106+ Best George Carlin Quotes: Wisest & Funniest Selection

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an actor, author, social critic and one of the US’s most influential comedians. He was known for his black comedy and reflections on politics, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Sarcastic George Carlin quotes will not only make you laugh, but also made you think and inspire for better life.

If you’re searching for profound life quotes and sayings that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of funny Will Smith quotes, powerful Robin Williams quotes, and humorous Mark Twain quotes.

George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done. – George Carlin

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. – George Carlin

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years. – George Carlin

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. – George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. – George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. – George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. – George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. – George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that. – George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. – George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. – George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. – George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are fcked. – George Carlin

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. – George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. – George Carlin

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. – George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. – George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin

Meow means woof in cat. – George Carlin

Religion is like a pair of shoes….Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes. – George Carlin

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fckin’ heroic. – George Carlin

Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that. – George Carlin

He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fck things up this badly. – George Carlin

I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fcking hatreds. – George Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. – George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. – George Carlin

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. – George Carlin

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be. – George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. – George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. – George Carlin

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. – George Carlin

How is it possible to have a civil war? – George Carlin

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place. – George Carlin

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. – George Carlin

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull sht they teach you in school. – George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. – George Carlin

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? – George Carlin

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? – George Carlin

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fck – George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. – George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. – George Carlin

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. – George Carlin

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? – George Carlin

A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed. – George Carlin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. – George Carlin

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. – George Carlin

When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat. – George Carlin

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police. – George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. – George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. – George Carlin

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. – George Carlin

I think I am, therefore, I am… I think. – George Carlin

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fcked. – George Carlin

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? – George Carlin

It’s important in life if you don’t give a sht. It can help you a lot. – George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. – George Carlin

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. – George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? – George Carlin

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies. – George Carlin

Everyone smiles in the same language. – George Carlin

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think. – George Carlin

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it? – George Carlin

It’s never just a game when you’re winning. – George Carlin

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? – George Carlin

People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? – George Carlin

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence? – George Carlin

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. – George Carlin

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. – George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. – George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. – George Carlin

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. – George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. – George Carlin

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. – George Carlin

You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble. – George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. – George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. – George Carlin

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? – George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. – George Carlin

Once you leave out all the bllsht they teach you in school, life gets really simple. – George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? – George Carlin

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? – George Carlin

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. – George Carlin

Religion is just mind control. – George Carlin

There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. – George Carlin

What if there were no hypothetical questions? – George Carlin

Bllsht is truly the American soundtrack. – George Carlin

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi. – George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. – George Carlin

Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. – George Carlin

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain. – George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning – George Carlin

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past. – George Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. – George Carlin

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. – George Carlin

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the sht out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. – George Carlin

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him. – George Carlin

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. – George Carlin

My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fckin’ serious! – George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. – George Carlin

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