89+ Best Comedy Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Comedy is a type of film, play, or book that is intentionally funny either in its characters or its action. Profoundly inspirational comedy quotes will challenge the way you think, and help guide you through any life experience.

If you’re searching for funny sayings and top sarcastic quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of significant funny teamwork quotes, best sense of humor quotes and famous funny money quotes.

Famous Comedy Quotes

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. Mindy Kaling

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. Dr. Seuss

Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos. Stanley Hudson

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see. Edgar Allan Poe

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. W.C. Fields

Lord, what fools these mortals be! William Shakespeare

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. Horace Walpole

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

You are a manipulator. I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer. J.R. Ward

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. Mae West

Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel. Jean Racine

Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me! Charlie Brown

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. Erma Bombeck

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. James Branch Cabell

A tragedy is a tragedy, and at the bottom, all tragedies are stupid. Give me a choice and I’ll take A Midsummer Night’s Dream over Hamlet every time. Any fool with steady hands and a working set of lungs can build up a house of cards and then blow it down, but it takes a genius to make people laugh. Stephen King

I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. Bill Watterson

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent. Steve Martin

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. Mae West

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole. Frank Zappa

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.W.C. Fields

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

I love mankind it’s people I can’t stand!! Charles M. Schulz

Life is a drama full of tragedy and comedy. You should learn to enjoy the comic episodes a little more. Jeannette Walls

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway. Eric Idle

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. Michael Scott

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know? Chris Rock

Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

You are enough to drive a saint to madness or a king to his knees. Grace Willows

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Graham Chapman

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. Isaac Asimov

He shook his head. The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I’m going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of grievances. Susan Elizabeth Phillips

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it. Lao Tzu

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. Lewis Black

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Kevin Malone

The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of a comedy. Arthur Schopenhauer

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, Would an idiot do that? And if they would, I do not do that thing. Dwight Schrute

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen. Philip K. Dick

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain

Pamela, I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up! Lemme tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me and the way you are with me  and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m going to live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else. I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream. You were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you, Pamela. It’s like a condition. It’s like polio. I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you. And I can’t be with you. So I’m gonna die and I don’t care cause I was brought into existence to know you and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back it’s like greedy. Louis C.K.

I’m not crazy I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years. Ouiser Boudreaux

Jack couldn’t help but watch Nonie as she left. She looked to be twenty nine, thirty at the most, stood maybe five foot four and was slender. She had shoulder length, curly, walnut colored hair and the largest most beautiful blue eyes he’d ever seem Her nose and ears were small in comparison to her full lips, which he’d give anything to kiss. Deborah Leblanc

Well, you know what they say If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me. Clairee Belcher

Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance  you always have a lot less than you think. Dylan Moran

A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.Eleanor Roosevelt

You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. Chelsea Handler

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. Oprah Winfrey

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all. Shannon L. Alder

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton

She was a ray of sunshine, a warm summer rain, a bright fire on a cold winter’s day, and now she could be dead because she had tried to save the man she loved. Grace Willows

I drink to make other people more interesting. Ernest Hemingway

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. Steve Martin

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. Chelsea Handler

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, Damn, that was fun. Groucho Marx

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa. Ricky Gervais

I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde. Dolly Parton

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said We don’t serve colored people here. I said that’s all right, I don’t eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken. Dick Gregory

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. Blanche Devereaux

I’m standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy. Amelia Atwater Rhodes

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you. Rita Mae Brown

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged. Terry Pratchett

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. Garry Shandling

Clearly these were deliberate waterworks to make me feel bad about myself and what would you know, they water worked perfectly! Jimmy Tudeski

People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass. Sophia Petrillo

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click I agree. Bill Maher

I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Pam Beesly

But you know, mon petite, what you got is a gift. And when de good Lord gives you a gift you have to use it. Dat’s why he put you here on dis earth. Sometime it’s gonna be to help a soul cross over to de other side to meet him. If dat’s whey you gott do, den dat’s what you gotta do. You can’t just keep collecting de dead. You gonna have to find a way to take what you got and work wit dat. Deborah Leblanc

Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind numbing, boring, idiotic, self destructive diversion from the fun of living. Meryl Streep

Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. Cindy Crawford

And I must draft an advertisement for the Daily Prophet, too, he added thoughtfully. We’ll be needing a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Dear me, we do seem to run through them, don’t we? J.K. Rowling

I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural. Truvy Jones

I like to watch the news, because I don’t like people very much and when you watch the news if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you’re right. Frank Zappa

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. Lucille Ball

You think I’m deranged! How refreshing. Everyone here takes me so seriously, it’s a wonderful change to be thought mentally deficient. Katie MacAlister

​​Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin across your face. Truvy Jones

I’m not aspiring to be someone else If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it. Terry Lander

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Joan Rivers

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees. Brett Tate

People say, How you stay looking so young? I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup. Dolly Parton

There is no greater power than that of a laugh and happiness is a force which can save a person from the horrors of the world. Hillary DePiano

Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway. Sophia Petrillo