Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He was a real master of quick wit, and widely considered one of America’s greatest comedians.
He was famous for his work in the Marx Brothers comedy team, and his solo film and television career. With his witty grit and humor, wise Groucho Marx quotes will give you a little inspiration, happiness, and bring you out of the banality of life while making you laugh.
If you’re searching for great quotes by famous actors that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Will Rogers quotes, funny George Carlin quotes, and best Adam Sandler quotes.
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, Damn, that was fun. Groucho Marx
If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong. Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Groucho Marx
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. Groucho Marx
Patience is the art of finding something else to do. Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
The only real laughter comes from despair. Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Groucho Marx
With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now. Groucho Marx
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx
Blood’s not thicker than money. Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them well I have others. Groucho Marx
You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces? Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx
My mother loved children she would have given anything if I had been one. Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know. Groucho Marx
I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member. Groucho Marx
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. Groucho Marx
Before I speak, I have something important to say. Groucho Marx
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. Groucho Marx
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong. Groucho Marx
Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first. Groucho Marx
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. Groucho Marx
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. Groucho Marx
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them well, I have others. Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. Groucho Marx
I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are. Groucho Marx
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying. Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, Damn, that was fun. Groucho Marx
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. Groucho Marx
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. Groucho Marx
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends may they never meet! Groucho Marx
Whatever it is, I’m against it. Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Groucho Marx
Time wounds all heels. Groucho Marx
Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Groucho Marx
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them well, I have others. Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx
I must admit, I was born at an early age. Groucho Marx
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Groucho Marx
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar. Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx
Before I speak, I have something important to say. Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends may they never meet! Groucho Marx
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx
I’ve been looking for a girl like you not you, but a girl like you. Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. Groucho Marx
Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you. Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. Groucho Marx
We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own. Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying. Groucho Marx
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30. Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me. Groucho Marx
Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. Groucho Marx
I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. Groucho Marx
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. Groucho Marx
I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s. Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx
All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff. Groucho Marx
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest ask him. If he says, Yes, you know he is a crook. Groucho Marx
All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx
