81+ Best Barney Stinson Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Barnabus Stinson is a fictional character portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris and created by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas for the CBS television series How I Met Your Mother. Profoundly inspirational Barney Stinson quotes will challenge the way you think, and help guide you through any life experience.

Famous Barney Stinson Quotes

Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. – Barney Stinson

Your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.  – Barney Stinson

So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em, tiger!  – Barney Stinson

You know what I love about Halloween? It’s the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner hobag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she’s a slutty witch. If she’s a cat, she’s a slutty cat. If she’s a nurse… – Barney Stinson

Suits are for the living. That’s why, when it’s my time to R.I.P. I’m going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It’s gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. – Barney Stinson

When I’m sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead! True story…  – Barney Stinson

I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk! – Barney Stinson

Ted, if you have a crazy story, I was there. It’s just a law of the universe.  – Barney Stinson

Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait… True story. – Barney Stinson

Canadian p*rn! Trust me when I tell you that their universal health care system doesn’t cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flatchested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I’ll go ‘oot’ of my mind. – Barney Stinson

 Just…Ok?  – Barney Stinson

Dude…where’s your suit? Just once, when I say ‘suit up’ I wish you’d put on a suit.  – Barney Stinson

The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She’ll never find her way back and there she is! – Barney Stinson

Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness, okay? Not for the sit around and wait of happiness. Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it. – Barney Stinson

Barney: You’re the most awesome person I’ve ever met. Well, second.  Robin: Right, first being you.  Barney: No, actually, it’s this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up? – Barney Stinson

It’s gonna be legend… wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY! – Barney Stinson

Step one, you start running. There is no step two.  – Barney Stinson

For the first time in my life I don’t want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many b**bs she has. I wanna be with Quinn. – Barney Stinson

A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s ‘this’ crazy, she has to be ‘this’ hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose  pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [Pauses] I should give her a call – Barney Stinson

That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armaniclad and fully awesome – Barney Stinson

There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit  nine for ten…..and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit. – Barney Stinson

Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape  and I knew that you would  It means you have my p*rn collection, and that means either I am dead, or in a relationship. If I’m dead, I need you to take me to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernie’s. I want to dance. I want to have sex with a young woman. I want to go skiing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a relationship, then for the love of God… get me out of it! – Barney Stinson

Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!  – Barney Stinson

The killer in a horror movie does not stand in front of the camp cabins with a bullhorn and shout, ‘Attention, unguarded teens! At : I will jump out of that closet and hack you to death with a machete. By the way, my only weakness is fire.’ – Barney Stinson

Sometimes we search for one thing but discover another. – Barney Stinson

I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.  – Barney Stinson

Curiosity. As in what would it be like to do it with a really tall girl. Not a big girl, a tall girl. Like if a normal girl were seven, sevenandahalf feet tall, and had a very short denim skirt, I would have to know what that was like. – Barney Stinson

 When I’m sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story!  – Barney Stinson

 Have you met…me?  – Barney Stinson

Okay, I can do this… I was on my way to the launch pad, when I was mugged… and the mugger took my space shuttle keys! Nailed it, who’s up for a threeway? – Barney Stinson

OK, here’s my thing —if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world’s gonna be doing it. That’s how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like…now everyone gets manicures. – Barney Stinson

Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession. – Barney Stinson

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.  – Barney Stinson

Hey! I don’t remember you. I’ve spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I’ve slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them—and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I’m pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn’t speak the language, but I shook a guy’s hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize. – Barney Stinson

I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to — and there have been times that I wanted to.  – Barney Stinson

Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let’s not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America’s laughed enough. – Barney Stinson

Because the belt is my birthright. You can’t ride the tricycle before me. It’s like Jimmy Olsen beating Lex Luthor while Superman watches impotently in his bed. – Barney Stinson

 Yeah! I’ve got a Guy Guy!  – Barney Stinson

What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has b**bs… Actually, I do see it. – Barney Stinson

I can’t believe I’m taking sex advice from Ted Mosby. It’s like taking fashion advice from, well, Ted Mosby. – Barney Stinson

There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated. Breast. Implants. – Barney Stinson

Lily: I don’t think your sword will fit.  Barney: I get that a lot. – Barney Stinson

Now remember my three beginner’s tips for picking up chicks: Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, and subtly put her down.  – Barney Stinson

Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country? – Barney Stinson

I realized that I’m searching, searching for what I really want in life. And you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is.  – Barney Stinson

I was on my way to the Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, no rejections. – Barney Stinson

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. – Barney Stinson

I won! I now have a magic phone that never stops ringing. And who’s usually at the other end? A hot chick. The number of women who want me is now infinity! – Barney Stinson

 Daddy’s Home…And Grandaddy’s Home!  – Barney Stinson

Unfair? I would not let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms! – Barney Stinson

I’ve never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!  – Barney Stinson

 Ted, The only time I want to hear you saying ‘The One’ is if it’s followed by the word ‘hundredth’.  – Barney Stinson

I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life.  – Barney Stinson

Here’s the minicherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. – Barney Stinson

There’s only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint: a big, yellow bird lives on it. – Barney Stinson

Don’t say you’re gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool – Barney Stinson

 Legen…wait for it…Dary!  – Barney Stinson

 You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it!  – Barney Stinson

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s  years,  months old. – Barney Stinson

Suits are full of joy. They’re the sartorial equivalent of a baby’s smile. – Barney Stinson

Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression. – Barney Stinson

 A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth!  – Barney Stinson

It has been… overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing.  – Barney Stinson

God, it’s me, Barney. What up? I know we don’t talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. – Barney Stinson

I only smoke on certain occasions: postcoital, when I’m with Germans  sometimes the two overlap  coital, that time of year the Mets are mathematically eliminated, precoital, and  wait for it, ’cause I sure have  pregnancy scares. – Barney Stinson

Attention, Canada! My name is , and your country needs to A, get better money, it’s like you want us to make fun of you; and B, stop letting women like Robin Scherbatsky get away, because she is going back to America, where I plan to plant my flag on her, if you know what I mean, and you probably don’t. – Barney Stinson

Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It’s like the universe was saying, hey Barney, there’s this dude, he’s pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome.  – Barney Stinson

For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be ‘legendary’. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her exboyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, ‘we will be’ there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, What’s up, New York, ‘we’ will be what is up New York. – Barney Stinson

Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You’re like God. There is no one hotter than God. – Barney Stinson

Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and she’s way too hot for you. So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em, tiger! – Barney Stinson

A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.  – Barney Stinson

One of the twentyfour similarities between girls and fish is that they’re both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you? – Barney Stinson

 Actually Doing Things Gets You Fired!  – Barney Stinson

Robin: I’m such a mess. Why do you even like me?  Barney: I guess, because you’re almost as messed up as I am. – Barney Stinson

Oh, Ted, no. Do not tell me you’re going to start searching for ‘The One’ again. The only time I want to hear you saying ‘The One’ is if it’s followed by the word ‘hundredth.’ – Barney Stinson

You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn’t be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won’t be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. – Barney Stinson

It’s time to let go of the fantasies. It’s time to grow up. – Barney Stinson

You poor thing. Having to grow up in Canada, with America right there. – Barney Stinson

A lie is just a really great story that someone ruined with the truth. – Barney Stinson

Hey, so you know how I’ve always had a thing for halfAsian chicks? Well, now I’ve got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new halfAsians. – Barney Stinson

That is the Dominator . The best in the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy. – Barney Stinson