I wonder if people realize how hard it is to reach out for help or maybe just to talk to someone. I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. I had a small group of close friends while growing up who I told everything to, but “me time” was extremely important to me. I was what I guess can be considered a wall flower in class; I sat quietly and observed everyone around me. I was not necessarily eavesdropping, but I was not comfortable talking to new people, and I was content to just observe.
It’s funny how I am an introvert who almost craves company. My therapist is always great to remind me we are social creatures wired for interaction. That is what I contribute my craving for company to. I love time when it is just me. I can think. I am allowed to get lost in my head. I can indulge in what I am thinking. However, there are times where I just want to be talking to someone. I want to be around people. I want hugs. I want to know that I am not really the only person in this world.
How do you reach out to people in that way? My group of friends I text are dwindling down to just a few. I am certain that is because I am a roller-coaster, and who wants that in their life? I text two people altogether. One is really busy with her friends and work while the other I rarely hear back from. How do you reach out to other people? Can I just jump up and down with a large, neon sign asking people to TALK TO ME? Am I the only one who feels this way?
I was diagnosed officially with bipolar type two today. We knew I had a mood disorder, but I was never officially evaluated. Depression? Anxiety? Yep, we knew I had them. But we never really had a name pinpointed down for my moods except for bipolar depression. Now we know. Fantastic. If it has a name, maybe it can be fixed, managed, something. After getting diagnosed, I went to campus to print off reading material for work because I am running out of books to read. I pop my USB jump drive in the computer. Within seconds, my drive gets hot, and the computer won’t read it. Instantly, I begin freaking out. No matter how small it is, it is world-ending for me. Granted, this drive is extremely important. Every college paper I wrote, including my English Capstone revisions and history Capstone paper, is gone. Every short story I have written is gone. Everything ever important to me is gone. So naturally I begin freaking out. I walk out of the building crying. I go home and instantly break down. I beg for it to work. I pray to Mom to make it work. I beat my fist on the table willing it to work. The lack of sleep, a stressful day, and hot weather has done it for me. The world is ending while I crumble on the floor because my jump drive is gone. I have the urge to call or text someone who can tell me it is going to be ok. I want to drive somewhere just to get a hug from someone I am close to. Does anyone else have moments like these?
Sometimes I have to wonder if I really am crazy. Then I realize why I have lost most of my friends because maybe I really am crazy, and they figured it out before I did. But my therapist ensures me that I am not crazy. She is pretty smart, so I will take her word for it.