Barnabus Stinson is a fictional character portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris and created by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas for the CBS television series How I Met Your Mother. Profoundly inspirational Barney Stinson quotes will challenge the way you think, and help guide you through any life experience.
Famous Barney Stinson Quotes
Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. – Barney Stinson
Your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash. – Barney Stinson
So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em, tiger! – Barney Stinson
You know what I love about Halloween? It’s the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner hobag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she’s a slutty witch. If she’s a cat, she’s a slutty cat. If she’s a nurse… – Barney Stinson
Suits are for the living. That’s why, when it’s my time to R.I.P. I’m going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It’s gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. – Barney Stinson
When I’m sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead! True story… – Barney Stinson
I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk! – Barney Stinson
Ted, if you have a crazy story, I was there. It’s just a law of the universe. – Barney Stinson
Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait… True story. – Barney Stinson
Canadian p*rn! Trust me when I tell you that their universal health care system doesn’t cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flatchested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I’ll go ‘oot’ of my mind. – Barney Stinson
Just…Ok? – Barney Stinson
Dude…where’s your suit? Just once, when I say ‘suit up’ I wish you’d put on a suit. – Barney Stinson
The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She’ll never find her way back and there she is! – Barney Stinson
Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness, okay? Not for the sit around and wait of happiness. Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it. – Barney Stinson
Barney: You’re the most awesome person I’ve ever met. Well, second. Robin: Right, first being you. Barney: No, actually, it’s this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up? – Barney Stinson
It’s gonna be legend… wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY! – Barney Stinson
Step one, you start running. There is no step two. – Barney Stinson
For the first time in my life I don’t want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many b**bs she has. I wanna be with Quinn. – Barney Stinson
A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s ‘this’ crazy, she has to be ‘this’ hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [Pauses] I should give her a call – Barney Stinson
That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armaniclad and fully awesome – Barney Stinson
There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit nine for ten…..and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit. – Barney Stinson
Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape and I knew that you would It means you have my p*rn collection, and that means either I am dead, or in a relationship. If I’m dead, I need you to take me to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernie’s. I want to dance. I want to have sex with a young woman. I want to go skiing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a relationship, then for the love of God… get me out of it! – Barney Stinson
Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda! – Barney Stinson
The killer in a horror movie does not stand in front of the camp cabins with a bullhorn and shout, ‘Attention, unguarded teens! At : I will jump out of that closet and hack you to death with a machete. By the way, my only weakness is fire.’ – Barney Stinson
Sometimes we search for one thing but discover another. – Barney Stinson
I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows. – Barney Stinson
Curiosity. As in what would it be like to do it with a really tall girl. Not a big girl, a tall girl. Like if a normal girl were seven, sevenandahalf feet tall, and had a very short denim skirt, I would have to know what that was like. – Barney Stinson
When I’m sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story! – Barney Stinson
Have you met…me? – Barney Stinson
Okay, I can do this… I was on my way to the launch pad, when I was mugged… and the mugger took my space shuttle keys! Nailed it, who’s up for a threeway? – Barney Stinson
OK, here’s my thing —if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world’s gonna be doing it. That’s how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like…now everyone gets manicures. – Barney Stinson
Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession. – Barney Stinson
In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story. – Barney Stinson
Hey! I don’t remember you. I’ve spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I’ve slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them—and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I’m pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn’t speak the language, but I shook a guy’s hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize. – Barney Stinson
I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to — and there have been times that I wanted to. – Barney Stinson
Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let’s not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America’s laughed enough. – Barney Stinson
Because the belt is my birthright. You can’t ride the tricycle before me. It’s like Jimmy Olsen beating Lex Luthor while Superman watches impotently in his bed. – Barney Stinson
Yeah! I’ve got a Guy Guy! – Barney Stinson
What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has b**bs… Actually, I do see it. – Barney Stinson
I can’t believe I’m taking sex advice from Ted Mosby. It’s like taking fashion advice from, well, Ted Mosby. – Barney Stinson
There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated. Breast. Implants. – Barney Stinson
Lily: I don’t think your sword will fit. Barney: I get that a lot. – Barney Stinson
Now remember my three beginner’s tips for picking up chicks: Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, and subtly put her down. – Barney Stinson
Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country? – Barney Stinson
I realized that I’m searching, searching for what I really want in life. And you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is. – Barney Stinson
I was on my way to the Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, no rejections. – Barney Stinson
When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. – Barney Stinson
I won! I now have a magic phone that never stops ringing. And who’s usually at the other end? A hot chick. The number of women who want me is now infinity! – Barney Stinson
Daddy’s Home…And Grandaddy’s Home! – Barney Stinson
Unfair? I would not let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms! – Barney Stinson
I’ve never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations! – Barney Stinson
Ted, The only time I want to hear you saying ‘The One’ is if it’s followed by the word ‘hundredth’. – Barney Stinson
I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. – Barney Stinson
Here’s the minicherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. – Barney Stinson
There’s only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint: a big, yellow bird lives on it. – Barney Stinson
Don’t say you’re gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool – Barney Stinson
Legen…wait for it…Dary! – Barney Stinson
You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it! – Barney Stinson
The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s years, months old. – Barney Stinson
Suits are full of joy. They’re the sartorial equivalent of a baby’s smile. – Barney Stinson
Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression. – Barney Stinson
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth! – Barney Stinson
It has been… overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. – Barney Stinson
God, it’s me, Barney. What up? I know we don’t talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. – Barney Stinson
I only smoke on certain occasions: postcoital, when I’m with Germans sometimes the two overlap coital, that time of year the Mets are mathematically eliminated, precoital, and wait for it, ’cause I sure have pregnancy scares. – Barney Stinson
Attention, Canada! My name is , and your country needs to A, get better money, it’s like you want us to make fun of you; and B, stop letting women like Robin Scherbatsky get away, because she is going back to America, where I plan to plant my flag on her, if you know what I mean, and you probably don’t. – Barney Stinson
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It’s like the universe was saying, hey Barney, there’s this dude, he’s pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome. – Barney Stinson
For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be ‘legendary’. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her exboyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, ‘we will be’ there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, What’s up, New York, ‘we’ will be what is up New York. – Barney Stinson
Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You’re like God. There is no one hotter than God. – Barney Stinson
Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and she’s way too hot for you. So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em, tiger! – Barney Stinson
A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it. – Barney Stinson
One of the twentyfour similarities between girls and fish is that they’re both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you? – Barney Stinson
Actually Doing Things Gets You Fired! – Barney Stinson
Robin: I’m such a mess. Why do you even like me? Barney: I guess, because you’re almost as messed up as I am. – Barney Stinson
Oh, Ted, no. Do not tell me you’re going to start searching for ‘The One’ again. The only time I want to hear you saying ‘The One’ is if it’s followed by the word ‘hundredth.’ – Barney Stinson
You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn’t be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won’t be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. – Barney Stinson
It’s time to let go of the fantasies. It’s time to grow up. – Barney Stinson
You poor thing. Having to grow up in Canada, with America right there. – Barney Stinson
A lie is just a really great story that someone ruined with the truth. – Barney Stinson
Hey, so you know how I’ve always had a thing for halfAsian chicks? Well, now I’ve got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new halfAsians. – Barney Stinson
That is the Dominator . The best in the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy. – Barney Stinson
