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I was enjoying a quiet morning curled under the warm covers, reading, a puppy at my feet and a cat curled tightly against my ribs. I read a piece on humanizing God and a piece on creativity. There were elements about both that rang true and gave me a-ha moments. It also made me begin to think about connections.

I am constantly in awe of the fact that almost every action we undertake seems to be about finding connection. Now I know there are hermits and recluses out there, but I maintain, even they are trying to find connections to something, if not someone…

Connection… as I read the stories of “Otherland” and am caught up in the ideas of myth and lore… as I pull the blankets close in their semi-garbled nest that is indicative of my squirming and yet desire to find some kind of order. As I read and read to find others who have experienced something similar and might give me guidance along my journey. The guidance I am so longing for in my quiet solitude.

Lovers, real or imagined have fallen away. Refusing to continue with me on this journey. Their journey was too fraught with its own perils, they could not be a part of mine. The draped paw of the rescue dog who looks to me for comfort, not knowing that my comfort comes from her and yet, I am quite sure we are neither strong enough on some evenings to do more than quiver in our bed.

Friends, or those who have claimed to be, who do not answer the text, not because they don’t care, but because I have either not given enough, or they are caught up in their own dramas and woes… I stumble along in this darkness alone again.

Connection… I wish it and seek it, but like so many others, it is fleeting, nebulous or nonexistent. Connection, the sister whose attention is overwhelmed by her children and her career, the parents who are lost in the aging and sorrow process they have chosen, the ex who is caught up in his own hurt and confusion, the children who are searching for their guideposts, and the potential lover that never found his way to my door, because of his own insecurities, his own history and self-esteem issues. He was scared off by my need and requests. He refused to acknowledge we might have been healing balms for each other. Or maybe that is only my wishful thinking once again for … connection.

We seek connection in the animal friends we choose to surround ourselves with, in the words we read, the walks we go on, in the nature that we hope to remind ourselves we are a part of, in the thoughts we place on the page… We seek connection. In the humanizing of our gods, the projections of our desires on to others, the wish for something that transcends, that is more…

The stroke of fur… is it really just another being looking for primal comfort from us and do we really believe the ‘lesser’ being is that…’lesser’? What of the daughter who claims to try and contact us but goes weeks at a time with little more than texts, or the son who refuses to acknowledge any kind of relationship? What of the brother who is so wrapped up in dealing with his own family, he has no ability or concept of my needs? Did I not do the same to him when my family was young?

And oh, the potential lover… the one I wanted to be here with me in the physical sense and the spiritual…he did not believe he could be here for me in any way other than physical and so he chose to not be present at all. Is that the ultimate act of kindness on his part or the carrot on the stick of someone who is playing some kind of game, both with my needs and his own issues?

Connection… I keep looking for it. In the 14-year old boy who is striving to make a difference in a fictional story, but is he really so different from my 47-year old female self who just wants to be acknowledged and understood? I want to be someone’s favorite. Someone’s joy and delight while I find joy and delight in them. Where is that connection? Isn’t that what we are all looking for in some form or another?

Connection… isn’t that what religion is about? Humanizing a god, trying to be ‘made in His image’, hoping we can find an action or a phrase that will make us either worthy or knowledgeable of the secret code that will get us into the accepted group or privileged position? We want to belong, somewhere, somehow…

All this talk about finding your own happiness within, not relying on others to fill you up or bring you down, and yet at the same time you hear that nothing matters more than relationships… Does anyone else see the dichotomy here? Am I too ignorant to understand how you can work with both of these seemingly opposite ideals? What am I missing?

I know for a fact that I often feel as if I am missing connection.

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