163+ Best Conan O’Brien Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Conan Christopher O’Brien is an American television host, comedian, writer, podcaster, and producer. He is best known as the host of Late Night with Conan O’Brien (1993–2009), The Tonight Show (2009–10), and Conan (2010– ). Funny Conan O’Brien quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for amazing quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Lenny Bruce quotes, funny John Mulaney quotes, and hilarious Eric Andre quotes.

Most Famous Conan O’Brien Quotes

Republicans have called for a National African American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood. – Conan O’Brien

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die. – Conan O’Brien

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real. – Conan O’Brien

Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It’s helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year. – Conan O’Brien

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they’re not hiring liberal arts majors. – Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain. – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, ‘He sure sounds presidentiary to me.’ – Conan O’Brien

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don’t know what they’re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career. – Conan O’Brien

Tom Cruise’s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin’s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. – Conan O’Brien

Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you’re desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way. – Conan O’Brien

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it’s 22 years later, and they still haven’t lost their virginity. – Conan O’Brien

Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. … Green means everything’s okay. Red means we’re in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we’re being attacked by Martha Stewart. – Conan O’Brien

Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker. – Conan O’Brien

Dropkick Murphys, everybody! That’s a band! – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama. – Conan O’Brien

Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes. – Conan O’Brien

In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on ‘Tweeter.’ After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, What an idiot! It’s ‘The Tweeter.” – Conan O’Brien

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network. – Conan O’Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans. – Conan O’Brien

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don’t worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine. – Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently, he misunderstood the phrase, ‘Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.’ – Conan O’Brien

The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out. – Conan O’Brien

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too. – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’ – Conan O’Brien

I hate cynicism – it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. – Conan O’Brien

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don’t know. – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off. – Conan O’Brien

A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans. – Conan O’Brien

Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion. – Conan O’Brien

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it. – Conan O’Brien

‘Shrek 2’ made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him. – Conan O’Brien

On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with – Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions. – Conan O’Brien

A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone. – Conan O’Brien

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump insisted he’s always had a great relationship with women. He said, ‘I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.’ – Conan O’Brien

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness. – Conan O’Brien

People are already talking about the next presidential election. There are stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can’t win. Immediately after the speech, Hillary told her husband to shut up. – Conan O’Brien

To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside. – Conan O’Brien

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable. – Conan O’Brien

Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. – Conan O’Brien

Once you discover white paint, you’ll never wash your underwear again. – Conan O’Brien

I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops. – Conan O’Brien

Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush. – Conan O’Brien

North Korea is creating its own time zone. It’s going to push the country’s time back a half hour. So it’s not bad enough that they don’t have food and they’re ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune.’ – Conan O’Brien

Nietzsche famously saidWhatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. – Conan O’Brien

President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, ‘It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.’ – Conan O’Brien

Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea, while others hate it. – Conan O’Brien

The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to saute the books. – Conan O’Brien

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning. – Conan O’Brien

Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven’t spoken to each other since George W. Bush’s inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven’t spoken since Richard Nixon’s inauguration. – Conan O’Brien

The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It’s historic – the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord. – Conan O’Brien

Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win. – Conan O’Brien

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there’s only six people under 30 who actually vote. – Conan O’Brien

A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty-three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House – Conan O’Brien

In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography. – Conan O’Brien

President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, ‘You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.’ – Conan O’Brien

Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word ‘baruch,’ which means one who’s blessed. That’s what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there. – Conan O’Brien

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, ‘Tell me who the other nominees are – and I will eliminate them.’ – Conan O’Brien

A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it’s been really inconvenient because, several times now, they’ve had to use the Starbucks across the street. – Conan O’Brien

I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site – YouTwitFace. – Conan O’Brien

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. – Conan O’Brien

Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I’m talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. – Conan O’Brien

I’ve always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, ‘You should be getting to bed now.’ – Conan O’Brien

Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he’s getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: ‘Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.’ – Conan O’Brien

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, ‘I had more leg room in the womb.’ – Conan O’Brien

All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. – Conan O’Brien

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones. – Conan O’Brien

This week Disney opened its first ever theme park in China. More than ten thousand children showed up on opening day. And that was just to make the T-shirts. – Conan O’Brien

They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick’s Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home. – Conan O’Brien

Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over. – Conan O’Brien

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. – Conan O’Brien

St. Patrick’s Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake. – Conan O’Brien

Nobody knows really what they’re doing and there’s two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it. – Conan O’Brien

The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. – Conan O’Brien

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. – Conan O’Brien

Apparently, the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. – Conan O’Brien

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’ – Conan O’Brien

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. – Conan O’Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. – Conan O’Brien

