Relationship is a connection, association, or involvement between persons. Inspirational funny relationship quotes will challenge the way you think, and make your life worth living.
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Famous Funny Relationship Quotes
My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside – Made in Taiwan. – Leopold Fetchner
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. – Groucho Marx
Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. – Fran Lebowitz
The bravest thing that men do is love women. – Mort Sahl
A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright. – Lucille Ball
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. – David Sedaris
Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. – Oscar Wilde
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
Women are cursed, and men are the proof. – Roseanne Barr
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. – Richard Jeni
Love is sharing your popcorn. – Charles Schultz
Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.
Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. – English Proverb
Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. – Judith Viorst
A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. – Mae West
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. – Woody Allen
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. – Mark Twain
I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. – Chico Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. – Spanish Proverb
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman
Relationships are basically just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat, until one of them dies. – Unknown
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. – Ring Lardner
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. – Jean Kerr
Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. – Fran Lebowitz
Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. – Phyllis Schlafly
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. – Cindy Garner
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal
Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge. – Ronny Shakes
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. – Frederick Ryder
Hilarious Relationship Quotes
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders. – Linda Festa
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. – Thomas Dewar
Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns
I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. – Elizabeth Evans
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. – Bobby Kelton
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. – Charles M. Schulz
Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen
If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. – Miles Davis
Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms. – J. P. Senn
My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. – Elayne Boosler
When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. – Richard Lewis
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard
When I want to end a relationship I just say, “You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks. – Rita Rudner
I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. – Kathy Mohnke
Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. – Franklin P. Jones
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. – Bill Maher
My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. – Ray Romano
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. – Professor Irwin Corey
Assumptions are the termites of relationships. – Henry Winkler
I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one? – Jarod Kintz
It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party. – Nick Hornby
What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. – Cindy Garner
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen
If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools. – Katherine Mansfield
Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do. – Bettina Arndt
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal
Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. – Carroll Bryant
A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.
The Venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle. – John Green
If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second. – Johnny Depp
Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. – Marian Keyes
Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him. – Helen Fielding
I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? – Jean Illsley Clarke
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
Short Funny Relationship Quotes
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. – Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. – Pauline Thomason
Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. – Helen Gurley Brown
I had a dream that i still loved you. I think I woke up screaming. – Christine
Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills. – Jessica Martin
It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. – Lucille Ball
A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. – Les Dawson
People should fall in love with their eyes closed. – Andy Warhol
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner
If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. – Chelsea Peretti
I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. – Russell Brand
Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. – Natasha Leggero
I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt. – Henny Youngman
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. – Mae West
Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Benjamin Franklin
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. – Steven Wright
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. – Garry Shandling
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin
Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. – Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein
I don’t see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain’t much of a recommendation for it. – Larry McMurtry
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. – Chelsea Handler
Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns
If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. – Fran Lebowitz
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. – Richard Pryor
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Frederick Ryder
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. – Rodney Dangerfield
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. – Johnny Carson
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny
Women love a self-confident bald man. – Larry David
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Laurence J Peter
I can’t make you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75. – Rob Delaney
If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. – J.A. Redmerski
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford
My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me… Never getting it back. – Refinnej Sin
You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. – Hussein Nishah
In any perfect relationship men should remember it’s a matter of direction; she takes what’s right and you take what’s left. – Solitaire Parke
Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore. – Bree Luckey
My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. – Rodney D
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. – Bob Ettinger
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock. – Jewish Proverbangerfield
We’re like Romeo & Juliet.. Except for the dying part of course. – Justina
The key to a successful relationship is to clear your internet history. – Quoteistan
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. – Judith Viorst
Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle
The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. – Mark W. Boyer
The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it. – Israel Zangwill
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. – Emo Philips
True love is singing karaoke Under Pressure and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part. – Mindy Kaling
Funny Relationship Quotes From Movies
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That is your common sense leaving your body.
- Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
- I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
- I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.
- I solemnly swear I am up to no good. Especially when I am all alone with you!
- If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.
- You want to know who I’m in love with? Read the first word again.
- Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.
- I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu. But a care bear, I’d definitely fight a care bear for you.
- Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
- Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
