Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally recognised union between people, called spouses, that establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. Inspirational funny marriage quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.
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Famous Funny Marriage Quotes
One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, Why are you in here? And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too? Michelle Obama
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it. Ann Bancroft
Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun. Stephanie Ortiz
A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim Allen
Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning. H. Jackson Brown
What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. Cindy Garner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time. Husband! Bill Maher
Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks? Janet Periat
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time. Husband! Bill Maher
I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too for being married so many times. Elizabeth Taylor
My husband and I have never considered divorce murder sometimes, but never divorce. Dr. Joyce Brothers
Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you. Chip Gaines
We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse. Henry Youngman
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip
My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny
My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way. Henry Youngman
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
My wife is a psychologist. Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being. Lee Judge
Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. Joginder Singh
A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month. Dax Shepard
She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry. St Elmo’s Fire
Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you. Megan Mullally
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. Molly McGee
People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business. I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out. Tom Hanks
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me. Winston Churchill
Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep. Chris Hemsworth
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Phillip
I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored. Cameron Esposito
No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them! Homer Simpson
I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat. Mindy Kaling
One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too? Michelle Obama
I’m just a diaper changing facility hooked up to a life support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human Denny’s all day long and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it. Ryan Reynolds
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher. Socrates
People say, Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business. I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out. Tom Hanks
We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working. Justin Timberlake
Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep. Chris Hemsworth
I’d like to publicly thank my husband Dax Shepard for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day. Kristen Bell
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open. George Bernard Shaw
A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late. Frank Sinatra
Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. Jerry Seinfeld
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. Mickey Rooney
After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that. Barack Obama
She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws. Phoebe Buffay
Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out. Joyce Brothers
Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. Mac MacGuff
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. Anne Bancroft
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Harry Burns
My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other. Andy Richter
If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. Miles Davis
My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first name basis anyway. Mark Agee
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery. Emma Bombeck
We just like each other. You start there. I still can’t believe my wife goes out with me. If we were in high school and I was just funny, I’d never have the courage to talk to her. Tom Hanks
I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored. Cameron Esposito
Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy. Goldie Hawn
Love is a lot like a backache it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns
Marriage is like a graph it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems! Dame Julie Andrews
I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. Wendy Liebman
A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late. Frank Sinatra
The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause live TV button. Rick Reilly
Our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. And you know, we’re just not quitters. Will Smith
Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. Ogden Nash
There are only three things women need in life food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock
Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. Kathy Mohnke
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me. Winston Churchill
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. Mickey Rooney
Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.Barack Obama
To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup. Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. Ogden Nash
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. Jenny Seinfeld
Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time. Chris Rock
Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner just so they can have the last word. Janet Periat
We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse. Henry Youngman
Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces marriage is also three-meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out. Joyce Brothers
When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. Richard Lewis
Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called 50 Shades of Just O.K. Conan O’Brien
Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning. H. Jackson Brown
