88+ Best Drunk Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Profoundly inspirational drunk quotes will challenge the way you think, and help guide you through any life experience.

Famous Drunk Quotes

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin

One should always be drunk. That’s all that matters. But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk. Charles Baudelaire

I drink to make other people more interesting. Ernest Hemingway

Kiss me again, he says, drunk and foolish. Kiss me until I am sick of it. Holly Black

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. Ogden Nash

A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk. Charlie Chaplin

After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world. Oscar Wilde

And in the end, we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness. Christopher Poindexter

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly. Ron Burgundy

Go to bed, you fool, Calcifer said sleepily. You’re drunk. Who, me? said Howl. I assure you, my friends, I am cone sold stober. He got up and stalked upstairs, feeling for the wall as if he thought it might escape him unless he kept in touch with it. His bedroom door did escape him. Diana Wynne Jones

A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk. Charlie Chaplin

What’s so unpleasant about being drunk? Ask a glass of water! Douglas Adams

Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health.Thomas Jefferson

I am not a broken heart. I am not collarbones or drunken letters never sent. I am not the way I leave or left or didn’t know how to handle anything, at any time, and I am not your fault. Charlotte Eriksson

The more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink. Phoebe Buffay

They’re professionals at this in Russia, so no matter how many Jell O shots or Jager shooters you might have downed at college mixers, no matter how good a drinker you might think you are, don’t forget that the Russians any Russian can drink you under the table. Anthony Bourdain

There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne. Bette Davis

People are talking about immigration, emigration and the rest of the fucking thing. It’s all fucking crap. We’re all human beings, we’re all mammals, we’re all rocks, plants, rivers. Fucking borders are just such a pain in the fucking arse. Shane MacGowan

Wine is sunlight, held together by water. Galileo

I am not collarbones or drunken letters never sent. I am not the way I leave or left or didn’t know how to handle anything, at any time, and I am not your fault. Charlotte Eriksson

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway

I thought about the days i had handed over to a bottle the nights i can’t remember the mornings i slept thru all the time spent running from myself. Mitch Albom

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say scientists? I meant Irish people.Tina Fey

Jon What are you doing up there? Why aren’t you at the feast? Tyrion Too hot, too noisy, and I’d drunk too much wine, the dwarf told him. I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother. George R.R. Martin

They say as soon as you have to cut down on your drinking, you have a drinking problem. Don Draper

Needy people are like newborns, I have come to realize. One intoxicated night and BAM! You are stuck with this problem. You finally take it home and it wants to keep you up all night and cries when it isn’t sucking on various parts of your anatomy. It wants you there for everything rocking, feeding, burping, changing. It’s ridiculous. If I wanted a kid I would have one. Until then, grow the hell up and stand on your own two feet, you little crazy. Chase Brooks

Independence is a heady draught, and if you drink it in your youth, it can have the same effect on the brain as young wine does. It does not matter that its taste is not always appealing. It is addictive and with each drink you want more. Maya Angelou

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. Criss Jami

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill

Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It’s like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer! John Green

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. Dean Martin

I’m done peeing now. Thank you for letting me know. Jessica Park

I don’t have a drinking problem, cept when I can’t get a drink. Tom Waits

Love me like Saturday night, like three glasses of champagne, like the room is spinning, like you’re drunk on my love. C.J. Carlyon

Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world. Jack Nicholson

My mind may be sober, but my confidence is high! Habeeb Akande

Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough. Mark Twain

Maybe some folks are alcoholics and others are just voluntary drunks. Maybe some folks drink due to body chemistry and others due to their lazy characters. Maybe some have drinking problems, while others have problems enough to drink. George Jones

I pray you, do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine. William Shakespeare

I am alive, and drunk on sunlight. George R.R. Martin

I work until beer o’clock. Stephen King

Jack, you’ve debauched my sloth. Patrick O’Brian

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky and a dog to eat the rare steak. Johnny Carson

We all look for happiness, but without knowing where to find it like drunkards who look for their house, knowing dimly that they have one. Voltaire

Here’s to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life. F. Scott Fitzgerald

