Baby is a synonymous term for an infant animal, including humans. It can also be a colloquial term for toddler. Inspirational funny baby quotes will challenge the way you think, change the way you live and transform your whole life.
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Famous Funny Baby Quotes
Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. – Carol Burnett
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television. – Erma Bombeck
None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that? – George Clooney
They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much. – Jimmy Fallon
Having a new baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate. – Anne Lamott
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. – Elizabeth Stone
There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. – Hodding Carter Jr.
24/7. Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer! – Jodi Picoult
A baby’s cry is precisely as serious as it sounds. – Jean Liedloff
A baby is a blank check made payable to the human race. – Barbara Christine Seifert
I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband. – Unknown
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller
Like stars are to the sky, so are the children to our world. They deserve to shine! – Chinonye J. Chidolue
Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. – Tina Brown
There are no words that can describe the euphoria you feel when your baby recognizes you for the first time and smiles. – Jared Padalecki
Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantsless when your baby walks around pantsless. – Tina Fey
I’m a walking zombie and I think I’m going to be like that for a while. – Tiffani Thiessen
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? – Milton Berle
Every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last. – Charles Dickens
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother. – Mark Twain
A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops. – Maurice Johnston
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. – Lane Olinghouse
What good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is usually best after all. – Benjamin Spock
It’s a good thing babies don’t give you a lot of time to think. You fall in love with them and when you realize how much they love you back, life is very simple. – Anita Diamant
Children have neither past nor future. They enjoy the present, which very few of us do. – Jean De La Bruyere
Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. – Olivia Wilde
You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict. – Blake Lively
I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle. – Vincent Van Gogh
All those cliches, those things you hear about having a baby and motherhood-all of them are true. And all of them are the most beautiful things you will ever experience. – Penelope Cruz
When you have a baby, sleep is not an option. You can’t sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m. – Jimmy Fallon
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld
Having my baby fall asleep in my arms takes away all of my worries and stresses. A sense of complete and total peace comes over me. – Maria Jose Ovalle
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. – Erma Bombeck
People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one. – Leo Burke
Our baby in particular is, we think, allergic to sleep. We think that she thinks that she’s protecting us from the sleep monsters. She’s like ‘Oh, I gotta keep them up or the sleep monsters will get them.’ – Ryan Reynolds
Spit up is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it. – Unknown
And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. – Nicholas Sparks
You know what the great thing about babies is? They are like little bundles of hope. Like the future in a basket. – Lish McBride
You’d be surprised how durable babies are. You hold them like they’re Fabergé eggs, and then ? wonk! ? she hits her head on the table and you think, ‘Oh my gosh, did I give her a dent on her head that’s going to be there forever?’ But babies aren’t that precious. Everyone turns out fine. Just love them and make them laugh. I make my daughter laugh every day. – Jimmy Fallon
Sleep is like the unicorn- it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any. – Dr. Seuss
When I was born I was so mad at my parents that I didn’t talk to them for two years. – Unknown
When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!’. – Bruce Lansky
Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate. – Anne Lamott
How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting? – Steve Guttenberg in Three Men and a Baby
So, I don’t breathe through my nose, I totally plug my nose, ‘Oh my god, cute baby! So cute.’ And then, I have these wipes and I wipe and I wipe – I wipe too much. At this point they’re going all over the baby, I make sure there’s nothing even around the baby. Then I put this diaper rash thing on that I also use, so I save money. – Jimmy Fallon
Babies are always more trouble than you thought – and more wonderful. – Charles Osgood
That moment when you go to check on your sleeping baby and their eyes ping open so you drop to the floor and roll out of the room like a ninja. – Unknown
Babies control and bring up their families as much as they are controlled by them; in fact, the family brings up baby by being brought up by him. – Erik H. Erikson
I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity. – Eleanor Roosevelt
Loving a baby is a circular business, a kind of feedback loop. The more you give the more you get and the more you get the more you feel like giving. – Penelope Leach
Cute Funny Baby Quotes
Don’t ever tell the mother of a newborn that her baby’s smile is just gas. – Jill Woodhull
Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse. – Nia Vardalos
You know you’re old when you you barely do anything all day but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything. – Unknown
The only things kids wear out faster than their shoes are their parents. – John J. Plomp
Welcome to parenthood, where you favorite new game will be ‘guess that bodily fluid.’ – Unknown
There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you. – Peter De Vries
A baby is a blank check made payable to the human race. – Barbara Christine Seifert
That people think they can talk to you about poop. ‘Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?”‘ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary. – Jimmy Fallon
This is a place where grandmothers hold babies on their laps under the stars and whisper in their ears that the lights in the sky are holes in the floor of heaven. – Rick Bragg
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. – Fran Lebowitz
A baby’s a full time job for three adults. Nobody tells you that when you’re pregnant, or you’d probably jump off a bridge. Nobody tells you how all-consuming it is to be a mother-how reading goes out the window and thinking too. – Erica Jong
I was on planes [and] when babies would cry, I would be mad at the families. Now I’m like, ‘Let them cry, let them do whatever they want. They can sit on me and poop if they want.’ Now I know more. – Mindy Kaling
Sleep? Yes, I have a vague recollection of what that was like. – Unknown
Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other. – Ed Howe
Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. – Marshall McLuhan
Perfection only exists in babies and pastries. – Gayle Wray
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. – Bill Cosby
Make no mistake about why these babies are here-they are here to replace us. – Jerry Seinfeld
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. – Robert Orben
At 10 months old, I had her reading foreign language books – Donde Esta Spot? was a big one. ‘Donde esta Spot?’ My voice gets deeper when I read espanol, and I don’t even speak Spanish. But she doesn’t know that. Then I read French like ‘Bonsoir, lune?’, which is ‘Goodnight Moon’ in French, and I definitely don’t know any French. But I just keep saying things as a question? ‘Bonsoir, lune? Bonsoir, balloon? Bonsoir, oatmeal? Bonsoir, tiny mouse?’ – Jimmy Fallon
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. – Franklin P. Jones
They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple. – Matthew McConaughey
Having children is like living in a frat house- nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. – Ray Romano
Babies are cutest when they’re someone else’s problem. – Unknown
A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad. – John Andrew Holmes
Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. – Jim Gaffigan
f olive oil is made from olives then what is baby oil made from?!? – Unknown
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. – Dave Barry
The first night your baby sleeps 8 hours straight, you think you’d celebrate. Instead, you will run into their room thinking ‘Oh my god, are they breathing?!’ – Unknown
Before I got married I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised moment than most people can do all day.
