One of the best possible things happened to me last week. I forgot the password to my Facebook account and couldn’t get the recovery email id, the phone number, and shockingly, not even my username right.
I know we all go through absolute lows in all of our lives. Most of us think that none could be worse than us during those days, because well, we don’t live the other’s life and hence we can’t see what could possibly bug him/her so much.
I have been going through something similar. Well, I have been going through exactly that for the past two-and-a-half years now. I will spare you the details but get this – I just can’t seem to hold on to any of the people I love in my life. Honestly! None of them.
Oh, no, I am not a horrible person and I say this because I see that dogs do love/like me, depending on their moods. And yes, human beings like me too, but only a few and rarely, because I allow very few people in to my life too.
I do the basics, mind you…I smile, I am nice to talk to, I ask them how their day has been and if possible, get to know them a little more. But at the end of the conversation and even a couple of meetings, they leave.
Some don’t leave quickly, though. They take a couple of years, make sure that they have created an impact on me at some level or the other, and then they bid a farewell with a telepathic message, “I love you. I am sorry I have to leave, but I need to focus on my life while you rebuild yours, particularly with the vacuum that I am just about to create in a few seconds.”
Almost three years into losing all the people who were central to my life, failing at filling in those spots with some others – not all of them are of the same size, you see, so I have to make a bigger or smaller space each time some one walks in – and feeling like a complete idiot, I have given up.
I have not given up on the idea of love, friendships and relationships. But I have naturally given up the idea that someone’s going to stay in my life, in spite of the promises, the vows of permanence, and yes, that someone’s going to walk into my life and make it better. I need to get myself off my bed, quit crying, and mentally bang my head on the wall to crack it just enough so that I stop waiting for the people who have left to return.
Because they are not going to come back unless they want to, and it’s just as well. I don’t want the very people I love to stop longer than they ideally should when they have their priorities to fulfill and turn the graphs of their lows upside down.
Because when they left me, I have been torn apart and I always manage to still live and breathe the next day. I can still refrain from telling my best friend that “I love her” or “I miss her terribly” as long as I can hold on, because she appears to have larger responsibilities now.
And also because I would start crying if ever I do that and I would rather feel my forehead tense and myself choke. There forms a lump in my throat even when I think of the stilted conversations I have with her everyday.
The reason why I am glad because I can no longer log in to Facebook just as easily? This only means that I won’t stare at the happy photos of all the people in my “friends” list, realise that they’re as human and selfish as I am and don’t share the photos of their lows for my consumption (jeez, I am no sad*st!) and get enough time to worry about the stuff that matters…more writing and reading, and maybe even real conversations with more strangers under the roof of the sky or on a couch with a cup of coffee – the way I like it – before they too leave for good.
For all I know, I love them all more everyday; I think about them, thank them for having loved me the way they did, because I have been told by some others that not many people are lucky to even experience the kind of love I have received and still do, and yes, I hope that they feel blessed now, wherever they maybe.
Love passionately, and have conversations under the sky without even fearing the stars eavesdropping on you. For they are far away and you’re here now.