You can’t just make me different and then leave. John Green

That’s what I do. I drink and I know things. Tyrion Lannister

There are hours for rest, and hours for wakefulness; nights for sobriety and nights for drunkenness if only so that possession of the former allows us to discern the latter when we have it; for sad as it is, no human body can be happily drunk all the time. Roman Payne

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. Stephen Colbert

Nothing spells trouble like two drunk cowboys with a rocket launcher. C.J. Box

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. Steve Martin

What I learned in this tragedy was the eternal lesson of good people going bad. Steven Ramirez

There’s a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Lt. Archie Hicox

After a long moment, Laurent said, I’m going to need some help standing up. C.S. Pacat

Vodka is kind of a hobby. Betty White

Millions of deaths would not have happened if it weren’t for the consumption of alcohol. The same can be said about millions of births. Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Just because you’re sober, don’t think you’re a good driver, Cookie. John Irving

Don’t be such a square. Everybody who’s anybody drinks. Lorraine Baines

Mr Cobb was my escort. Such a nice escort, Mr Cobb. So attentive. You should see him sober. I should see him sober. Somebody should see him sober. I mean, just for the record. So it could become a part of history, that brief flashing moment, soon buried in time, but never forgotten when Larry Cobb was sober. Raymond Chandler

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew? Craig Ferguson

Wasted away again in Margaritaville. Jimmy Buffett

But I did not return until half past four this morning and I distinctly remember stubbing my toe on the stairs. I am as drunk as a skunk, Drumknott, which of course means skunks are just as drunk as I. I must say the term is unfamiliar to me, and I had not thought hitherto of skunks in this context, but Mustrum Ridcully was kind enough to enlighten me. Terry Pratchett

Never lie, steal, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away. Alex Hitch

Henry shook his head, I was drunk, he said, trying to sound both ashamed and firm in this belief. He remembered the rosebush incident very clearly, of course, but he knew that sneaking into the bedroom window of his fiancee’s little sister wasn’t something he wanted to explain to his father. Sometimes, Henry reflected, being taken for a perpetual drunk was sort of convenient. Anna Godbersen

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy. Frank Sinatra

To be now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast! William Shakespeare

There are two kinds of people I don’t trust people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers. Chelsea Handler

He looked into the crowd for approval, saw his mother and father. He waved and they waved back. Smiles and Indian teeth. They were both drunk. Everything familiar and welcome. Everything beautiful. Sherman Alexie

Why is the rum gone? Jack Sparrow

Oh my God. I’m not Keith Richards. I’m Otis from Mayberry! A fucking drunk! Dave Mustaine

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. William Butler Yeats

I have no idea what time it is in London, and have had too much wine to bother with the math to figure it out. J. Kenner

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort, it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail. David Sedaris

The tragedy of Dionysus Wear a black robe at night, and white you’ll wear by morning; but wear a purple robe to the midnight feast, and when you wake you’ll dress in black to mourn your soul deceased. Roman Payne

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets. Ron Swanson

You can’t get the blood out. Steven Ramirez

My justification is that most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about what they’re going to do for the next five or 10 years. The time they spend thinking about their life, I just spend drinking. Amy Winehouse

I make no excuse for what happened. Drunkenness is never more than a symptom, not an absolute cause, and I realize that it would be wrong of me to try to defend myself. Nevertheless, there is at least the possibility of an explanation. Paul Auster

You say potato, I say vodka. Karen Walker

Drunkenness that fierce rage for the slow, sure poison, that oversteps every other consideration; that casts aside wife, children, friends, happiness, and station; and hurries its victims madly on to degradation and death. Charles Dickens

What good can drinkin do, what good can drinkin do? Lord, I drink all night but the next day I still feel blue. Janis Joplin

Bonnie was so drunk she could hardly walk. I had always felt sorry for her, having to live the life she was living, never a minute’s peace. She had often told me she was happier when she had something to drink. So I did not blame her for staying drunk most of the time, if it made her feel better. Blanche Caldwell Barrow

Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance. Benjamin Franklin

A sober outlook on life makes someone drunk. Tamerlan Kuzgov

Shaken, not stirred. James Bond