The amazing thing about becoming a parent is that you will never again be your own first priority. – Olivia Wilde
A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on. – Carl Sandburg
When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!’ – Bruce Lansky
My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played. – Unknown
Congrats…you’ll soon live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself. – Unknown
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. – Robert Orben
Parenthood: the scariest hood you’ll ever go through. – Unknown
No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant. – Amy Leslie
Flowers are words which even a baby can understand. – Arthur C. Coxe
It was the tiniest thing I ever decided to put my whole life into. – Terri Guillemets
A baby is born with a need to be loved-and never outgrows it. – Frank A. Clark
Children make you want to start life over. – Muhammad Ali
I [Facetime] sometimes from home. I’m just in the other room going, ‘Yeah, daddy misses you, but gotta watch the game. – Jimmy Fallon
Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. – Tina Fey
A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house. – Milwaukee Journal
A crying baby is the best form of birth control. – Carole Tabron
My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid’ll take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time. – Karen Brown
I want to teach them everything I’ve ever learned. I’m going to teach them what a vinyl record is, and I can’t wait for them to eat their first meatballs. I look forward to vacations and family time. I’m going to be that nerdy dad, like, ‘Okay kids, let’s back up the RV, and here we go!’ They’ll be like, ‘Dad, leave us alone. You’re such a nerd.’ – Jimmy Fallon
A mother’s arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them. – Victor Hugo
A happy baby has shining eyes. It walks open-hearted into the world and spreads magic. – Sigrid Leo
A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. – Eda J. Le Shan
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. – Ray Romano
Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us? – Alyson Hannigan
Hilarious Baby Quotes
90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again. – Unknown
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. – Erma Bombeck
Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents. – Shannon Fife
If parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly say ‘recalculating.’ – Simon Cholland
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit. They hold the baby and I go out. – Unknown
Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too. – Lionel Kauffman
Children bring us a piece of heaven on earth. – Roland Leonhardt
And she loved a little boy very, very much, even more than she loved herself – Shel Silverstein
Little boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older. – J.M. Barrie
A baby boy has a special way of bringing out the man in his father and the little boy in his grandfather. – Tanya Masse
If I have a monument in this world, it is my son. – Maya Angelou
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. – Mark Twain
Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first. – Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
I didn’t know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child. – Loretta Lynn
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. – Ambrose Bierce
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That’s what little girls are made of. – Bethany Hamilton
Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful. – Charles Osgood
Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life! – Stephen Wright
If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma. – Theresa Bloomingdale
As the father of two young girls, I have come to the realization that they are just as messy as boys but the dirt that they create around the house is comprised of at least 50% glitter. – Andrew K. Keller
Having a baby is one of the most wonderful things in your life, as well as the hardest thing in your life. – Nuno Bettencourt
Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. – Marcelene Cox
Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park that is. – Unknown
When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned. – Marie Osmond
A tiny daughter gives parents a life in a climate of perpetual wonder. – Pierre Doucet
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart
The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing. – Kin Hubbard
If you want to know what it’s like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid. – Jim Gaffigan
You know, it’s incredible. When you first get them, you’re all excited, and you’re, like, ready to do all these things. And then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet… but it looks really cute. – Ashton Kutcher
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. – Chinese Proverb
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother. – Mark Twain
Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home. – Bill Cosby
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. – Fran Lebowitz
A baby is a wishing well. Everyone puts their hopes, their fears, their pasts, their two cents in. – Elizabeth Bard
You will always be your child’s favorite toy. – Vicki Lansky
I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement. – Tina Fey
Babies are such a nice way to start people. – Don Herold
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. – Ed Asner
Children are completely egoistic; they feel their needs intensely and strive ruthlessly to satisfy them. – Sigmund Freud
When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit. – Johnny Depp
Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life.” ~ Yiddish proverb
The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants. – Johnny Depp
There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age. – Dr. Benjamin Spock
A parent is someone who carries pictures where their money used to be. – Unknown
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised moment than most people can do all day. – Unknown
Children are our most valuable natural resource. – Herbert Hoover
Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. – Harry S Truman
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. – Robert Orben
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place. – George Carlin
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain’t spitting it out. – Justin Halpern
Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life! – Stephen Wright
