68+ Best George Carlin Quotes: Wisest & Funniest Selection

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an actor, author, social critic and one of the US’s most influential comedians. He was known for his black comedy and reflections on politics, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Sarcastic George Carlin quotes will not only make you laugh, but also made you think and inspire for better life.

If you’re searching for profound life quotes and sayings that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of funny Will Smith quotes, powerful Robin Williams quotes, and humorous Mark Twain quotes.

Famous George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are f*cked. George Carlin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin

Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town. George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that. George Carlin

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think. George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me they’re cramming for their final exam. George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money. George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read teach them to question everything that they read teach them to question everything. George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin

We’ve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin

I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence? George Carlin

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. George Carlin

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. George Carlin

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories. George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the selfhelp section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin

What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f*ckin heroic. George Carlin

The very existence of flame throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done. George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. George Carlin

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. George Carlin

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, I haven’t got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin

Here’s all you have to know about men and women women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the self help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin

I often warn people Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin

Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work. George Carlin

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f*ckin heroic. George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin

Bipartisan usually means that a larger than usual deception is being carried out. George Carlin

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. George Carlin

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin

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