100+ Best Funny Husband Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Profoundly inspirational funny husband quotes will fire up your brain and encourage you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for extremely funny quotes and funniest thanksgiving quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny music quotes, hilarious sibling quotes and funniest single quotes.

Famous Funny Husband Quotes

If any difference should be made by law between husband and wife, reason, justice and humanity, if their voices were heard, would dictate that it should be in her favor. — Ernestine Rose

I am a big popcorn fanatic. I love popcorn. In fact one year for my birthday, my husband bought me one of those big popcorn machines like they have in movie theaters. — Debbie Macomber

In some instances, alimony has become akin to a social-welfare program provided by working women to their ex-husbands. — Diane Garnick

What I love about my husband is that he really allows me to be the best person I can. — Georgina Chapman

funny husband quotes

I work a lot of hours, and in this business you really try to keep as busy as you possibly can. Sometimes when you really focus on kids in your free time you lose the husband and wife relationship to some degree. It’s been a real focus for us to make sure we stay focused on us two. — Cameron Mathison

Harpo, she’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. — Oscar Levant

My mom taught me the power of love. I learned to focus on the long-term big picture from my father. His sense of humor and light-hearted approach always make me smile. My husband is a pivotal anchor in my life. His influence encourages me to be independent and take risks. — Padmasree Warrior

Being a father to my family and a husband is to me much more important than what I did in the business. — Tom Bosley

One day it was about getting married that mother talked with me, and I said I was so glad that when you didn’t like being married, or got tired of your husband, you could get Unmarried. — Eleanor Porter

I am just your everyday, average girl. I live by the beach. I wear flip flops. I don’t wear make-up. I go to the gym. My husband and I are just really laid back people. — A. J. Cook

Ages of experience have taught humanity that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. — Jack Kingston

My husband was in the war of the Crimea. It is terrible the hardships he went through‚ to be two months without going into a house‚ under the snow in trenches. And no food to get‚ maybe a biscuit in the day. And there was enough food there‚ he said‚ to feed all Ireland; but bad management‚ they could not get it. — Lady Gregory

One of my most vivid memories of the mid-1950s is of crying into a washbasin full of soapy grey baby clothes – there were no washing machines – while my handsome and adored husband was off playing football in the park on Sunday morning with all the delightful young men who had been friends to both of us at Cambridge three years earlier. — Claire Tomalin

The first book I wrote was The Bride Price which was a romantic book, but my husband burnt the book when he saw it. I was the typical African woman, I’d done this privately, I wanted him to look at it, approve it and he said he wouldn’t read it. — Buchi Emecheta

When my husband died in 2006, I didnt want to be Mitzi Gaynor anymore. — Mitzi Gaynor

A woman’s place in public is to sit beside her husband, be silent, and be sure her hat is on straight. — Bess Truman

A woman asking ‘Am I good? Am I satisfied?’ is extremely selfish. The less women fuss about themselves, the less they talk to other women, the more they try to please their husbands, the happier the marriage is going to be. — Barbara Cartland

When we believe in our thoughts, when we tell ourselves a story, we suffer. ‘My husband doesn’t respect me.’ ‘I should be thinner.’ Those are stories. When there’s no story, there’s no suffering. — Byron Katie

The four of us enjoyed a most wonderful family atmosphere filled with love and reciprocal devotion. Both parents were highly cultured and instilled in us their high appreciation of intellectual pursuit. It was, however, a typical Victorian style of life, all decisions being taken by the head of the family, the husband and father. — Rita Levi-Montalcini

I have lots of shoes, but I have to be comfortable. Lately, I’ve stolen my husband’s big, ugly Uggs to wear around the kitchen. I want to have them on, then slide into a fabulous heel later. Truth is, I often forget the heel. — Debi Mazar

When you are not missing something, longing for something, you don’t really think about it that much. It’s like that girlfriend you don’t want to have anymore. You don’t think about her anymore. Or ex-husband. You just don’t. — Danica Patrick

I’m being a dad and a good husband. — Chad Smith

We should all aspire in life to do a multitude of things well – to be a great father, to be a good husband, to be a good lover, you know, to try to do things the best you can is very important to me. — Matthew Modine

I think women are natural caretakers. They take care of everybody. They take care of their husbands and their kids and their dogs, and don’t spend a lot of time just getting back and taking time out. — Reese Witherspoon

When you work on your own life, you are less likely to hyper focus on the imperfections of your husband. — Martha Quinn

The husband and wife are one, and that one is the husband. — William Blackstone

I look at my father. He is one of my heroes. He is such an incredible, classy man. He was such a great father and such a great husband in so many ways, and we lived through some pretty tough times losing my mom. When I see all that he did, I think, Wow, thats a really wonderful man. — Emmanuelle Chriqui

My husband has some very interesting hobbies, and through him, I’ve learned to fly and earned my pilot’s license. Together, we fly all over the United States. Since our children are all grown now, we also travel a great deal in Europe, but we take commercial flights because our plane is not really equipped to make transatlantic flights. — Betsy Byars

Women’s courage is rather different from men’s. The fact that women have to bring up children and look after husbands makes them braver at facing long-term issues, such as illness. Men are more immediately courageous. Lots of people are brave in battle. — Mary Wesley

If you were out of a job and your kid needed diapers and your husband just left you, you would be so confused. — Barbara Steele

A real man loves his wife, and places his family as the most important thing in life. Nothing has brought me more peace and content in life than simply being a good husband and father. — Frank Abagnale

I really enjoy doing sitcom television. It allows me to stay in Los Angeles and spend more time with my husband and kids. — Nancy Travis

My husband and I have known each other since kindergarten. I had a crush on him in school, but we never dated. Then we saw each other again after high school, and there was something instantly familiar about him. I’m a very shy person and was very closed off. But he allowed me to be myself. And there’s a safety in that. — Alison Sweeney

My dad was my best friend and greatest role model. He was an amazing dad, coach, mentor, soldier, husband and friend. — Tiger Woods

I have a wonderful husband, and we have had a great life. — Natalie Babbitt

The funny thing is that my husband couldn’t be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He’s got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he’s around you, he’s such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. — Malin Akerman

My husband and I have, in some ways, a non-traditional relationship – especially when it comes to domestic duties. He does most of the cooking, dishes, and laundry, while I do most of the yard work. I love to mow the lawn! And I take great satisfaction in planting and pruning. — Therese Fowler

Blythe Danner is somebody whose career I admire. She’s a great actress and does good work, but also has a life of her own. I love my job but, at the end of the day, I want to come home and watch a movie and drink a bottle of wine with my husband. — Anna Faris

I’d really like to show women my age – who’ve had children grow up or lost husbands or retired after working all their lives – that there are options. There are choices. We don’t have to just sit around and be invisible. — Katherine Helmond

I love my husband very much. I knew it was real true love because I felt like I could be myself around that person. Your true, true innermost authentic self, the stuff you don’t let anyone else see, if you can be that way with that person, I think that that’s real love. — Idina Menzel

I love to travel the world. My husband and I always travel and everywhere we go I’ve been to Italy, of course London, Ireland, and you just receive so much love. — Tamera Mowry

Children are supposed to help hold a marriage together. They do this in a number of ways. For instance, they demand so much attention that a husband and wife, concentrating on their children, fail to notice each other’s faults. — Richard Armour

My husband is actually the nicest guy in the world. He’s my sweetheart and best friend, and one of the things I love best about him is that no matter how terrible I look – and believe me, it can get bad – he makes me feel pretty. — Gena Showalter

Listen to the lyrics – we’re singing about everyday life: rich people trying to keep money, poor people tying to get it, and everyone having trouble with their husband or wife! — Buddy Guy

Two young doctors – one from Harvard and the other from Dartmouth – invited me to go to Mecca in my husband’s stead. And that is what helped put me back on track. — Betty Shabazz

The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted. — Olivia Williams

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong. Every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up. — Minnie Pearl

