Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally recognised union between people, called spouses, that establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. Inspirational funny marriage quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.
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Famous Funny Marriage Quotes
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers. – Richard Pryor
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. – Helen Rowland
The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’ – Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit. – Billy Connolly
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. – Evelyn Hendrickson
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. – Albert Einstein
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – Michel de Montaigne
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. – Raymond Hull
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. – Oscar Wilde
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. – Cher
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. – Wendy Liebman
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. – Mickey Rooney
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. – Marilyn Monroe
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. – Stephen Leacock
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. – Catherine Zeta-Jones
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. – Sigmund Freud
Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. – Jerry Seinfeld
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. – Winston Churchill
Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. – Ogden Nash
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own. – Eddie Cantor
Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. – Joyce Brothers
They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. – Mae West
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman
Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. – Elbert Hubbard
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. – Isadora Duncan
The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage. – Ratna Deep
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. – Helen Rowland
Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock! – Zeenat Essa
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G. K. Chesterton
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. – Ann Bancroft
When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned. – Marie Osmond
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. – Doug Larson
Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree. – Rama Kochhar
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash
Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade. – Carrie
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx
Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. – Beverley Nichols
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck
Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity. – Honore de Balzac
Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates. – Rory Elder
Marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week. – Christie Cook
Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops. – Riaz Nassurally
If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. – Sam Levenson
They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake. – Alexander Pope
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake. – Elbert Hubbard
All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up. – Amy Schumer
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! – Prady
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran
My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse! – Rhonda
Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples. – Neil Simon
Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch. – Yoko Ono
I married beneath me, all women do. – Nancy Astor
Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. – Mae West
The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. – Minnie Pearl
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage. – Zig Ziglar
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. – George Bernard Shaw
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henry Youngman
Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx
