45+ Best Funny Christmas Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Christmas is the period just before and after 25 December, a Christian holy day that celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Inspirational funny christmas quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.

If you’re searching for really funny quotes and greatest funny work quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of popular sarcastic quotes, top funny movie quotes and best funny motivational quotes.

Famous Funny Christmas Quotes

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’ David Letterman

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. Andy Borowitz

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. Gary Allan

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Maya Angelou

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge. Melanie White

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? Conan O’Brien

Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state. Samantha Bee

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry

funny christmas quotes

Best Funny Christmas Quotes

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.- Milton Berle

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. Robert Staughton Lynd

Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family. Charles M. Schulz

I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas. Frank Butler

We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks. Bill McKibben

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases. Bridger Winegar

It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket. Craig Ferguson

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. Winston Spear

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. Henny Youngman

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional. Robert Godden

Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. Stephen Fry

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones. Guy Endore Kaiser

The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. Andy Borowitz

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in. Leslie ‘Les’ Dawson, Jr.

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’ John Leo

popular funny christmas quotes

Inspirational Funny Christmas Quotes

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. Kin Hubbard

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. Winston Spear

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. Bob Phillips

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘toys not included.’ Bernard Manning

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present. Don Marquis

It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be. Bill Murray

I hate the radio this time of year because they play All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough. Bridger Winegar

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. Erma Bombeck

best funny christmas quotes

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. Garrison Keillor

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. Bart Simpson

You can’t fool me-there ain’t no Sanity Clause! Chico Marx

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. Ellen Degeneres

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. Jerry Seinfeld

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno

I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them! Taylor Swift

Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal. Lenore Hershey

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. Larry Wilde

I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter. Eloisa James

For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway! Anne Bristow

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa? Matt Groening

top funny christmas quotes
  • In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ Dave Barry
  • Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases. Bridger Winegar
  • Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? Bill Watterson
  • Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.Bridger Winegar
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