Thank you BayArt for the support! Please visit https://victoriadeyemi.wordpress.com/2017/09/01/home-aug-2017/ for the prequel to this piece. And visit https://victoriadeyemi.wordpress.com/ for more posts like this one.
I run away from people who ask me to trust them, how could I trust a person when I can’t really trust myself? I cannot definitively say without a doubt that I will always behave in a certain way. My way of thinking, reactions and behavioural patterns are contingent in nature. The only constant thing I am subject to is change; the only thing I can constantly guarantee about myself is that I will change. Therefore, if I cannot predict my own actions and reactions, how then can I trust others?
I think the problem I came across with having this mindset is that it meant that I could not grow. In the middle of everything falling apart, God asked me to trust him and I ran. Not just because I didn’t want to but it felt like an impossible task. How could I be expected to trust a being that I have never seen or can predict when I cannot trust even myself? There was no basis for that sort of action it was ludicrous and I felt like I had everything to lose. But right now I have found myself in the same position of helplessness that I was in last year and the year before that and the year before that. To really emphasise the repetition of this state, I have used Maisou an old HB pencil sketch from 2015. Even though it is 2 years old, it is an exact representation of how I feel now.
Right now everything feels like it sucks, in spite of that I am learning that I have to trust that everything will be alright, even though the only clear sign for that is the small still voice in my mind telling me so. It’s time to change again, and this time I really should take that leap of faith, so I will. I may not feel as optimistic about my decision tomorrow as I do today. But none of that really matters as long as it means that I am no longer running.