When it doesn’t feel good to be me it’s hard to see the brighter side of life. When I’m told that I’m passionate and creative by people who hardly know me but I doubt myself so much I think it’s a lie. When even though I know how much I feel and how much I desire I feel like I come across as lifeless and aimless. How much more can I give though? I literally feel like I’m life my best effort, giving myself entirely to people around me and leaving myself so open to being hurt.
Why do I bother putting on the flawless nail varnish, the perfume, the pretty underwear, the slinky clothes, the preened hair and jewelry. I don’t like the girl in the mirror a lot of the time, she bores me with her common, unoriginal looks. Yet I feel like someone who’s “other” amongst the vast majority of the population.
I remember a few years ago a friend saying that I was prettier than her and looked much better in my outfit, a sweet comment, but then she said that actually you can’t compare me and her cos I’m dark and she’s light. Our beauty couldn’t be compared because we were different races. I took this comment to mean, even if I was prettier than her, it’s irrelevant because she’s fair and therefore a different type of attractive. But if someone’s features are more attractive to many others and/or they have a more conventionally attractive figure is the fact that they are darker a factor? And is it a positive or negative factor? If it’s neutral then that means that the fact that we’re different races doesn’t matter and her statement that you can’t compare us is false. I don’t mean to muse such things. I would like to be talking about deeper matters, rather than those that are skin deep. But that’s the thing, it’s things like that which have been said to me and have made me progressively more and more uncomfortable in my skin.
I put effort into my style because I enjoy it, it makes me feel more self assured. I try and adapt to the unconfident, ditzy awkwardness that I’ve always had by joking and laughing to take the piss out of myself, trying to make others feel comfortable around me by showing I don’t take myself too seriously. Thing is I do take myself seriously, sometimes people hurt me with their words and actions so much that it leaves a gaping wound which I desperately try and mend. Then I’m spending energy trying to repair the damage but also still doing my best to bend to fit other people’s happiness. It makes me happier to make people happy but it can take a lot out of me.
So, as I write this at 5:16am in the morning I try and see that the fact that my counsellor compared me to Salma Hayek is a massive compliment. I think back to a time when a guy I worked with at Saturday job I did called me sultry. Not something I’d usually associate with myself but at this time in the time I choose to accept that some people may see me like this. I choose to accept that I actually really like my eyes but that I think most other people value blue or green eyes more. Therefore because they are seen as naturally beautiful and rare colours I feel like my dark eyes are worth less. I choose to fully embrace my dark hair, generally curly hair and my skin which isn’t pale and porcelain like but golden brown. I choose to acknowledge that I’m working on my body and becoming happier with it. I know that I’m insightful, thoughtful, adventurous, full of ideas, passionate, loving and more real than many others. That’s how I choose to feel today.