I’ve found this week such a struggle, like a real tough week. I’ve found it hard to even do basic things like brush my teeth or get dressed and that isn’t like me. I’ve had struggles with my sleep since I was a child, conditions have to be just so and now living with my partner who is not a peaceful person to sleep with (snores, grabs the sheets etc.) is a big change for me and I’ve been surviving on a lot less sleep. At work yesterday I had to wrestle with my heavy lids closing on me in the middle of our open plan office.
Since moving in the flat I’ve been going out socially a lot less partly as I feel too down to be chatty and upbeat and partly because I don’t have a huge amount of my friends based in Reading so there aren’t that many people I can meet up with. Being in the confines of our flat so much with my boyfriend who is such a quiet man who keeps himself to himself and who sleeps so much has left me feeling a bit lonely and isolated. The flat has had many big issues meaning that it’s not the cosy little haven that I would want it to be and I feel sort of trapped in this place which is making me feel kinda gross because of it’s condition.
I tried my best to make myself feel better, I got my hair highlighted and lowlighted and I did a photo shoot which I didn’t feel like doing but which I enjoyed despite being told that I have a deep brow and “Indian nose” (the photographer was not the most sensitive or PC person but I took it lightly). He said I was interesting to photograph which In take a as a compliment. But it wasn’t enough.
Me and my partner decided that after paying for our flights and planning the trip we can’t go to Sweden because of issues with having enough funds. Another blow as I love travelling and this was somewhere that was the top of my list to go to.
This week I did have the opportunity to meet with a former college classmate to start a musical venture, something I really want to get back into. I miss performing a lot and I think to be doing something like that will make me feel reinvigorated. But I didn’t want to put on this mask of “being ok” when that wasn’t what I was feeling. I also arranged to go to a trial of a dance class but I didn’t want to have to put on this facade to these new people when I’ve been doing that all week at work. It’s exhausting. I feel so disappointed with how life is right now.
Being in this flat which is currently not a very nice place so much is not good for me. So, I need to push myself to get out and do the things which will make me happier, no one else will push me to do it. I need to have the willpower to do the things that will make my life better even when I feel like I’m sinking.
So this week I will go to the gym, catch up with friends, meet up with my friend who wants to start a band, look at look at dance classes again, eat less, look at a marketing course and start looking at a trip to Amsterdam with one of my best friends. I need to do these things for myself, my wellbeing and sense of satisfaction. Keep on keeping on.