Conan Christopher O’Brien is an American television host, comedian, writer, podcaster, and producer. He is best known as the host of Late Night with Conan O’Brien (1993–2009), The Tonight Show (2009–10), and Conan (2010– ). Funny Conan O’Brien quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.
If you’re searching for amazing quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Lenny Bruce quotes, funny John Mulaney quotes, and hilarious Eric Andre quotes.
Most Famous Conan O’Brien Quotes
I hear YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging to form a super social media site YouTwitFace.
A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die. Conan O’Brien
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site YouTwitFace. Conan O’Brien
Being a dad is the greatest, except for assembling things.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, Jesus! This cup is expensive! Conan O’Brien
The number one sign that someone’s going through a rough time usually is that they grow a beard.
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. Conan O’Brien
Fish recognize a bad leader.
A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House Conan O’Brien
Keep cool my babies.
Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over. Conan O’Brien
When all else fails, there’s always delusion.
Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes. Conan O’Brien
I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.
In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network. Conan O’Brien
Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace’s last user went private.
It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re invention. Conan O’Brien
Once you discover white paint, you’ll never wash your underwear again.
Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness. Conan O’Brien
Let’s just agree, any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a ‘cumberbatch.
I’ve always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, You should be getting to bed now. Conan O’Brien
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it’s been really inconvenient because, several times now, they’ve had to use the Starbucks across the street. Conan O’Brien
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions. Conan O’Brien
Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Conan O’Brien
There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.
Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It’s helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year. Conan O’Brien
It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention.
Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don’t know. Conan O’Brien
Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you’re desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way.
Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you’re desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way. Conan O’Brien Quotes
Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.
Nietzsche famously said Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Conan O’Brien
Nobody knows really what they’re doing and there’s two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it.
This week Disney opened its first ever theme park in China. More than ten thousand children showed up on opening day. And that was just to make the T shirts. Conan O’Brien
One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.
To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside. Conan O’Brien
I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful, but that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me; and it should not define you.
The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. Conan O’Brien
Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.
In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography. Conan O’Brien
Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen.
After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, ‘Tell me who the other nominees are and I will eliminate them. Conan O’Brien
The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.
Donald Trump insisted he’s always had a great relationship with women. He said, ‘I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one. Conan O’Brien
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.
A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone. Conan O’Brien
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
Once you discover white paint, you’ll never wash your underwear again. Conan O’Brien
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumbers’ union.
People are already talking about the next presidential election. There’s stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can’t win. Immediately after the speech, Hillary told her husband to shut up. Conan O’Brien
Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse. Conan O’Brien
According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make believe people are feeling the punch.
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV. Conan O’Brien
Scientists have found a way to keep middle aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they’re working on a way to keep middle aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.
After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump’s hair has a new show on Animal Planet. Conan O’Brien
A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch your die.
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes. Conan O’Brien
A group of psychologists say they have discovered 23 different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all 23 at the same time, they recommend taking a tour of the White House.
Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win. Conan O’Brien
Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said it better come in a cool ranch flavor.
Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain. Conan O’Brien
Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie Frozen. One leaves you with something highly infectious that’s impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.
Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown. Conan O’Brien
The top two movies at the box office this weekend were High School Musical 3 and Saw V. One movie features gruesome onscreen torture that is difficult to watch and the other is about a guy with a saw.
Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie ‘Frozen.’ One leaves you with something highly infectious that’s impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola. Conan O’Brien
Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.
Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. Conan O’Brien
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn’t drink now does.
Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you. Conan O’Brien
A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they’re so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money, and their mouths were full of chocolate.
It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re invention. Conan O’Brien
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today then they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
When all else fails there’s always delusion. Conan O’Brien
Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don’t know.
Don’t be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you. Conan O’Brien
For the first time since 2007, the FDA has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.
Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over. Conan O’Brien
According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found that most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.
It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. Conan O’Brien
The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it’s nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. Conan O’Brien
I was funny. But I was not the class clown. The class clown is the guy that gets up and sets the clock ahead 20 minutes. That guy always dies in a motel shootout.
I like being tested. I get as scared as anyone. But the feeling of putting yourself on the line, betting on your talent and having it work; that’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Conan O’Brien
If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, ‘That guy is worthless! He’s sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.’ It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.
Over thinking in your brain is anathema to the process of thinking on your feet. Conan O’Brien
In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.
Nobody knows really what they’re doing and there’s two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it. Conan O’Brien
To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.
Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Conan O’Brien
I think I have a lot of emotional intelligence. There are certain things I know a lot about, and there are areas where I’m staggeringly stupid.
There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. Conan O’Brien
When I’m on the freeway I can’t help but honk at the a holes who don’t like my violent, unpredictable driving.
Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen. Conan O’Brien
If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good
If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk. Conan O’Brien
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too. Conan O’Brien
Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn’t eligible for another fifteen years.
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. Conan O’Brien
John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don’t know what they’re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, ‘Just keeping my options open. It’s a dicey job market. You never know. Conan O’Brien
This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
Pamela Anderson released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
I hate cynicism it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Conan O’Brien
I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
There’s no cure for getting depressed. There’s no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more. Conan O’Brien
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don’t want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi Wan Kenobi.
Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6 foot mouse is real. Conan O’Brien
The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney’s horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there’s one thing that family needs, it’s more gold.
Applaud my idiocy. Conan O’Brien
Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn’t doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts. Conan O’Brien
It’s now come out just before his record breaking 100 meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald’s. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.
Saudi Arabia’s first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics. Conan O’Brien
Scientists say, because of global warming, they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can only mean one thing Gary Coleman is going to drown.
The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. Conan O’Brien