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. – Conan O’Brien

According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. – Conan O’Brien

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. – Conan O’Brien

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. – Conan O’Brien

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. – Conan O’Brien

There’s good random, and there’s bad random. There’s good silly and there’s bad silly, and you’ve gotta know the difference. – Conan O’Brien

It’s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. – Conan O’Brien

People should say ‘no comment’ more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let’s have more no comment. – Conan O’Brien

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’ – Conan O’Brien

I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the ‘Late Night’ show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes… And I studied that for years, and I really loved it. – Conan O’Brien

The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. – Conan O’Brien

Every comedian dreams of hosting ‘The Tonight Show’ and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. – Conan O’Brien

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That’s right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and whatever it is I have. – Conan O’Brien

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. – Conan O’Brien

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. – Conan O’Brien

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, ‘Why didn’t you do that when you were on television?’ – Conan O’Brien

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber’ union. – Conan O’Brien

During last night’s debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage. – Conan O’Brien

I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be. – Conan O’Brien

Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn’t eligible for another fifteen years. – Conan O’Brien

One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. – Conan O’Brien

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn’t changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he’s started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. – Conan O’Brien

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. – Conan O’Brien

CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, ‘It’s not so bad.’ – Conan O’Brien

I’ll say I’m happy doing my thing. No one says ‘no comment’ anymore. – Conan O’Brien

Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. – Conan O’Brien

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. – Conan O’Brien

If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn’t always make it funnier. What I’m noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. – Conan O’Brien

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, ‘Whatever you do, don’t tell Geraldo.’ – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back. – Conan O’Brien

People just can’t go on with an awards show like nothing happened. – Conan O’Brien

You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people. – Conan O’Brien

I’m a paranoid person. And I think – I’m the kind of person that can come up with lots of negative scenarios. But I remembered thinking that seemed like – that was a stretch even for me. – Conan O’Brien

I went through some stuff. And I got very depressed at times. It was like a marriage breaking up suddenly, violently, quickly. And I was just trying to figure out what happened. When we started putting this tour together, I started to feel better almost immediately. And then this there is this, there is almost no better antidote to what Ive just been through than to do this every night. – Conan O’Brien

A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that. – Conan O’Brien

A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it’s the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years. – Conan O’Brien

According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch. – Conan O’Brien

Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, ‘For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.’ Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats. – Conan O’Brien

It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, ‘Wait. You mean that wasn’t lemon Tang?’ – Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.’ – Conan O’Brien

A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased ’cause they sent out absentee ballots that say ‘Barack Osama.’ Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say ‘Barack Hussein Osama.’ – Conan O’Brien

Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president. – Conan O’Brien

Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name ‘Microsoft Windows.’ – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy’s to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there were high winds and Trump’s hair nearly killed two people. – Conan O’Brien

Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it’s known in Utah, Monday. – Conan O’Brien

It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show ‘Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.’ – Conan O’Brien

The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance. – Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we’re going to keep Obamacare. – Conan O’Brien

Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace’s last user went private. – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II…Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy? – Conan O’Brien

Last night’s vice-presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie ‘Fargo.’ – Conan O’Brien

Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they’re working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars. – Conan O’Brien

California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid. – Conan O’Brien

Earlier this week – this is crazy – the country’s first marijuana cafe opened up, which not only sells medical marijuana, but also has a restaurant where customers can eat. In a related story, the recession is over. – Conan O’Brien

The three auto companies in the United States, they’re all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn’t that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, ‘$25 billion.’ They just want that money; they don’t care. That’s without mud flaps. – Conan O’Brien

The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That’s what they said. It’s a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC. – Conan O’Brien

Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less. – Conan O’Brien

In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up … and three of them were made out of crepe paper! – Conan O’Brien

When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn’t say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer. – Conan O’Brien

Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around. – Conan O’Brien

MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he’s not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan. – Conan O’Brien

Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement. – Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire. – Conan O’Brien

According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a ‘jackass.’ Not since ‘yes, we can’ has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind. – Conan O’Brien

It’s April 15, Tax Day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good. – Conan O’Brien

Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie. – Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.’ – Conan O’Brien

Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048. – Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history. – Conan O’Brien

The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads. – Conan O’Brien

Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up. – Conan O’Brien

Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make. – Conan O’Brien

President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. – Conan O’Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually, the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week. – Conan O’Brien

Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, ‘I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.’ In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.’ – Conan O’Brien

A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there. – Conan O’Brien

The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin’s word ‘refudiate’ to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to ‘dismangle’ the English language. – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents. – Conan O’Brien

First Lady Michelle Obama appears on ‘Sesame Street’ to celebrate the show’s 40th anniversary. It’s going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband’s dragging his feet on gay marriage. – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself ‘Barry from D.C.’ Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck’s radio show as ‘B. Hussein from Kenya.’ – Conan O’Brien

There’s a new children’s book that’s coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don’t want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi’s mother. – Conan O’Brien

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.