61+ Best Groucho Marx Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He was a real master of quick wit, and widely considered one of America’s greatest comedians.

He was famous for his work in the Marx Brothers comedy team, and his solo film and television career. With his witty grit and humor, wise Groucho Marx quotes will give you a little inspiration, happiness, and bring you out of the banality of life while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for great quotes by famous actors that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Will Rogers quotes, funny George Carlin quotes, and best Adam Sandler quotes.

Top Groucho Marx Quotes

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. ― Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. ― Groucho Marx

Why don’t you go home to your wife? Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference. ― Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife. ― Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. ― Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. ― Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. ― Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! ― Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx

Funny, I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down. ― Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels. ― Groucho Marx

Anybody who doesn’t like this book is healthy. ― Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ― Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ― Groucho Marx

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me? ― Groucho Marx

Bury me next to a straight man. ― Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ― Groucho Marx

Famous Groucho Marx Quotes

Go, and never darken my towels again. ― Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know. ― Groucho Marx

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. ― Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, ‘Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.’ ― Groucho Marx

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel. ― Groucho Marx

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve taken out of it. ― Groucho Marx

Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes? ― Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. ― Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ― Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ― Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard. ― Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ― Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ― Groucho Marx

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse! ― Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. ― Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early. ― Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ― Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ― Groucho Marx

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse. ― Groucho Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast ― Groucho Marx

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made. ― Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy. ― Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. ― Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. ― Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. ― Groucho Marx

Inspirational Groucho Marx Quotes

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. ― Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. ― Groucho Marx

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed. ― Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever or die trying. ― Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had s*x – I kept the receipt. ― Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ― Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. ― Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. ― Groucho Marx

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining. ― Groucho Marx

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. ― Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer, I would be on the other side of you. ― Groucho Marx

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again. ― Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. ― Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. ― Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped. ― Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. ― Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ― Groucho Marx

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. ― Groucho Marx

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