A Problem of a Confused, “Crazy” Introvert

I wonder if people realize how hard it is to reach out for help or maybe just to talk to someone. I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. I had a small group of close friends while growing up who I told everything to, but “me time” was extremely important to me. I was what I guess can be considered a wall flower in class; I sat quietly and observed everyone around me. I was not necessarily eavesdropping, but I was not comfortable talking to new people, and I was content to just observe.

It’s funny how I am an introvert who almost craves company. My therapist is always great to remind me we are social creatures wired for interaction. That is what I contribute my craving for company to. I love time when it is just me. I can think. I am allowed to get lost in my head. I can indulge in what I am thinking. However, there are times where I just want to be talking to someone. I want to be around people. I want hugs. I want to know that I am not really the only person in this world.

How do you reach out to people in that way? My group of friends I text are dwindling down to just a few. I am certain that is because I am a roller-coaster, and who wants that in their life? I text two people altogether. One is really busy with her friends and work while the other I rarely hear back from. How do you reach out to other people? Can I just jump up and down with a large, neon sign asking people to TALK TO ME? Am I the only one who feels this way?

I was diagnosed officially with bipolar type two today. We knew I had a mood disorder, but I was never officially evaluated. Depression? Anxiety? Yep, we knew I had them. But we never really had a name pinpointed down for my moods except for bipolar depression. Now we know. Fantastic. If it has a name, maybe it can be fixed, managed, something. After getting diagnosed, I went to campus to print off reading material for work because I am running out of books to read. I pop my USB jump drive in the computer. Within seconds, my drive gets hot, and the computer won’t read it. Instantly, I begin freaking out. No matter how small it is, it is world-ending for me. Granted, this drive is extremely important. Every college paper I wrote, including my English Capstone revisions and history Capstone paper, is gone. Every short story I have written is gone. Everything ever important to me is gone. So naturally I begin freaking out. I walk out of the building crying. I go home and instantly break down. I beg for it to work. I pray to Mom to make it work. I beat my fist on the table willing it to work. The lack of sleep, a stressful day, and hot weather has done it for me. The world is ending while I crumble on the floor because my jump drive is gone. I have the urge to call or text someone who can tell me it is going to be ok. I want to drive somewhere just to get a hug from someone I am close to. Does anyone else have moments like these?

Sometimes I have to wonder if I really am crazy. Then I realize why I have lost most of my friends because maybe I really am crazy, and they figured it out before I did. But my therapist ensures me that I am not crazy. She is pretty smart, so I will take her word for it.

1 thought on “A Problem of a Confused, “Crazy” Introvert”

  1. I don’t think you are crazy. We all are different people, wired in a different way so we deal with problems/emotions in a different way. Further more, I think majority of people would like some company or some assurance of some sort when they go through bad time. Now again the “definition” of bad time differs from one person to another so there is no way we can judge person because of their problem. Maybe it does reflect their character/personality but again everyone is different. Do not feel bad about it. Being an introvert myself, I can relate to what you have written there. “Confusion” is an important word for me. But if you feel like reaching out to someone, you can always write to me. I am definitely not a professional therapist but you can give it a shot. We can exchange email where I am more likely to be found. It always helps to talk to someone 🙂

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