“You’re so mean. What kind of father allows his child to suffer for that long. You suck. Whatever your stupid plan is, it sucks and you suck. I have no interest in playing God but I know that a loving person would never allow their child to suffer.” The words spewed out of my mouth in colourful bursts of rainbow just a couple of days ago as I stared at the cross hanging on my wall. Again, I was done with God.
The vertigo flare up was just settling and it set off again. Three nights on a wild roller coaster ride sent me into an ecstasy of nausea with waves of motion-sickness caressing my intestines. Three wild nights of no sleep. A remembrance of my youth. Only difference was that this time, I wasn’t willingly getting myself dead drunk to the brink of involuntary projectile regurgitation.
Indeed I am my very own DJ constantly spinning this deck along with heavy breathing and a sweaty body. I don’t need strobing lights or the sound of thumping bass to send me into an epileptic fit (I am not using this as a joke about those who suffer from it) of another night I’ll never forget.
Maybe this was payback from God. Maybe he is paying me back in the same way I defiled him. Partying. Drinks. Cigarettes. Drunk giddiness. Puking.
“Okay I get it. I get what you’re trying to teach me and have taught me. It’s been over three years now I’m pretty sure I get what you mean and how you want me to change my life. I am willing to do it, now can you just spare me and heal me already? Why would you make your child beg you like that? Cruel. You are a cruel God. You made the mountains but you refuse to heal me.”
Then, something that has been hanging around constantly in my subconsciousness for a pretty long time came forward.
“How has God blessed me?”
I’ve read many blogs and also on Twitter, people sharing how God has blessed them with something ‘big’. Not just daily blessings like having food and a home etc, but significant things that people thank God so much about. That divine hand that worked in a bad circumstance.
The only time I can remember God blessing me greatly was during my drama exams. I was in a room all alone with the Director of the Royal Shakespeare Company. I had to perform a couple of pieces before teaching a prepared lesson while imagining he was my student. (Crazy right?) I had to do my own scene changes which meant shifting props around and changing into my next outfit behind a curtain all while being in the same breathing space as this dignified man. Though I rehearsed the flow and timing countless times, my nerves still wrecked me. I called Jesus. Somewhere along the lines of, “Jesus may you be present with me in this room.” (Or maybe it was a pathetic cry of GOD PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I DIE OF A HEART ATTACK)
IMMEDIATELY (I’m not kidding or exaggerating), I felt something come into the room. An overwhelming presence. The entire room felt so warm. My nerves were gone in just a second and I felt NOTHING. As if someone gave me a shot to calm the nerves and remove all traces of stage fright. I will never forget that feeling. I became so confident, my breathing steady and performed all my pieces flawlessly, without missing a line. I nailed all my accents too (I think). At the end, he stood up to applaud me. The Director of this renowned company gave me a standing ovation. I was elated and scored a distinction. THANK YOU JESUS.
Now, forgive me if I sound like an ungrateful brat for only remembering ONE great blessing God has given me. So as I stood there the other day mumbling spiteful words, it dawned on me. The GREATEST blessing God has been giving me and my family all this time.
Insurance. Yes. For the past years, I have been in and out of hospitals countless times. I need a membership card for all the hospitals in my country. I’ve done countless scans, tests and checks and sought more than one opinion for every specialist. Each time I am admitted, the worrisome period of waiting for an answer from my insurance company always ends with an almost full coverage payment.
How could I have overlooked this blessing? Yes, of course not everything is covered and my family still has to come up with a lot up till now, but the biggest bills with the hospitals are covered almost in full .
Now I feel kind of bad that I dumped those words on God like that. It still sucks that his appointed time of healing isn’t here yet but I am thankful for this other great blessing in my life. I am grateful that my parents insured me from a young age. I am truly thankful.
Now maybe I can ask you, what is your greatest blessing from God?
“His anger lasts a moment, His favour a lifetime.” -Psalms 30:5
Be kind to one another,
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