We all make mistakes and take risks, I made one this week. It’s one to do with my ex-boyfriend who I’m not over and probably won’t be for a long time. It’s one that could have cost me all of the progress that I have made since the start of the year when I fell ill. Dissecting it, I miss him and his company a lot so meeting up with him at his suggestion was an exciting prospect. But he’s not the same person I knew, it’s like he’s wearing this cold, bitter mask which spouts bile at at me. The respect that he had for me is shrouded in his ego, which was definitely bolstered by me agreeing to meet him.
Meeting him and his behaviour towards me could have easily shattered my confidence and self esteem, it was definitely a risk. But in actual fact what it did was reinforce that right now he’s really bad news for me. It showed me that I’m doing okay right now. Actually I think I’m doing very well. I still have pangs of sadness, I miss him terribly sometimes and I think about the affection and love I felt pretty often but I am building myself up stronger again. At the start of the year I became ill, I wasn’t working regularly and I wasn’t able to keep paying for the flat which my ex-boyfriend and I were living in.
Living back at home with my parents isn’t ideal by any means but I’ve been able to focus on things which matter to me. Exploring my interests and looking to work on my career aspirations rather than doing any job available to me, learning the guitar which I’m becoming pretty good at and writing both for therapy and for a hobby. I’m also eating better and trying to make sure I’m going to the gym a couple times a week. Other things I do for self care are colouring, reading non-fiction (girly magazines), taking time to pamper myself by painting my nails, making DIY facemasks and taking epsom salt baths.
I have 3 interviews next week, all of them for jobs which I would be happy to be offered. I’m also making it a mission to meet new people and widen my friend circle to have more people to go out for drinks, gigs and such. Having relationships and contact with people is really important to me and having a partner was special, I felt wanted. But I’m finding pursuing my own passions, exploring my interests and working on my talents is starting to fill that boyfriend shaped gap.
Some people will want to jump straight into another relationship after a breakup, grasping at straws to find that comfort and security and love again, but I’m starting to feel content with myself and my own company again and honestly I don’t want to trade that for any romantic relationship in the near future.