It’s early morning. You had a fight with your husband and you are so mad at him that the only thing you care about is texting your friends about how horrible he is.

Next thing you know he goes out the door in his usual manner to go to work. A work he never really liked, but it’s what he can do for your family. You were always nagging about how he should get a better-paying job.

Ten hours later, he is killed. You were just about to make dinner when your dog started barking like crazy as if someone was in the house. A stranger. Soon, he runs under the sofa and refuses to come out.

Then the call, just when you were washing the spring beans.You have to rush over to the hospital.

The gut feeling.

Your children are playing but death is already there. The worst pain.

The pain of the goodbye that was never said.

 

It’s Sunday night and you are getting ready to go to your best friend’s house.

Your mother is trying to tell you something and she chooses the worst possible way.

“ You know, better not wear red. ”

“ Why?”

“ Your father is dead.”

And you stand there, with the red sweater, not knowing what to do. You can cry but you can’t. You laugh. You think she’s joking. She then starts crying and waiting for you to be the adult. She collapses. You still think she’s joking.

I mean other people die. None in your family dies. That doesn’t happen in your family.

You hated your father, well not always, just after some point.

But now, now he’s dead, and just like that, he becomes innocent. He becomes “The poor, sick man who didn’t know better.”

Then the realization. The thought that you never had the chance to say goodbye. The man with his terrible imperfections, the man that hurt you deeply, he was the same mortal man that took you to the playground, taught you how to ride a bike and read you bedtime stories.

He wasn’t a villain, he was just a man.

And this goes on and on, year after year.

You are afraid to get close to people, you are afraid so much about losing them, that it’s the only thing you ever think about since the moment you meet them.

What if they go?

It’s because of that fear, that you keep doing the same mistakes leading to the result you never wanted. You cannot show you care, you cannot find the strength to say “ You know what? You matter, please stay.”

And the dog will sleep at your feet.

And the music will keep on playing.

You will just not be alone.

 

 

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      1. anie

        ohh it is not so difficult. O.k. maybe there is sometimes pride, fear or insecurity. The mind who tells you, I can not say this. But if you just let one moment your mind refecting about what will maybe happen ( or not happen) when you do not say this. You will feel the pain in your heart already and pride, fear and insecurity will not matter anymore.