117+ TIMELESS Ron Swanson Quotes You Need Right Now

Ronald Ulysses Swanson is a fictional character, portrayed by Nick Offerman, from the situation comedy television series Parks and Recreation on NBC, created by Greg Daniels and Michael Schur. Hilarious and memorable Ron Swanson quotes has lovable humanity, wit, and intelligence.

Legends never die, and with a lot of punchlines, most hilarious Parks and Rec quotes will make you laughter in a unique comedic style. Between classic Leslie Knope quotes and memorable Tom Haverford quotes, all of them will help put a smile on your face.

We can make our reality a little funnier by remembering funny April Ludgate quotes, iconic Jean-Ralphio quotes and relatable Andy Dwyer quotes, that are guaranteed to make you day.

Best Ron Swanson Quotes

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win, and when I don’t, I get furious.

I’m not interested in caring about people.

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.

I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.

Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.

It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

I regret nothing. The end.

My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.

You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’

Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

Turkey can never beat cow.

Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.

Friends: one to three is sufficient.

There is only one bad word: taxes.

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me!

Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

Classic Ron Swanson Quotes To Live By

April: Ready?
Ron: I was born ready. I’m Ron fkng Swanson.

Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’

I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.

The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.

I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.

Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow of yours.

I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.

You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.

I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins.

An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA.

I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.

Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.

I prefer quality over flash — that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.

Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.

Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.

Child labor laws are ruining this country.

I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.

Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.

[After being asked if he wants a salad] Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.

I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…

Funniest Ron Swanson Quotes From Parks & Rec

I have accrued two hundred and twenty-five personal days starting right now I’m using all of them. While I’m gone you’re in charge. Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.

Ron Swanson’s rules for a BBQ: There will be no froof-y desserts. There will be no giant soap bubble guns. There will be no adult men in costumes. And most of all, there will be no f#^%ing vegetables.

Passing the Buck. The last refuge of the cowardly and Blackhearted.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.

Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.

I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.

Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.

Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.

This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package.

If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.

In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.

We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech.

Haha, Euro-trash, I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.

Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.

Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?

On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.

My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.

My name is Ron Swanson. I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government.

Hey Mark. This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy’s better-looking sister.

Hey, who wants to see me climb a tree?

The only reason anyone is going to this thing is because they’re afraid of what Marlene will do to them if they don’t. That women is tough. In 1994 I gave her a nickname, it’s unrepeatable, but it stuck. It’s my proudest accomplishment. It’s the iron c*ck shredder of Pawnee.

There’s more than one crib tree in a forest. That’s not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.

[Describing his allergies] Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts.

Why is everyone else so bad at eating?

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