Profoundly inspirational dark humor quotes will make you look at life differently and help you live a meaningful life.
Famous Dark Humor Quotes
Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk Robert Bloch
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. Durzo Blint Brent Weeks
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. Jerry Seinfeld
The rest of us can find happiness in misery. Fall Out Boy
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right John Cleaver Dan Wells
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.W. C. Fields
When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper, so it doesn’t ruin your whole day. Jay Wickre
I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often but I’m well preserved. Rose Kennedy
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller
There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. Vladimir Nabokov
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. Jerry Seinfeld
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often but I’m well preserved Rose Kennedy
Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. Edward Abbey
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there George Burns
There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. Vladimir Nabokov
I try to keep in mind, I recite dryly as I run the front sight of my pistol over his face, ‘that my life is only as significant as I am to the lives of others. He’s sobbing and won’t look up from the floor, so I lean close to his ear and ask softly, Would you say that I’m significant to your life? Dennis Sharpe
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. Paul Simon
The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance. Lucy Grealy
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said I gotta use that one. Paul Simon
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. George Bernard Shaw
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. E. B. White
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. Saul Bellow
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. E. B. White
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. Franklin P. Jones
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. Saul Bellow
I realized that success in most things depends on finding people stupid enough to volunteer to try doing them but smart enough to have a chance of succeeding Jack Campbell
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis
I have a wonderful make up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty Bob Hope
If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents. Marcelene Cox
What, after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean. Christopher Fry
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. Franklin P. Jones
Why take hours to drown when you can do it in a minute? Death can be kind if you allow him to be sometimes. M. R. C. Kasasian
I have a wonderful make up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. Bob Hope
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin
Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk. Robert Bloch
I have a knack for finding humor in all sorts of things, no matter how grim. My sense of humor is wry and a bit on the warped side. Well, more than a bit, depending on whom you ask. Gerri R. Gray
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips
He’d interpreted my move as rudeness, but I thought it would’ve been much ruder to stab him Kayla Krantz
What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean. Christopher Fry
My only choice was between the disastrous and the unpalatable. A very German choice. Philip Kerr
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. H. L. Mencken
The need for clean clothing outlived disasters. The end of the world could come, but that would only mean more bloodstains to wash. Brandon Sanderson
I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
Life doesn’t end, you just run out of road. Stewart Stafford
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!
I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it. That’s awful, Ling said when she found her voice again. ‘It was awful. I loved those pants. Libba Bray
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors well, 100% of dead people don’t Stewart Stafford
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager. William S. Burroughs
I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
