For last one year, i tried numerous times to ignore this feeling but today i cannot hold it anymore.
Not just because, i cannot get hold of it, but its something needed to pen down.
Its almost one and half year that i am in this city which now isn’t that new for me. From this last one year, i jave found my home in hostel. There is number of ways where girls enjoy themselves a lot. I found it totally amusing, how girls come together in happy moments as well as in sadness. It is a home away from home. I have some close friends too here. I share my things, but as always i cannot connect to large group of people, it might be a negatively issue but thats how i am..
So, i have one close friend and rest are very good friends.. most of them are junior to me and are like very fun people which i totally miss in me. Its completely fun to be around them, specially with my close friend.. she is such lively person that i ever came across, we can talk hours without getting bore which is a brilliant thing for me because it rarely happens with me. Hostel life is a journey bound to create memory for lifetime. Apart from this homely feeling, there is this consciousness i have been feeling from last some months, that is not so good.
I have no idea why is this happening and when i asked to some other friends of mine, they felt the same.
There is this group of girls with whom i have never talked, i never ever had any single conversation but still i feel extremely conscious while passing by them. Reason being, whenever i will pass by them, they will talk among themselves and will laugh pointing at me.. its just not about any single person or any specific place but wherever they spot me.. they surely make some comments among themselves and make fun of me. In some early months, i thought its my mistake, maybe i am over thinking or maybe i am being ridiculous but every time, every damn time, it happened.
They never commented before me, they never spoke to me, they may not even know what course i am studying and same from my side. But i always feel conscious. They make me so uncomfortable that i again and again check myself to see if there is something wrong with me. If my clothes are too dirty or maybe i look ugly to them or maybe my hairs are too messy to them or maybe i don’t walk properly.. . I have no idea, i seriously have no idea for why they laugh at me from a distance.
This actually is an open letter to them, since i don’t know what is making them laugh at me soo hard, i wanted to clear out things,
If my hair is reason for laughing,
Let me tell me i have medium length, black, thick, wavy hair with some curls and if you will ever notice me closely, there are few strands of white hair ( mostly because of water i am using here).
And with that observation you are laughing at me, i think its baseless. Coz Some of you people also have the same kind of hair, some have more beautiful than i have, some have lesser than me. But i don’t think i will ever laugh at your hair for any reason possible.
So, is it my face?
I am dark skinned or dusky coloured, with not sooooo pretty or not soooo ugly face. Somewhere in between, typical south Indian face…. before, coming to Delhi, i already have felt lots of criticism for my colour, and now i have made myself comfortable accepting what i am and not what people expect me to be. But since forever, i like my face to be clear from pimples rather being fair and i try the same..
So, if that is problem then to let you know, its also very baseless and laugh about the same, feels silly to me.
Maybe, its my weight.
Yes, i am completely out of shape, i am overweight, i have big thighs that jiggle when i walk, have fat on my tummy, shoulders and anywhere where fat can stay.. its there… i am not ashamed of my body and never will be.
Few months back, i was 75, right now i am 69. I am trying hard to keep normal weight, not because i don’t like myself but i know can be fit and its necessary to be the same.
So, its a reason to smile about,.. then there are plenty of people around you close or not so close.. Who are fat too.. then i guess it must be necessary to laugh at them too..
But since you people don’t do the same, i found this point invalid on me too..
Maybe, its my clothes.. I belong from a middle class family, i can’t wear branded clothes until and unless i save money for a month or so by reducing my expenses for the same… I can wear. most of the times when you people see, either in mess or in parking area at night or anywhere after college hours, I mostly am in pajamas or skirt.. they aren’t costly nd i don’t find the reason for why my pj or normal skirts should be costly.
And my clothes are never dirty too..
So, if my clothes are problem, i think its useless.
Other than all these physical attributes which might be probable reason for me being a topic of laugh.
I think, without any conversation with a person, you cannot laugh on the person for his nature,…
You as a human should not behave this way. Keeping or making someone feel low than you. , is not less than a sin..
Education makes us wiser and its purpose mostly is to rise above hatred, or materialistic feelings.. To see each other as our own…
I know, this may never come before you.. but i still felt like writing the same.