Today, I took a step back and told myself that I’m not okay. I’m starting to lose passion and hope in something that has brought me passion and hope in life. The other day I was listening to a Ted Talk about a doctor that experienced burnout. A burnout is self-explanatory – when a person becomes cynical and somewhat self-absorbed where they tend to stop empathizing and sympathizing with people.The reason why I said I wasn’t okay today is because I felt cynical in a way. I felt like I wasn’t going to be myself. I remember a time in Maimonides hospital where I had a 3 AM MRI & the tech knew something was wrong but wasn’t allowed to say anything. Although it was 3AM, he still took time to sit with me and entertain me to make my time pass better. This tech did not sympathize nor empathize with me, but, he was compassionate. The reason I’m sharing this is because I thought going into this field there would be more people like this guy. Unfortunately, reality made me realize that those were a rare few.
After my treatment, I was completely lost in life and started to reminisce on days that brought me to where I am now as a person. There were two things constantly correlating in my brain: photography and radiology. I kept applying to jobs that had no significant meaning to me just to get me back into the world and I kept forgetting photography and radiography. Going back to what I first said in the beginning, that was the first time in my life that I took a step back and said I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay for a lot of different reasons then – back then, I thought I wasn’t in control. I was applying to positions that I held as a young adult which wouldn’t suit my lifestyle now. I was able to, through failures and misery, understand that the roots of all problems don’t really start off with anyone else but you. Unfortunately, but fortunately enough, I was blessed enough to have cancer. It taught me to stop waiting on someone to give you a purpose to life because in actuality, your purpose is what you choose it to be.
Losing my passion for a moment today made me realize how much more I love this field and how much more I can bring back to a place that I feel has lost a sense of empathy and compassion. My message to everyone would be never to stop believing in things you love, even when your environment – or even your own body – tells you different. Be blessed and happy for every moment you have in life. Live for the memories and capture moments.