I’ve been struggling to write a blog post over the past few weeks. Mainly because so much has happened and life has felt so turbulent that my feelings have been all over the place. With that came the thought that if I was to write something it wouldn’t be a true representation of how I was feeling as my feeling were so mixed.

What I’ve decided to do is one of those good old lists, two actually with one talking about my fears and worries and the other talking about good things happening and my hopes. So here goes with list one: My worries and fears.

  1. I will constantly be changing from one job to the next never getting in the industry and sector I want to be in.
  2. I won’t last living away from my parents.
  3. Other women.
  4. The future won’t be good, it’ll be a cold, dark and lonely place.

List two will address my fears and show the positive things going on in my life:

  1. I have worked in many jobs over my adult life but I don’t have trouble finding jobs in general. I have just been offered a job in the performing arts sector which is something that I have been passionate about since I was a small child. It’s a part time job and it’s a foot in the door to work my way up the career ladder. When I went for my interview last week, the manager apologised for not offering me the marketing job that I went for previously and explained why. From this I got that I stood a good chance of that job and was pipped at the post. I have decided to go for it despite it being part time and low paid because it will give me the venue experience I need. I have gone for it because I owe it to myself to chase my desires and do what makes me the best version of myself.
  2. This is a fear that I have but I know that I will try my best to live independently, I know that I like living away from them and having my own space and I also know that I look forward to a Sunday lunch and catch up with my folks but then being able to my own home. I’m going to try and hold onto this for as long as I can.
  3. Smarter, prettier, sexier, funnier, younger women. Original and unique women. Brave women. Women who unnerve me and make me feel insecure. Women which are too close for comfort. Feeling like I’m not enough of any of these things, feeling my light shines dimly with all of these traits and assets and wondering why anyone would want such a weak representation of these things. I have to think about my path through life and choices and I know that I have and still am showing bravery others wouldn’t. I can be smart and funny ( I said something jokey to my boyfriend and we both knew it was pretty darn witty…) I often get compliments on my eyes, skin, hair and lips and parts of my figure. I’m goofy, not sexy no denying that and I’m the oldest I’ve ever been but I don’t feel worn out or lacking in energy. So, I guess I’m saying I’m not the worst women to be with. Below I’ve put a photo of a recent modelling shoot I did where I was told I was “interesting to photograph”. I really loved being called interesting in this context.

AL-66

  1. We can’t control our future, the majority of what will happen is out of our control so we need to go with the opportunities we get and live in the present.

Take what hand you’ve been dealt and use it to your best advantage. Although, like me you might feel boring and easily blended into the crowd, you are the only you there is and really, all we have is now.

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  1. myowncalcuttablog.com

    You’re gorgeous and you write well! I’m going through some thought times now also…the key is not to let the situation define you. I love your line “I’m the oldest I’ve ever been.” Aren’t we all? Hoping for the best for ya!