In recent reflective moments, I’ve come to realise that the life I did not choose to have has been indeed, the road less travelled..
Things with the dizziness and vertigo haven’t been doing well. Add on excruciating pains that I call ‘electric shock’ from my spine that stabs me as I take each breath or cough, or sneeze sure completes the order of an ‘unhappy meal’. It’s a period of flare up that seems to never reach the end, only continuously descending me into a pit of anguish.
I have been equidistant between the points of depressed and suicidal. It’s not the worst of states I’ve been in but I’m just threading on a very thin line. The thought of my sister having to live with a factual account of her older sibling bring forth her expiry date simply breaks my heart. Having lost a high school best friend to suicide gave me a huge and unwanted tour of the feeling called ‘stab me in the chest and heart repeatedly but I can’t seem to ever die from it but live with it forever‘.
See also: Regret, guilt, swollen eyes and self-blame
I cannot bring myself to leave my sister with that feeling. Life in modern society and its standards are tough enough. To live a God-fearing life is tough enough in this sin-influenced world and I don’t wish to add another burden onto her. That is what keeps me alive on days where I feel a force inside of me drawing me to the window to take a long trip down.
I do not have much to write about for now with this blank state of mind. Too many doctors, too many scans, too many medication try-outs have exhausted and sucked the soul out of me.
To continue searching for a cure or not? Money is flying away quicker than dead skin cells falling off my body each day.
The daily nightmares from traumas (PTSD) don’t help too when you jerk out of your sleep and wake up in tears and a palpitating heart that hits the ‘start’ button to the vertigo.
Trusting in God is no easy task. The honest truth is that it isn’t easy to be a follower of Christ in this world itself, much less take that winding path full of obstacles with an added ‘special order’ of strange illness/es that doctors can’t seem to figure out.
A test of faith indeed. Will I eventually give in to the voices in my head and heart? Or will I trudge on and keep picking myself up like I usually do and have been doing all my life? I am tired. Fatigue shows itself even on the strands of my lacklustre hair and dehydrated cuticles.
This post is an acknowledgement and encouragement of all who are doing their best to live with similar battles.
Let’s do this. We’ve done this for so long anyway. There is a purpose, and we mustn’t give up on ourselves even if doctors have.
“Sent forth His word to heal them and snatched them from the grave” – Psalm 107:20
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression