77+ Best Funny Marriage Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally recognised union between people, called spouses, that establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. Inspirational funny marriage quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.

If you’re searching for hilarious quotes and hilarious friendship quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny math quotes, hilarious parenting quotes and funniest political quotes.

Famous Funny Marriage Quotes

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. – Helen Rowland

The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’ – Anonymous

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit. – Billy Connolly

funny marriage quotes

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. – Evelyn Hendrickson

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. – Albert Einstein

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – Michel de Montaigne

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. – Raymond Hull

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. – Oscar Wilde

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. – Cher

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland

I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. – Wendy Liebman

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. – Mickey Rooney

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. – Marilyn Monroe

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. – Stephen Leacock

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. – Catherine Zeta-Jones

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. – Sigmund Freud

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. – Jerry Seinfeld

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. – Winston Churchill

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. – Ogden Nash

Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own. – Eddie Cantor

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. – Joyce Brothers

They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. – Mae West

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. – Elbert Hubbard

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. – Isadora Duncan

The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage. – Ratna Deep

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. – Helen Rowland

Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock! – Zeenat Essa

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G. K. Chesterton

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. – Ann Bancroft

When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned. – Marie Osmond

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. – Doug Larson

Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree. – Rama Kochhar

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade. – Carrie

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx

Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. – Beverley Nichols

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity. – Honore de Balzac

Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates. – Rory Elder

Marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week. – Christie Cook

Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops. – Riaz Nassurally

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. – Sam Levenson

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. – Alexander Pope

Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake. – Elbert Hubbard

All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up. – Amy Schumer

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! – Prady

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran

My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse! – Rhonda

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples. – Neil Simon

Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch. – Yoko Ono

I married beneath me, all women do. – Nancy Astor

Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. – Mae West

The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. – Minnie Pearl

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood

Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage. – Zig Ziglar

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. – George Bernard Shaw

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henry Youngman

Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx

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