Heartache

Once in while you get hurt. Once in a while you get hurt by random people who pass through your life at some stage: somebody in your class in high school, a neighbour, a co-worker, a person who was just angry and takes it out on you for some reason. All these situations you learn to brush them off. If you are sensitive it might still have an impact on you – even if it does not really matter, but you eventually learn and let go.

Then once in a while you get hurt by someone who matters. Again it depends whether it was intentional or not. If it wasn’t you’d get over it as well. Now the tricky part is when someone who really matters to you – a close family member, a very good friend – does or says something to hurt you. To humiliate you. Intentionally.

And that’s when the heartache starts.

I don’t think the reason why you are hurt matters. What matters is that you should never hurt someone who loves you, someone who trusts you.

Through my teen years I was a bit plump, it went away. After I had kids, I had real trouble with my weight. It’s true, I was overweight, not obese or anything but I had a few kilos here and there that I needed to get rid off. It’s like my metabolism stopped working while I was busy creating these amazing small people inside. But my mum then was horrible to me, and she didn’t need to be. She said so harsh things to me about how I looked for example that it would just make the matter worse. She would say that she didn’t want to look at me, that I should be ashamed of myself. We were already expats at that time, so thankfully I was far enough away not to hear it everyday. But it hurt every time we spoke – because she would bring it up whenever she could. She thought that being hard on me would trick me into going on a diet or whatever. But deciding to lose weight or stopping to smoke for example, are things that need to be ones own decision. I discovered later that she thought it was her fault through my teen years, so took out her frustration on me later on when I again was overweight. 

Today I have lost the weight I needed to loose, but inside, those years of verbal abuse, broke something. I still find myself too fat as a result – there are still some clothes I won’t allow myself to wear. I am a size uk8-10 so really, I can wear more or less anything I want. Except I can’t. I can’t because of the heartache. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I judge myself. I hear all these words, all these things my mother would say. All that judgement she passed it on to me, and you are not suprised when I tell you, I really dislike it.

What triggered this post is not what happened so many years ago – even though, as you can read, it still has a huge influence on whom I am today. Last night I don’t know what fly stung my best friend, but he hurt me. Deeply. I have been hurt enough through my life. The above story is just one example. So I will not leave it on the side and I will confront him later today. I have been morally abused too much, I can not let it go. It’s bugging me, it’s irritating me and I need to get it out of my system.

I always tell my kids, ‘do not treat someone in a certain way, if you don’t want to be treated like that either’. It is something I firmly believe in, probably my strongest principle. I have a few of those. Whatever issue you have with a person, nobody deserves to not be treated nicely. Since I woke up my heart has been in the wrong place.

This heartache consumes me.

It has taught me however, a few of things over the years. One of them is never to judge anyone: we all have a past, something hidden in a corner of our heart. Regret, remorse, abuse, failure. Something that makes us the person we are today. The art, the important thing is to canalise this, take it and make it into something good, something positive.

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