118+ Best Groucho Marx Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He was a real master of quick wit, and widely considered one of America’s greatest comedians.

He was famous for his work in the Marx Brothers comedy team, and his solo film and television career. With his witty grit and humor, wise Groucho Marx quotes will give you a little inspiration, happiness, and bring you out of the banality of life while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for great quotes by famous actors that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Will Rogers quotes, funny George Carlin quotes, and best Adam Sandler quotes.

Top Groucho Marx Quotes

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. – Groucho Marx

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. – Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard. – Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. – Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse! – Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. – Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early. – Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? – Groucho Marx

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse. – Groucho Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast – Groucho Marx

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made. – Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy. – Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. – Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. – Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. – Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. – Groucho Marx

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed. – Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever or die trying. – Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had s*x – I kept the receipt. – Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. – Groucho Marx

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. – Groucho Marx

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining. – Groucho Marx

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. – Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer, I would be on the other side of you. – Groucho Marx

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again. – Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. – Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. – Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped. – Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. – Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again. – Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. – Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. – Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. – Groucho Marx

My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one. – Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, Yes, you know he is a crook. – Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others. – Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. – Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. – Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. – Groucho Marx

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. – Groucho Marx

Come get your ice-cream! Come get your tootsie-footsie ice cream! – Groucho Marx

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off! – Groucho Marx

The party of the first part…is hereinafter called: the party of the first part…and The party of the second part…is hereinafter called: the party of the second part… – Groucho Marx

Don’t you know what duplicates are? Sure. There are five kids up in Canada. Well, I wouldn’t know about that. I haven’t been to Canada in years. – Groucho Marx

9 dollars and 40 cents? That’s an outrage! If I were you, I wouldn’t pay it! – Groucho Marx

We’ve got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself. – Groucho Marx

Hundred aces huh?… Two hundred… that’s even better – Groucho Marx

I got his tie what did you get…the birth mark that’s great – Groucho Marx

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream. – Groucho Marx

I’ll do anything you say. In fact, I’ll even stay. But I must be going. – Groucho Marx

We must remember that art is art. Well, on the other hand water is water isn’t it? And east is east, and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rubarb does. Now uh…now you tell me what you know. – Groucho Marx

Well, all the jokes can’t be good. You’ve got to expect that once in a while. – Groucho Marx

That’s a date, now, Saturday at three. No, you better make it Tuesday. I’m going to Europe Monday. – Groucho Marx

Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast. – Groucho Marx

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather! – Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That’s not so easy to say. Tusks. You try it some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn’t budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about. – Groucho Marx

Captain Spaulding, talking about his latest trip to Africa: ‘We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. But we’re going back again in a couple of weeks!’ – Groucho Marx

I’ll teach you to kick me…You don’t need to teach me I already know how! – Groucho Marx

Sure, we shadowed him: Tuesday we sit outside his house all day, but he no home. Wednesday, we went to the ball game, he fools us and no show up. Thursday, he go to the ball game, but we fool him and we no show up. Friday it was a double header, nobody shows up, so we stay home and listened to it on the radio. – Groucho Marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home…But I would rather dance with the cows till you come home – Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this. Run out and get me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail out of it. – Groucho Marx

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it – I hear they’re going to tear you down and put up an office building where you’re standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. – Groucho Marx

I can see you standing over a hot stove, but I can’t see the stove – Groucho Marx

If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited – Groucho Marx

I danced before Napoleon. No, Napoleon danced before me – in fact, he danced two hundred years before me. – Groucho Marx

Don’t look now but there’s one man too many in this room and i think it’s you. – Groucho Marx

Pick a number from one to ten. Eleven. Right! – Groucho Marx

Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did. – Groucho Marx

I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. – Groucho Marx

If you have ten dollars better see me in the morning. If you’ve got six can I lend you four? – Groucho Marx

Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water! – Groucho Marx

Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb? – Groucho Marx

Why don’t you go home to your wife? Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference. – Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke. – Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! – Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

Funny, I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down. – Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels. – Groucho Marx

Anybody who doesn’t like this book is healthy. – Groucho Marx

Bury me next to a straight man. – Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. – Groucho Marx

All people are born alike—except Republicans and Democrats. – Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, ‘Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.’ – Groucho Marx

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel. – Groucho Marx

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve taken out of it. – Groucho Marx

Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out. – Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. – Groucho Marx

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. – Groucho Marx

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are. – Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you. – Groucho Marx

There are only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan. – Groucho Marx

If you are not having fun, you are doing something wrong. – Groucho Marx

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning. – Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. – Groucho Marx

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious. – Groucho Marx

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. – Groucho Marx

This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed. – Groucho Marx

What have future generations ever done for us? – Groucho Marx

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. – Groucho Marx

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know. – Groucho Marx

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’ – Groucho Marx

I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you. – Groucho Marx

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