Tag: recovery

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I am entering into a phase of recovery (ie the beginning…) where I am doggedly determined to embark upon this road and make change. I am going to do it. Despite yesterday’s fuck-ups… The dialogue in my head is usually critical and unkind, mean and hateful – you idiot, can’t believe you did that, who do…




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Apr 23

Freedom

I have been challenged to write about freedom. To visualise what freedom from disordered eating and body image issues will look like. This is a big ask… Because I actually have no idea. No reference point. But in order to actually reach a destination, you have to know where it is. Or at least have…




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I am a prisoner in a cell of my own making. Each morning, I stand upon the Scales of Justice to determine if today will be the day, that I set myself free. I cannot bear the thought of not knowing my weight. I cannot bear the thought of knowing my weight. No matter the number,…




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Today I cried. I cried because I could feel the hard, solid, shell I have spent decades plastering around every inch of me cracking, leaving me soft and vulnerable, and revealing a very broken pair of wings. The past week my anxiety levels sky-rocketed in anticipation of a few changes, and as my anxiety went up,…




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I may not be a dog person, but I am acutely aware of the joy, love and hope a beloved pet can bring. During the worst of my depression last year, I had nothing left to give. I had no energy, no will, desire or hope. I couldn’t care for, support or offer a listening ear…




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When I have a cold, it’s obvious I’m sick. And when it goes away, it’s obvious it’s gone. When I have depression, it’s not obvious to anyone – even me. And when it goes away, how am I going to know? It was clear as a summer’s day when my depression hit rock bottom. I…




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This is what recovery from an eating disorder feels like to me. I’m living in a swamp – full of mud and quicksand, snakes and leeches, dripping with potentially lethal pitfalls, occasionally sparsely populated with beautiful flowers, bouncing bunnies and exotic ferns. I’m led to an impossibly wide river of fetid black waters and on…




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Apr 18

Triggered

I’ve been triggered. My bulimic behaviours are regressing. This is both good and bad. Bad, because I’ve fallen deep into the well of binging and purging, and even slipped into self-harm hell. Good, because the trigger has been the anticipation of me commencing a course I have a really good feeling about. I sometimes feel…




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Am I normal or different? Am I sick or healthy? I have no fricking idea… I feel normal. I’ve always been like this. This IS my normal – I don’t know any different. Normal for me is having no capacity to identify emotions. Obsessing with food and body image all day – and all night –…




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Apr 15

Tick Tock

The pendulum swings. How awesome would it be if life were linear? We could figure stuff out then travel on the path of success with nary a backward glance. Wouldn’t that be lovely?! Alas – today that is not the case. I felt a sense of progress the past few days. Gentle progress I will…