Today was exactly two years since my cancer has been defeated. Defeated like the last misled left one earth. Today felt a lot different thought; I woke up around 7:30 am to check my emails. One email said Mount Sinai and I quickly opened it like I was expecting the worst of the worst. I logged into my image share and it showed my MRI scan dated 4/3/16 (both spine and head) and figured they were posted from this weekend, not realizing it was a year off.
Fast forward towards midday around 11 am– I wanted to reread my scans, and then realized what I had read before was a year off. For those couple of hours in between, I felt great. I felt untroubled like I had beaten cancer again, not until realizing that I read the wrong result which suddenly brought me down. I removed myself from class and started quickly calling the radiography center to see where my results were. This didn’t happen until I panicked. We tend to worry about things that we can’t change. Just the night before, I went to sleep just fine because I knew that I couldn’t change the results of today, so why did I start to panic when the results I read were wrong?
I am no longer going to sit here and complain, or feed focus into stuff that’s already determined for us in life. If I did an MRI the night before and the next day my results weren’t ready, or there was an error in receiving the images, guess what- those images are still those images regardless of how much you worry or how fast you get them. Now the result of the images can be pictured of how you take them in, and if it is bad then you start looking for the good resources to make them good again. If there is no bad news, then you take your calling in life for what it is. We all have expiration dates on us, the only thing is that we can not tell when we are due to expire. Why rush everything when there is no reason to rush.
My new normal is being cancer-free again- I am finally starting to learn how to accept that as a person. I used to always worry about the things that I couldn’t control, and the things that I could control. I used to smoke cigarettes even before the doctor gave me the okay to eat food from the outside world – and kept lying to myself saying that I’m only smoking one & it wouldn’t hurt me. Up until I got a phone call from someone that I will keep anonymous. He told me his story of cancer, so i started asking all the questions anyone would ask another cancer patient. He told me the complete opposite – something I was feeling for a while. He made me feel like he was lying to himself about his cancer not to face his problems with his family. I started to see that that’s also what I was doing, I was smoking cigarettes being so stupid with life yet preaching perfection to everyone around me. This January, I made a promise to myself and my fiance that I would quit smoking because my scans kept coming back clean, but only after I smoked this one last Newport to celebrate a clean scan. In reality, a part of me wanted to stay sick. People that loved me viewed me as fake, yet the outside world understood me. You can take the money of the garbage to remove the smell, but you can never remove the fact that the money was once in the garbage, kinda like me. People viewed me as being that shitty person, but now I’m trying to be good and to them it’s an act. To the outside, I’m a miracle, blessing from God.
I also found Cannabis during my battle with cancer, that made me face so many more challenges along with cancer. At first, I faced an opiate battle to where I had to lose a family member to realize that it was a problem. Thank God I never stole to get them- I was prescribed them, but was lying to doctors about my pain, to keep getting more. When I gave that up I felt like now I have to start living again, so I started to look for fast money to get back lost time but the real matter was that i was creating a bigger hole for myself. When I gave up medication, I started gambling my own money, that spiraled fast after one night I won three thousand dollars in a casino, which booked me a trip. I was getting lost in the money- the fast money & I stopped caring about how I got it. I started stealing to get money, from my father. A person I looked up to my whole life, a person that was a leader… that never followed even though his choices in life only gave him the path to follow. Last month, I told my father the truth, with came with a lot of emotions. The point of all this is to accept yourself, stop complaining, and do better.
I no longer want to be the old me, I like the new one so much better. If this new me can tell anyone anything, it would be to stay yourself now because you can be so open minded to a world that is so closed, and to also continue on allowing people to laugh at you for being different. Because you laugh that they are the same. Being the same isn’t a good thing- we wouldn’t be able to learn & we’d become prisoners to our own brains. The brain then will control your mind to only follow. Lead and if no one follows, that isn’t the leader’s problems because he is supposed to lead the followers to the goal, not carry them. May Allah, Buddha, or anything you believe in, give all you gorgeous souls health.