70+ Best Funny Dad Quotes: Exclusive Selection

A father is the male parent of a child. Inspirational funny dad quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for amusing quotes and funniest work quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny romantic quotes, hilarious teacher quotes and funniest summer quotes.

Famous Funny Dad Quotes

I mean, everything can be a great moment as a dad, especially when I’m gone as much as I am. I work a lot so, man, those weekends at home with [my son] are the greatest. I took him on a zombie cruise last year which was fun. And all he wanted to do was get zombie makeup put on. And so he he looked in the mirror at the reflection and he fainted! We probably won’t do realistic zombie makeup again for a little while, but it was a heck of an experience and we still giggle about it. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

I would define the new aspects of fatherhood like this: It is 75% amazing and 25% demoralizing. I think any new parent can understand exactly what I’m talking about. Daniel Bryan

Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee. David Frost

He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive. Jason Sudeikis

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get. Tim Russert

It’s a very LSD-trip phase of my life. My daughter is obsessed with Peppa Pig. This is my life. There’s three women who voice the character of Peppa Pig. And she’s a pig. Hello? And I’m so deep down into that crevasse right now that I have opinions on which actress is the best Peppa. Alec Baldwin

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets. Greg Kinnear

When I was eight years old, I was called into the principal’s office and my father was looking very solemn. And he said, ‘We gotta go, it’s Grandma.’ We got in the car and I said, ‘What’s wrong with Grandma?’ And he said, ‘Nothing, we’re going to the movies.’ Sam Rockwell

I do like a proper hug and snuggle but it’s tough getting it from the kids. You can get it when they first wake up and they’re disoriented; then it’s a possibility. But other than that, they’re always moving, they’re dipping, they’re slipping, they’re embarrassed, and running away. Mark Wahlberg

My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. Harry Hill

I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest—it’s my favorite. This one was a result of a long night of drinking. This one came out darker than I expected.’ And so on. Keith Alberstadt

Men should always change diapers. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes. Chris Martin

When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry. Kevin Hart

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. Jerry Seinfeld

I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet. Dax Shephard

Being a parent involves an unnecessary amount of fake enthusiasm around little kids’ poo being in a toilet. Jim Gaffigan

A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it. Frank A. Clark

funny dad quotes

You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby. Jim Gaffigan

A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad. John Andrew Holmes

I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father. Especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. Eugene Mirman

I thought I’d never be that annoying person [who shares pictures of his kids], but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver. Jimmy Fallon

I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you.’ And the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby. Ryan Reynolds

I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At 2 years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane, it’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’ Ryan Reynolds

When humans started to call me ‘Dad.’ That’s the word that gets me. Because you’re famous to a billion people, but only three people call you ‘Dad.’ Dana Carvey

A 2-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have the top for it. Jerry Seinfeld

It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care. Seth Meyers

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. Spike Milligan

My daughter, Hannah, my 7-year-old, lost her first tooth and the tooth fairy came. And then the next day we were taking a video, ‘Hey Hannah, the tooth fairy came, oh my gosh,’ and our 4-year-old—I panned down to her, ‘Hey Harper, the tooth fairy came!’ And she goes, ‘Someone was in our house?’ And I go, ‘The tooth fairy was in our house,’ and she’s like, ‘Someone was in my room? While I was sleeping? And you guys are cool with this.’ Bill Hader

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you. Jerry Lewis

The worst part about being a parents is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool. Rob Delaney

funniest dad quotes

Amazing Funny Dad Quotes

You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet. Neil Patrick Harris

There’s no real class. They don’t check to make sure you’re prepared. I had to go through more training to drive the car home [from the hospital] than I did to have a baby for the rest of my life. Colin Hanks

Everybody thinks their dad’s jokes are corny.  I don’t get a free pass on that. In fact, [my daughter] said to me once, ‘Most of your stuff isn’t funny at all. But I’m always surprised you make it work.’ I thought that was a pretty sophisticated way of attacking me. Judd Apatow

The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents — because they have a tame child-creature in their house.” –Frank Zappa

Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare. Ed Asner

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Jon Stewart

I feel like you don’t realize what it means to be a parent until you become a parent of your own. Then you feel this tremendous guilt and have this urge to apologize to your father. You just don’t realize what you’re doing to your parents in every aspect of life. Max Greenfield

Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’ Jim Gaffigan

I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids. Andy Richter

You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing. Robin Williams

We see a McDonald’s. We got so excited. We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!’ And my dad pulled into the drive thru and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself… and kept driving. My dad is cold-blooded. John Mulaney

My daughter is going to be forced to go out into the ruins and be a slave to Thundra, The Spear Mistress and she’ll resent me the whole time. She’ll be like, ‘Oh, thanks a lot, Dad. What amazing life safety skills you taught me: Scooter riding and Blade Runner trivia? Thanks.’ Patton Oswalt

If anyone else [deprived you of this much sleep], you’d have them up at The Hague for war crimes. Tom Hardy

You can’t spell ‘parentry’ without ‘try.’ Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out. Stephen Colbert

12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time. Lin-Manuel Miranda

I was told that I needed to check her temperature through the rectum. I was like, ‘No. Can’t be.’ There’s a mouth, there’s an armpit, there’s got to be something [else] … The doctor was like, ‘No, no, no, just have one of you guys distract her, and the other one do it. She’ll be fine’ … It all went well though. I didn’t lose it. It came back out. Ryan Reynolds

hilarious dad quotes

Top Funny Dad Quotes

Kids are creepy. What happens if I wake up in the middle of the night, look over and my child is standing in the doorway? Do I run? Which direction do I run? Towards it? Away from it? Jordan Peele

My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I’m home. He’s like, ‘You’re really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer.’ I’m like, ‘You’re so bad at computers, you should be a caveman.’ Mike Birbiglia

When you’re young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape. Dave Attell

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain

My wife and I don’t understand couples where the woman is pregnant and they don’t want to know the sex of the baby. ‘Oh, we want it to be a surprise.’ It’s a surprise when they show you the ultrasound! I mean you have caller ID but don’t want to know what’s popping out of your vagina? Andrew Ginsburg

My daughter said, ‘Why are you yelling at us?’ and I said, ‘I’m trying to discipline you!’ And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, ‘This is how you teach children, by making them cry.’ And it was such a clenching reminder — she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too. Stephen Colbert

My daddy? He was somewhere between God and John Wayne. Hank Williams, Jr.

I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance. Tim McGraw

For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need. Will Ferrell

A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. At 3 a.m. it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking. Matt Coyne

I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, Oh my god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship; it’s a Costco, dad. Judd Apatow

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons

My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic. Bob Odenkirk

Kids are hilarious. They say the darndest things, but that’s just because they don’t know what they’re saying and that just makes much more funniness happen. Kenan Thompson

Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders. Ken Jennings

How come my 3-year-old son can remember every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my own phone number? Taye Diggs

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. Ray Romano

He tells me to park around the corner, and then he gets out and he walks to school. So he did it to me the other day, after doing it about five times on the trot. So I’m driving around, and he’s just walking in his school, and I open the window said, ‘Brooklyn! I love you!’ And, you know, obviously it didn’t go down very well. David Beckham

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. Conan O’Brien

On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom. Ryan Reynolds

Everybody usually wants to be famous so they can rock nice jewelry and all that. Man, I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit. Dave Chappell

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. Steve Martin

If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them. Mark Ruffalo

In the ‘looks of disappointment’ department, my cat has picked up where my father left off. Tom Papa

The doctor asked about a name and I don’t know why I said it [but] I looked at the doctor and I said, ‘We’re going to call her Beyoncé.’ My wife did not think that was funny. Then a nurse went to the other side of the room and started filling out a form with the name Beyoncé and I had to go over to her and go, ‘Uh, excuse me, there is only one Beyoncé.’ James Cordon

There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let dad sleep.’ Jim Gaffigan

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield

When your wife is pregnant and you’re expecting, everyone is like, ‘It’s incredible. Get ready, it’s magic. It’s the most life-changing experience you’ll ever have. Brace yourself for heaven.’ And then the second the baby comes everyone is like, ‘WELCOME TO HELL.’ Andy Samberg

Share via
Copy link
Powered by Social Snap