I’m just a husband waltzing in the background. — Bruce Greenwood

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kid’s therapy. — Michelle Pfeiffer

I have a fantastic husband. Here’s the honeymoon part: I still think he’s the funniest, wittiest, most clever man I’ve ever known. — Sarah Jessica Parker

I have no wish for a second husband. I had enough of the first. I like to have my own way to lie down mistress, and get up master. — Susanna Moodie

My husband is pretty particular about his cars. In his opinion, the Mercedes are the best of the best. — Lauren Lee Smith

In a happy marriage it is the wife who provides the climate, the husband the landscape. — Gerald Brenan

Perfect happiness would be knowing that all my family and friends were happy and safe. Then I’d go to a tropical island with my husband where it was gorgeous and fun all day long and interesting and fun all evening. Good food and dancing would be nice, too, and weekly visits from those safe and happy family and friends. Plus world peace. — Suzanne Weyn

I’m a married woman. I love my husband; I have a good life. — Gennifer Flowers

Just as men must give up economic control when their wives share the responsibility for the family’s financial well-being, women must give up exclusive parental control when their husbands assume more responsibility for child care. — Augustus

You may have even an ex-wife or an ex-husband, but you can never have ex-children. — George Foreman

I am excited to rise today to support National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day. This celebration honors the husband and wife business owner teams whose work helps drive the economy and fuel job growth. — Melissa Bean

There is no job description for the first lady and she’s only there because her husband got elected president. — Nancy Reagan

I’m very lucky that my husband is a true partner in child-rearing. If I get home late, he gets home early or vice-versa. I travel more, and he’s able to spell me when I’m gone. — Bonnie Hammer

My husband and I went to Bald Head Island for our four-year anniversary. We spent the night in bed with champagne, tequila and Krispy Kreme doughnuts and watched a boxing match on Showtime. — Teri Polo

Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. — Pat Robertson

Today in Saudi, women are either at the mercy of their husbands or at the mercy of judges who tend to side with the husbands. The only circumstance that a woman can ask for a divorce or a khali is when her husband is in total agreement with her or if she comes from a very powerful family who decide to back her up. — Basmah bint Saud

Most African women are taught to endure abusive marriages. They say endurance means a good wife but most women endure abusive relationship because they are not empowered economically; they depend on their husbands. — Joyce Banda

In terms of my marriage, you know, falling in love with my husband was by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. — Caroline Kennedy

Pilot season after pilot season, I read the same part: the wife who rolls her eyes at her somewhat immature husband that she still loves. Literally. — Beth Littleford

I was spending a lot of time in Mumbai after I met my husband, who is Indian, and while parts of the city were prospering like crazy, I couldn’t quite make out how the new wealth had changed the prospects of the majority of city residents who lived in slums. So after a few years I stopped wondering and started reporting. — Katherine Boo

If there’s no inner peace, people can’t give it to you. The husband can’t give it to you. Your children can’t give it to you. You have to give it to you. — Linda Evans

I love England though; I’ve been back a few times and just love it. My favorite thing to do there is going to museums and all the castles. Oh, and my husband and I went mountain biking across England on our honeymoon! — Catherine Bell

I save her marked-up manuscripts as an unluckier husband might save love letters. — Will Allison

My ideal meal varies, depending on the time of year. Lobster on a deck overlooking a beach at sunset is one – but all my kids have to be there, because they are all lobster-lovers. Making a bolognese sauce over pappardelle for my husband on a winter evening, because he loves my bolognese sauce and it’s his comfort food. — Amy Bloom

The last time I saw Ted Kennedy was a generation after my first meeting, at the Senate subway below the Capitol on Obama’s Inauguration Day. He was his usual gregarious and gracious self – with beaming smile and booming voice wishing my husband and me good luck with our pregnancy and expressing his excitement about the new president. — Christine Pelosi

Our past is who we are, and death is one of our experiences. I lost my husband a long time ago, but it’s always yesterday. — Talia Shire

