75+ Best Funny Money Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Money are coins or notes special pieces of paper) that are used to buy things, or an amount of these that a person has. Profoundly inspirational funny money quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.

If you’re searching for hilarious quotes and uplifting sarcastic quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of significant funny boyfriend quotes, powerful funny boss quotes and famous funny book quotes.

Famous Funny Money Quotes

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. — Buzzie Bavasi

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can. — Mark Twain

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention. — Ron Kittle

A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. — Mae West

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction. — Mae West

Never spend your money before you have earned it. — Thomas Jefferson

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor. — Francois Rabelais

Money doesn’t change you; it reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice. — Tim Ferriss

No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back. — H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting. — Benjamin Franklin

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like. — Will Rogers

It is good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven’t lost the things money can’t buy. — George Horace Lorimer

I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. — Fran Lebowitz

Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery. — Charles Dickens

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better. — Sophie Tucker

Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver. — Ayn Rand

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. — Joan Rivers

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping. — Bo Derek

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. — Henny Youngman

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. — J. Paul Getty

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. — Kin Hubbard

This planet has — or rather had — a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. — Douglas Adams

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. — Oscar Wilde

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. — J. Paul Getty

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. — George Burns

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college. — Bill Vaughan

Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases ‘revenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle

It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich. — Alan Alda

The lack of money is the root of all evil. — Mark Twain

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. — Malcolm Forbes

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around. — Brooke Astor

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Earl Wilson

Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free. — Taylor Mead

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money. — Robin Williams

I rob banks because that’s where the money is. — Willie Sutton

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. — Jackie Mason

A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place. — Michael Douglas

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. — Aristotle Onassis

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. — Yogi Berra

The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money. — Thomas Jefferson

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. — Kinky Friedman

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around encouraging young things to grow. — Thornton Wilder

Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. — Arnold Schwarzenegger

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale. — Zig Ziglar

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. — W. C. Fields

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. — Lana Turner

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. — P. J. O’Rourke

Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets. — Jerry Seinfeld

The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people — Eddie Murphy

To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure. — Honore de Balzac

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. — George Carlin

Money talks, bullshit walks. — Stephen King

Congratulations on your job at the bank! Yes. You work for the bank. After taxes, your largest expense is your mortgage and credit-card debt. — Robert Kiyosaki

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. — Oscar Wilde

There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s advances as long as they are in cash — Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. — J. Paul Getty

Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband. — H. L. Mencken

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. — Thomas Fuller

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt. — Earl Wilson

To make a million, start with $900,000. — Morton Shulman

Money often costs too much. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more. — Seneca the Younger

Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. — Mark Twain

Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow. — Martin Sheen

Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.’ — Paul McCartney

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. — Oscar Wilde

Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves. — Zig Ziglar

I despise the Lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid. — Brian May

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. — Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. — Spike Milligan

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have. — Will Rogers

In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular. — Kathleen Norris

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