“I’m sorry to say that there’s not much I can do now, we’ve ran out of options and there’s no more medication to try either.”
The words I most dreaded to hear, came true AGAIN for the millionth time. And that’s how my Friday went last week. TGIF huh! My doctor is great. He has been the most passionate and most giving person. Doing his best, searching for every possible way to rid me of my chronic dizziness and daily vertigo attacks that have crippled me for 3 years and counting. We’ve done tests that I’ve never imagined, tried meds that gave real bad side effects but did not help relieve the dizziness even a bit.
I didn’t have much hope when I began to see him 6 months ago. Naturally. I’ve already seen a couple of ENTs but decided to give him a go given that he operated on my dad’s ear a couple of years back and told my dad to let him see me. The first medication he put me on gave the best results of all I’ve taken and tried and I’m still taking it. Though it hasn’t freed me of the dizziness, it helps me manage better. I can eat, walk without assistance and even take short walks to the grocery store (the aisles are killer for the peripheral signals!).
That’s how my little seed of hope dangerously and daringly grew. Big mistake. So over the past week I’ve been doing my best not to fall into the endless pit of abysmal anguish which I must say, is challenging. Masking tears and suicidal thoughts seemed to have developed into a talent! Yah-hoo!
I’ve stopped praying and asking for healing as I only seem to face the toughest rejection each time – I am thrown into another episode of an almost 2 week long persistent vertigo attacks going to bed and upon waking. I long for the day to rest my head on my pillow without spinning and not spinning upon waking. I don’t even know what balance feels like anymore. It’s as if my body has become accustomed to this imbalance of constantly feeling like I’m on a boat or in a turbo speed spinning chair.
See also: Nausea from the motion sickness, excruciating headaches and blurry vision
I still wonder why and ask why. I think asking is not the correct expression. SCREAMING and PLEADING more like. Deep inside. It got me reflecting a little.
How many of us has dared to truly and fully let go and let God? Especially when things don’t seem to improve and only get worse. We begin to doubt, question, and our faith starts to waver. We forgot all we learnt and read. Our hearts become weak and we forget how great our God is. No matter how hard we try to be calm and surrender, we fail most times. It’s scary to even think of letting go of your life. No control? Really? That’s crazy. I mean. I should do something right? Try to make things right, figure things out?
However, God doesn’t want us to do anything. At times like this where human limitations are clearly presented, there is only God. My chiropractor that I see doesn’t believe in God. She follows buddha’s teachings and is a very strong and caring person. So humble, so family oriented, not always about money. She cares about the wellbeing of her patients. Her daughter started having these fainting episodes in school and it got to a point where she couldn’t even walk, she had to be in a wheelchair. An active and bubbly girl who’s in every dance, cheerleader and sports team turned like this. Very quickly. And I’ll never forget what my chiro said with such a heavy heart: “I have never been so religious in my life, praying to a God out there“. Imagine how she felt being a doctor herself? Helpless in front of her fainting daughter, feeling like a failure?
It’s in moments of utter nothingness and helplessness that we seek a higher being. Is this it? My life? My body that I have no control over? Even doctors can’t help me? Up to now, with all the tests that were done on her, nothing shows up on the results. Dizzy spells, sudden fainting, weakness, fatigue. Why? How did it happen? Miraculously she started to slowly recover. Strong and positive parents definitely play a big part. She’s not back to her full normal self now but she’s able to exercise a little every day and walk on her own now.
What I’ve learnt during this time is to stop trying to understand God, but focus on how great and mighty He is. THAT is your understanding. There is good out of every suffering. We just need to find it and hold on to it. Hope keeps you going. Hope keeps you praying. There is a better life out there. For whatever reason God has allowed me to be in this state, I will trust.
“Spiritual life is not just a way of being but also a way of becoming. It entails a long and painful process.” – I forgot where I read this
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression