47+ Best Funny Dad Quotes: Exclusive Selection

A father is the male parent of a child. Inspirational funny dad quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for amusing quotes and funniest work quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny romantic quotes, hilarious teacher quotes and funniest summer quotes.

Famous Funny Dad Quotes

My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. – Spike Milligan

I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask. – Will Arnett

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. – Jerry Seinfeld

The worst thing that can happen to a man is his wife comes home and he has lost the child. “How did everything go?” “Great, we’re playing hide and seek and he’s winning.” – Sinbad

Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone’. – Chris Rock

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope. – Bill Cosby

funny dad quotes

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years. – Ernest Hemingway

When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape. – Dave Attell

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. – Rita Rudner

There should be a children’s song, if you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep. – Jim Gaffigan

My daughter got me a World’s Best Dad mug. So we know she’s sarcastic. – Bob Odenkirk

My wife just let me know I’m about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids. – Brian Kiley

My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1. – Connie Schultz

funniest dad quotes

Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes. – Chris Martin

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really. – Dave Barry

I’m so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. – Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my dad for a BB gun, but he said we were a tribe of worriers, not warriors. – Hilary Price

Lately all my friends are worried that they’re turning into their fathers. I’m worried that I’m not. – Dan Zevin

I love my dad because even though he has Alzheimer’s, he remembers the important things. He can’t remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him. – Thyra Lees-Smith

My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage. – Glenn Super

I gave my father $100 and said, Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother. – Rita Rudner

Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always work. – Shahrukh Khan

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. – Jack Handey

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. – Bob Monkhouse

I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war. – George W. Bush

I know that if my mom fell and screamed for help, my dad would jump right up to rescue her as soon as it was halftime. – Bruce Cameron

hilarious dad quotes

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows. – Al Unser

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons

My dad used to say, always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade. – Harry Hill

Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents. – Margaret Mead

I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. – Eugene Mirman

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart

My daughter got me a World’s Best Dad mug. So we know she’s sarcastic. – Bob Odenkirk

I love my dad, because even though he has Alzheimer’s, he remembers the important things. He can’t remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him. – Thyra Lees-Smith

If you ever want to torture my dad, tie him up and right in front of him, refold a map incorrectly. – Cathy Ladman

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. – Ray Romano

My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people. – Dominic Dierkes

My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football, and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage. – Glenn Super

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. – Mark Twain

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. – Jim Gaffigan

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’ – Jerry Lewis

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’ – Bill Hicks

My dad asked me, “Son, have I been a good father?” I said, “Dad, you’re the best. Why do you ask?” He said, “I wanted to make sure the way you turned out is your fault.” – Stu Trivax

Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always works. – Shahrukh Khan

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. – Jack Handey

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