When it doesn’t feel good to be me it’s hard to see the brighter side of life. When I’m told that I’m passionate and creative by people who hardly know me but I doubt myself so much I think it’s a lie. When even though I know how much I feel and how much I desire I feel like I come across as lifeless and aimless. How much more can I give though? I literally feel like I’m life my best effort, giving myself entirely to people around me and leaving myself so open to being hurt.

Why do I bother putting on the flawless nail varnish, the perfume, the pretty underwear, the slinky clothes, the preened hair and jewelry. I don’t like the girl in the mirror a lot of the time, she bores me with her common, unoriginal looks. Yet I feel like someone who’s “other” amongst the vast majority of the population.

I remember a few years ago a friend saying that I was prettier than her and looked much better in my outfit, a sweet comment, but then she said that actually you can’t compare me and her cos I’m dark and she’s light. Our beauty couldn’t be compared because we were different races. I took this comment to mean, even if I was prettier than her, it’s irrelevant because she’s fair and therefore a different type of attractive. But if someone’s features are more attractive to many others and/or they have a more conventionally attractive figure is the fact that they are darker a factor? And is it a positive or negative factor? If it’s neutral then that means that the fact that we’re different races doesn’t matter and her statement that you can’t compare us is false. I don’t mean to muse such things. I would like to be talking about deeper matters, rather than those that are skin deep. But that’s the thing, it’s things like that which have been said to me and have made me progressively more and more uncomfortable in my skin.

I put effort into my style because I enjoy it, it makes me feel more self assured. I try and adapt to the unconfident, ditzy awkwardness that I’ve always had by joking and laughing to take the piss out of myself, trying to make others feel comfortable around me by showing I don’t take myself too seriously. Thing is I do take myself seriously, sometimes people hurt me with their words and actions so much that it leaves a gaping wound which I desperately try and mend. Then I’m spending energy trying to repair the damage but also still doing my best to bend to fit other people’s happiness. It makes me happier to make people happy but it can take a lot out of me.

So, as I write this at 5:16am in the morning I try and see that the fact that my counsellor compared me to Salma Hayek is a massive compliment. I think back to a time when a guy I worked with at Saturday job I did called me sultry. Not something I’d usually associate with myself but at this time in the time I choose to accept that some people may see me like this. I choose to accept that I actually really like my eyes but that I think most other people value blue or green eyes more. Therefore because they are seen as naturally beautiful and rare colours I feel like my dark eyes are worth less. I choose to fully embrace my dark hair, generally curly hair and my skin which isn’t pale and porcelain like but golden brown. I choose to acknowledge that I’m working on my body and becoming happier with it. I know that I’m insightful, thoughtful, adventurous, full of ideas, passionate, loving and more real than many others. That’s how I choose to feel today.

 

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  1. anie

    Your post already shows that you are NOT aimless or lifeless! I think you are passionate and create and this is a bigger present than a nice body or face! Even if I think you are quiet pretty, do not loose yourself in beautythings. Beauty is still something what comes from inside. And fashion is what these beautiful people wear. If a beautiful person wears terrible ugly sweattrouser it is soon „in‘. If you are wearing ugly things the person who loves you will not mind, because he loves you not your fashion not your face or body!

    1. artsyexplorer Post author

      Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. I guess what I’m saying is having anxiety, low mood and low self esteem can make you doubt things that you know are true about yourself. I also think that I like your message that the components of a person’s personality are more important than looks, whilst in theory I agree I do think that unfortunately looks do play a big part in someone feeling attracted to you as a whole. My insecurity is partly based in the idea that different races are more attractive than others which I discuss in my experience of it. However, I think taking care of yourself physically and expressing yourself through your own style is a positive thing and can help to built you up mentally as well. Just my thoughts really.

      1. anie

        o yes of course you are right that in practice “the whol”e counts of what people are attracted to and of course that is also the look. But here I do not agree that there are races that are preferred. Of course, people who look like the ideal of beauty will be considered beautiful by many, but people do usually not fall in love with a “normal beauty” but rather with a person who is attractive and radiant to them.

        1. artsyexplorer Post author

          I agree a person has to have a chemistry which someone else attracts them and looks, how a person’s sense are affected eg. smell and personality are the basis of the attraction. I speak from my own experience of how I’ve been treated as an ethnic minority in a mainly white country by others, how some people have behaved towards me. I have found that I have been cast aside because I don’t fit in with western beauty by some and because of this I have found it harder to accept myself. Something I’m actively working on changing though it’s been years of these experiences so it’ll take a little while, but hopefully I’ll get there. Thanks for your comment!

  2. Anne J.

    “I would like to be talking about deeper matters, rather than those that are skin deep. But that’s the thing, it’s things like that which have been said to me and have made me progressively more and more uncomfortable in my skin.” It may seem skin deep but like many thoughts and emotions, the physical attributes merely show the tip of the iceberg. We choose to focus on that because it is “easier” to control than the feeling deep down. And it’s okay to work on the superficial first… fake it with the skin deep first… as we work on the underlying true issue. 🙂 All the best.

    1. artsyexplorer Post author

      Thank you very much for your comment, I agree with what you’re saying, I also think in a world where unfortunately sometimes looks are valued more highly than personality and where I know one person in my friend circle who had a boob job and one who had a nose job it is a reflection on you as a person how you dress and carry yourself physically. I’d like to be more at peace with how I look so I can carry myself with more confidence, it’s definitely a personal goal and would help with my underlying issues.