33+ Best Dark Humor Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Profoundly inspirational dark humor quotes will make you look at life differently and help you live a meaningful life.

Famous Dark Humor Quotes

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. — Oscar Wilde

Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk. — Robert Bloch

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit. — Mel Brooks

I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors – well, 100% of dead people don’t! — Stewart Stafford

I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.’ ‘That’s awful,’ Ling said when she found her voice again. ‘It was awful. I loved those pants. — Libba Bray

How much is real and for how long? — J. Limbu

Revenge is beneath me. Accidents, however, will happen. —

I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that. — Michelle Franklin

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn’t ruin your whole day. — Jay Wickre

You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. — Joseph Kesselring

The dumber people think you are, the most surprised they’re going to be when you kill them. — William Clayton

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged. — Terry Pratchett

I’m seriously the nicest and meanest person you will ever meet. Now f*ck off and have a great day. — Unknown

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. — George Burns

I have a drinking problem, I can’t afford it. — Unknown

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

What Promise of a new day does one have to ignore to laugh so early in the morning? — Leot Felton

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see anymore. — James Hetfield

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. — Terry Pratchett

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. — Will Rogers

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. — Anton Chekhov

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat — Unknown

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day. — Neil Degrasse Tyson

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists. — Yahtzee Croshaw

When in doubt, blow something up. — J. Michael Straczynski

Neighbours complaining about someone’s dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn’t been much left of the old girl worth eating. — James Oswald

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. — Johnny Carson

Say what you want about the deaf. — Jimmy Carr

Sometimes I miss the people my characters were before I ruined their lives. — Victoria Schwab

It’s so hard being goth. You have to have a bad time everywhere. — Clint Catalyst

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. — Al McGuire

My friend died doing what he loved… H*r*in. — DeAnne Smith

You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue. — Claude Chabrol

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