92+ Best Funny Drinking Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Heavy drinkers are more impulsive than light drinkers and, consequently, use more alcohol. Inspirational funny drinking quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for funniest quotes ever and funniest work quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny dog quotes, hilarious divorce quotes and funniest dance quotes.

Famous Funny Drinking Quotes

War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy. – William Faulkner

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others. – Raymond Chandler

I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host. – Dorothy Parker

I know I should give up drinking; but I am not a quitter – Anon

funny drinking quotes

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

A man is a fool is he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward. – Frank Lloyd Wright

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W.C Fields

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. – Jack Handy

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? – Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. – William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. – Henry Lawson

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. – Joe E Ellis

Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable. – G.K. Chesterton

One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough. – Edward Burke

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield

One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough. – James Thurber

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Dean Martin

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. – Kinky Friedman

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don’t drink too much. Then again, don’t drink too little. – Herman Smith-Johannsen

I work until beer o’clock. – Stephen King

Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. – Joan Collins

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. – George Best

Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Kaiser Wilhelm

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. – Frank Sinatra

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. – Brendan Behan

I have made an important discovery… that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. – Oscar Wilde

I don’t have a drinking problem ‘Cept when I can’t get a drink. – Tom Waits

Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria. – Benjamin Franklin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan

There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne. – Bette Davis

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. – Ogden Nash

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. – William Butler Yeats

There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne. – Bette Davis

The best research for playing a drunk is being a British actor for 20 years. – Michael Caine

Dear Alcohol, we had a deal, you were going to make me funnier, sexier, more intelligent and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk. – Unknown

I used to think drinking was bad for me… So I gave up thinking. – Unknown

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. – Tom Waits

I would date you, but my heart already belongs to Jack Daniels. – Unknown

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver. – Unknown

You look like I need another drink. – Unknown

I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. – Ava Gardner

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies. – William Temple

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. – Oscar Wilde

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy that all the books in the world. – Louis Pasteur

Better belly burst than good liquor be lost. – Jonathan Swift

I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. – Joe E. Lewis

Alcohol does not solve problems, but then again, neither does milk. – Unknown

I drink to make other people more interesting. – Ernest Hemingway

Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. – W.C. Fields

There are more old drunkards than old physicians. – Bernard Shaw

If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton, this way my friends will know I am missing. – Unknown

You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning. – Unknown

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, That’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. – Frank Sinatra

He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato

Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. – Pope John XXIII

Why do I drink Champagne for breakfast? Doesn’t everyone? – Noel Coward

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. – W.C. Fields

Either give me more wine or leave me alone. – Rumi

I would give up drinking, but I am not a quitter. – Unknown

I realize I may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I’d rather be someone’s shot of Tequila anyway. – Unknown

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemingway

I try to convince myself that it’s the alcohol talking. But alcohol can’t talk. It just sits there. It can’t even get itself out of the bottle. – David Levithan

I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not – Coco Chanel

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. – Dave Barry

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought. – Samuel Johnson

A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk. – Charlie Chaplin

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication. – Lord Byron

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. – Lady Nancy Astor

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. – Steve Martin

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time – Catherine Zandonell

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. – Steve Fergosi

People who drink light ‘beer’ don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. – Capital Brewery

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Winston Churchill

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. – Francois Rabelais

Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow. – John Fletcher

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Dean Martin

I am a drinker with writing problems. – Brendan Behan

He that drinks fast, pays slow. – Benjamin Franklin

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. – John Churchill

Good people drink good beer. – Hunter S. Thompson

We drink and we die and continue to drink. – Dennis Leary

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? – Steven Wright

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.