I believe I’m passive aggressive. This is not anything to be proud of, it is just a fact of my life. In this passive aggressiveness I catch myself giving a fake smile to people, and then talk a lot of shit behind their back because they annoyed me for whatever reason. Is it fair? not at all. This is why I think I should find my voice within myself and be absolutely honest. Easier said than done, though. I don’t like hurting peoples’ feelings. How ironic! I don’t want to label myself a hypocrite…but maybe that is what I am. At least in this sense. I like to be heard but don’t like confrontation. I am always painstakingly picking and choosing my battles. I’m always making choices between what’s worth to argue about and what shouldn’t even leave my lips. I am afraid of criticism but love to criticize. One thing seems to lead to the other.
I want to be able to express myself. Not as bluntly as I would like but well enough to be understood. I want to be able to muster up the courage to say “no”. Don’t get me wrong, I do say no often, but I also tend to be sort of like a “yes, man”. Everything doesn’t have to revolve around guarding other peoples’ feelings. I ASSUME that they will react a certain way. I think that when people let us know in honesty when we are doing something wrong it is how we learn. However, I know I don’t like it when I’m told I’m doing something wrong because I always want to be RIGHT. What is the idea behind “wrong”? Does it depend on perspective, does it depend on experience, does it depend on the person? I question plenty and I question often. What does it all say about me and do people share my thoughts on this?
Sometimes I lack good vocabulary words. My paragraphs are vague and open ended in a way. I’ve even considered reading the dictionary from the first page to the last. I read that Eminem used to do this before becoming who he is today. Don’t quote me on that – I forgot the source.
Not sure if I expressed myself like I wanted.
Not sure If i said everything I had to say.
Until next time!