The Lord has been there from wanting to be a momma, to having a wonderful childhood life and dreaming of having a good motherhood as a child; always wanting to meet a good old country boy and having someone to love as much as I love my husband Roland and having a little boy that is a mixture of the both of us. — Ashton Shepherd

I have only one real hobby – my husband. — Florence Harding

I love my hockey, but if you can do that and go home and just be a dad and husband, then you have the best of both worlds. — Curtis Joseph

Somewhere deep down there’s a decent man in me, he just can’t be found. — Eminem

I have an amazing husband who is a strong man of God. He is very dedicated to me and our family. — Kim Fields

Women may give lip service to wanting husbands who take on an equal role in raising children, but many will pull rank when an important decision, like how to discipline or what baby sitter to hire, has to be made. — Pepper Schwartz

It was in August or September of 1995 that I met Diana, Princess of Wales. Diana and I met through Oonagh Toffolo, whose husband was recovering from heart surgery at the Royal Brompton. At the time, I was working for Professor Yacoub, the heart surgeon, and Mr. Toffolo was one of his patients, so I was involved in his medical treatment and care. — Hasnat Khan

A good wife is someone who thinks she has done everything right: raising the kids, being there for the husband, being home, trying to do it all. — Julianna Margulies

We have a shotgun we inherited from my father-in-law, a paranoid Englishman living in Texas. I have a .22 Marlin rifle, similar to the one Annie Oakley had, and my husband has a .357 Magnum pistol. All those are locked up tight, of course. We have a couple of pellet guns that get more use than the real guns. — Bonnie Jo Campbell

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced. — Elinor Glyn

I know one husband and wife who, whatever the official reasons given to the court for the break up of their marriage, were really divorced because the husband believed that nobody ought to read while he was talking and the wife that nobody ought to talk while she was reading. — Vera Brittain

My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, ‘What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly. — Beverly Johnson

How many wives have been forced by the death of well-intentioned but too protective husbands to face reality late in life, bewildered and frightened because they were strangers to it! — Hortense Odlum

But I like to be thought of as a good father and a good husband. — Treat Williams

It only took one text message to change my life. That’s when I discovered my loving husband had been unfaithful. His infidelities ended our marriage. — Garcelle Beauvais

My husband is very proud of me and what I do. Which I think is really sweet. — Nicola Cornick

My husband is my part of my greatest joys, so it doesn’t feel like work or like I’m balancing anything. My husband and my kids absolutely come first, so work is just something where I figure out where it will fit. — Monica Denise Brown

I couldn’t stand that my husband was being unfaithful. I am Raquel Welch – understand? — Raquel Welch

There’s nothing like the first kiss once you’ve been pronounced husband and wife. It’s such a wonderful moment! — Sara Ramirez

I have an incredibly supportive husband and family and an incredibly well-adjusted daughter. — Bree Turner

I’m the fussiest eater on earth; my husband despairs. I like chicken and pasta, and can’t resist milk chocolate. I figure if you’re going to do something naughty, make it really enjoyable. — Bonnie Langford

I created the Women’s Federation for World Peace in order to restore all that woman originally lost. You American women don’t need a man in the position of grandfather, parents, husband, elder or younger brother. You only need the true Adam. — Sun Myung Moon

For a decade, I was a stay-at-home mom. I sent my husband to his law office, sat on PTA boards and baked cookies – great cookies. All of a sudden, I had no husband, no job, few prospects, and two small children who had grown accustomed to eating. — Gayle Lynds

If my writing comes to a halt, I head to the shops: I find them very inspirational. And if I get into real trouble with my plot, I go out for a pizza with my husband. — Sophie Kinsella

Feeling good about yourself and your life is very important. I’m a happy woman, happy with my husband, my daughters, my grandchildren. We all get along quite well, and that keeps me centered. — Carolina Herrera

One of the greatest threats to your husband’s position of priority would be if you were to earnestly pursue a career… If you finally reach a pinnacle of success, you would overshadow him and make him feel unimportant. — Helen Andelin

Of all the movies I’ve done in my life, the one where I play a crazy awful psycho woman finds me my husband. — Bridgette Wilson

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.