127+ Best Funny Relationship Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Relationship is  a connection, association, or involvement between persons. Inspirational funny relationship quotes will challenge the way you think, and make your life worth living.

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Famous Funny Relationship Quotes

My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside – Made in Taiwan. – Leopold Fetchner

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. – Groucho Marx

A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright. – Lucille Ball

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers

funny relationship quotes

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. – David Sedaris

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. – Oscar Wilde

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell

Women are cursed, and men are the proof. – Roseanne Barr

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. – Richard Jeni

Love is sharing your popcorn. – Charles Schultz

Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.

Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. – English Proverb

Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. – Judith Viorst

A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. – Mae West

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. – Woody Allen

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. – Mark Twain

I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. – Chico Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. – Spanish Proverb

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman

Relationships are basically just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat, until one of them dies. – Unknown

He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. – Ring Lardner

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. – Jean Kerr

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. – Fran Lebowitz

Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. – Phyllis Schlafly

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. – Cindy Garner

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge. – Ronny Shakes

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. – Frederick Ryder

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders. – Linda Festa

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. – Thomas Dewar

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns

I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. – Elizabeth Evans

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. – Bobby Kelton

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. – Charles M. Schulz

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. – Miles Davis

Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms. – J. P. Senn

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. – Elayne Boosler

When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. – Richard Lewis

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

When I want to end a relationship I just say, “You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks. – Rita Rudner

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. – Kathy Mohnke

Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. – Franklin P. Jones

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. – Bill Maher

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. – Ray Romano

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. – Professor Irwin Corey

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. – Henry Winkler

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one? – Jarod Kintz

It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party. – Nick Hornby

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. – Cindy Garner

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools. – Katherine Mansfield

Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do. – Bettina Arndt

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal

Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. – Carroll Bryant

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.

The Venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle. – John Green

If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second. – Johnny Depp

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. – Marian Keyes

Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him. – Helen Fielding

I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? – Jean Illsley Clarke

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. – Pauline Thomason

Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. – Helen Gurley Brown

I had a dream that i still loved you. I think I woke up screaming. – Christine

Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills. – Jessica Martin

It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. – Lucille Ball

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. – Les Dawson

People should fall in love with their eyes closed. – Andy Warhol

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. – Chelsea Peretti

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. – Russell Brand

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. – Natasha Leggero

I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt. – Henny Youngman

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. – Mae West

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Benjamin Franklin

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. – Steven Wright

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. – Garry Shandling

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. – Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

I don’t see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain’t much of a recommendation for it. – Larry McMurtry

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. – Chelsea Handler

Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. – Fran Lebowitz

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Frederick Ryder

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. – Rodney Dangerfield

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. – Johnny Carson

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny

Women love a self-confident bald man. – Larry David

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Laurence J Peter

I can’t make you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75. – Rob Delaney

If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. – J.A. Redmerski

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me… Never getting it back. – Refinnej Sin

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. – Hussein Nishah

In any perfect relationship men should remember it’s a matter of direction; she takes what’s right and you take what’s left. – Solitaire Parke

Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore. – Bree Luckey

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. – Rodney D

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. – Bob Ettinger

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland

Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock. – Jewish Proverbangerfield

We’re like Romeo & Juliet.. Except for the dying part of course. – Justina

The key to a successful relationship is to clear your internet history. – Quoteistan

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. – Judith Viorst

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. – Mark W. Boyer

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it. – Israel Zangwill

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. – Emo Philips

True love is singing karaoke Under Pressure and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part. – Mindy Kaling

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