1. strawberrycat Post author

      You are absolutely right I know. I’m only starting to figure these things out now and I find since I’ve started blogging them down It’s clearer to me. If that makes sense. But I have realized there is a pattern and I am working on changing it. I’m aware now. Thank you for your comment. Have a great day.

  2. teacakesand

    A heartfelt article… someone very close to me has depression and it is absolutely a horrible thing sometimes, so much so that I cannot even articulate what that person is going through, least of all the others it affects. Honestly, thank you for this article, but yes, you are aware (and have thus already broken one part of the large cycle), and that is the first step in making those changes that will benefit you and your family in the future. Thank you for writing this, and I hope you find that peace within yourself soon <3 x

    1. strawberrycat Post author

      Thank you so much. I have been writing what I feel, and its a double edged sword as some dont get it. And I never know if anyone is actually getting anything from it unless you comment. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really hope you will continue reading. Depression is something that cannot be explained, and its different for everyone. Just know that im sure your loved one appreciates you being there. Even if you are just there to be silent together and not say a word. We dont like too much social interaction but then we dont like to be alone either. So sometimes just having someone there and not feeling pressured to say anything is all we need. I try to see the funny side of my life, I dont see it at the time and I cry alot. But then I come here and let it all out. And if I touch one persons life, however far they are, thats all I want. So thank you for reading. Have a great day further.

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