Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally recognised union between people, called spouses, that establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. Inspirational funny marriage quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.
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Famous Funny Marriage Quotes
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers. – Richard Pryor
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. – Helen Rowland
The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’ – Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit. – Billy Connolly
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. – Evelyn Hendrickson
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. – Albert Einstein
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – Michel de Montaigne
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. – Raymond Hull
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. – Oscar Wilde
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. – Cher
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. – Wendy Liebman
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. – Mickey Rooney
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. – Marilyn Monroe
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. – Stephen Leacock
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. – Catherine Zeta-Jones
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. – Sigmund Freud
Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. – Jerry Seinfeld
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. – Winston Churchill
Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. – Ogden Nash
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own. – Eddie Cantor
Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. – Joyce Brothers
They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. – Mae West
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman
Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. – Elbert Hubbard
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. – Isadora Duncan
The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage. – Ratna Deep
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. – Helen Rowland
Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock! – Zeenat Essa
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G. K. Chesterton
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. – Ann Bancroft
When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned. – Marie Osmond
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. – Doug Larson
Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree. – Rama Kochhar
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash
Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade. – Carrie
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx
Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. – Beverley Nichols
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck
Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity. – Honore de Balzac
Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates. – Rory Elder
Marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week. – Christie Cook
Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops. – Riaz Nassurally
If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. – Sam Levenson
They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. – Alexander Pope
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake. – Elbert Hubbard
All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up. – Amy Schumer
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! – Prady
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran
My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse! – Rhonda
Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples. – Neil Simon
Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch. – Yoko Ono
I married beneath me, all women do. – Nancy Astor
Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. – Mae West
The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. – Minnie Pearl
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage. – Zig Ziglar
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. – George Bernard Shaw
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henry Youngman
Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx
Funny Marriage Quotes From Movies
- In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty… handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.
- Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.
- When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- If you are ever with a girl that is too good for you – marry her.
- People call these things imperfections, but they’re not, aw, that’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.
- We were perfectly happy until we decided to live happily ever after.
- I know it’s a cornball thing, but love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can’t live without. I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy, and who’ll love you the same way back. How do you find ’em? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart.
- Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn’t last 22. It lasts forever.
- Marriage is the Jack Kevorkian of romance.
- To organize a party this massive… takes a massive a**hole.
- Marriages don’t work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. Marriage is about both people being equally miserable.
- This is true love. You think this happens every day?
- We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.
- The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.
- A wedding is like a funeral, but with musicians.
- I’ve been loving you since I was 11, and the sh*t won’t go away.
- Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
- I wish I had done everything on earth with you.
