87+ Best Funny Christmas Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Christmas is the period just before and after 25 December, a Christian holy day that celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Inspirational funny christmas quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.

If you’re searching for really funny quotes and greatest funny work quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of popular sarcastic quotes, top funny movie quotes and best funny motivational quotes.

Famous Funny Christmas Quotes

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. – Bernard Manning

At Christmas, play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year. – Thomas Tusser

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. – Andy Borowitz

Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks. – Anonymous

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. – Author Unknown

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. – Dave Barry

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

funny christmas quotes

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. – Phyllis Diller

Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task. – Harry in Love Actually

That’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me. – Jerry Seinfeld

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge. – Melanie White

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly. – Andy RooneyChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. – Dave Barry

Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas. – Author Unknown

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day – the birth of Santa? – Matt Groening

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases. – Bridger Winegar

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. – Larry Wilde

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. – Joan Rivers

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. – Winston Spear

Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear. – Author Unknown

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly. – Andy Rooney

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones. – Guy Endore Kaiser

Nothing says holiday like a cheese log. – Ellen DeGeneres

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm and we all go through it together. – Garrison Keillor

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required. – John Leo

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. – Gary Allan

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. – Kin Hubbard

Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal. – Lenore Hershey

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money. – Author Unknown

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. – Anonymous

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money. – Author Unknown

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. – Dave Barry

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. – Garrison Keillor

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red. – Anonymous

Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp. – Melanie White

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases. – Bridger Winegar

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present. – Don Marquis

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. – Johnny Carson

I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough. – Bridger Winegar

Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth! – Anonymous

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. – Larry Wilde

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. – Erma Bombeck

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. – Dave Barry

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt. – Dave Barry

Mail your packages early, so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. – Johnny Carson

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. – Henny Youngman

Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas. – Stephen Graham Jones

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. – Anonymous

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. – Jerry Seinfeld

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal. – Lenore Hershey

Christmas Eve, a perfect night to express affection for your family, to forgive those who failed you, and to forget past mistakes. – Unknown

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. – Bernard Manning

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. – Burton Hillis

From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other. – Emily Matthews

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’. – Robert Paul

For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway! – Anne Bristow

My husband bought fruitcake one year. He ate some of it, but I wrapped the rest and gave it back to him for Christmas. The next year, I found it amongst my presents from him. It developed from there. – Rikki Rosenberg

Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words. – Harlan Miller

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. – Dennis Miller

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. – Richard Lamm

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. – Dave Barry

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa? – Matt Groening

It’s not what’s under the Christmas tree that matters, it’s who is around it. – Anonymous

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December. – Louis C.K.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. – Andy Borowitz

Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money? – Tom Armstrong

Christmas Prayer: Guardian angel pure and bright, please lead Santa here tonight. – Unknown

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. – Robert Staughton Lynd

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking. – Earthman Adam

Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer. – Catherine Tate

Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever. – Richelle Goodrich

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional. – Robert Godden

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking? – Arlo Guthrie

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want–and their kids pay for it. – Richard Lamm

Christmas magic is silent. You don’t hear it – You feel it. You know it. You believe it. – Kevin Alan Milne

Christmas isn’t about candy canes or lights all aglow, it’s the hearts that we touch, and the care that we show. – Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. – Jay Leno

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. – Tom Sims

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. – Erma Bombeck

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. – Joan Rivers

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. – Henny Youngman

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