141+ Best Homer Simpson Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Homer Jay Simpson is a fictional character and the protagonist of the American animated sitcom The Simpsons. Profoundly inspirational Homer Simpson quotes will encourage growth in life, make you wiser and broaden your perspective.

Famous Homer Simpson Quotes

D’oh! – Homer Simpson

If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever…Thy will be done. – Homer Simpson

My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine! – Homer Simpson

You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel. – Homer Simpson

Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different. – Homer Simpson

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down. – Homer Simpson

Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown. – Homer Simpson

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman. – Homer Simpson

I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back. – Homer Simpson

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center. – Homer Simpson

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get. – Homer Simpson

(Lisa)I’m going to become a vegetarian (Homer)Does that mean you’re not going to eat any pork?YesBacon?Yes Dad Ham?Dad all those meats come from the same animalRight Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal! – Homer Simpson

If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. – Homer Simpson

Boy , Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. – Homer Simpson

I am so Smart! I am so Smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T! – Homer Simpson

I’m not telling you, ‘Never eat a hamburger.’ Just eat the good ones with real beef, you know, like the ones from that mom-and-pop diner down the street, … And it’s so good that when you take a bite out of that burger, you just know somewhere in the world a vegan is crying. – Homer Simpson

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. – Homer Simpson

He’s about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don’t trust people in the music business. – Homer Simpson

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do? – Homer Simpson

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. – Homer Simpson

Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night. – Homer Simpson

I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers… I can get by with one. – Homer Simpson

Even communism works… in theory. – Homer Simpson

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? – Homer Simpson

Marge, it’s AM. Shouldn’t you be baking? – Homer Simpson

Flanders: I think we hit something. Homer: I hope it’s Flanders – Homer Simpson

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! – Homer Simpson

The problem in the world today is communication… too much communication. – Homer Simpson

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races. – Homer Simpson

I’ve got a problem. As soon as you stop this car, I’m gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I’ll never be able to let you go! – Homer Simpson

A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michaelmelangelo? – Homer Simpson

‘Do not touch Willie’. Good advice. – Homer Simpson

I am not crazy. It’s the TV that’s crazy. Aren’t you, TV? – Homer Simpson

Owww look at me Marge, I’m making people Happy! I’m the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!…… By the way I was being sarcastic… – Homer Simpson

Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening. – Homer Simpson

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. – Homer Simpson

You keep disappearing and reappearing and you’re not even funny. You’re just like that show Scrubs! – Homer Simpson

Hello? Operator! Give me the number for ! – Homer Simpson

That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college! – Homer Simpson

I never apologize… I’m sorry but that’s the way I am. – Homer Simpson

Marge, your cooking only has two moves: Shake and Bake. – Homer Simpson

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! – Homer Simpson

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand. – Homer Simpson

OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU! – Homer Simpson

I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off! – Homer Simpson

A gun is not a weapon, it’s a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator. – Homer Simpson

Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full. – Homer Simpson

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs. – Homer Simpson

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves. – Homer Simpson

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. – Homer Simpson

There you go again, always taking someone else’s side. Flanders, the water department, God… – Homer Simpson

I don’t even believe in Jebus… Save me Jebus – Homer Simpson

Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip! – Homer Simpson

I think it was called The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down. – Homer Simpson

Stupid sexy Flanders! – Homer Simpson

Stupid family. Won’t even come to my Rapture. I went to Lisa’s play! Which had serious pacing problems. – Homer Simpson

Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store. – Homer Simpson

AHHH. Donuts. . . What can’t they do. – Homer Simpson

Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. – Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. – Homer Simpson

When a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off. – Homer Simpson

Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world. – Homer Simpson

You can have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing you will never have… a dinosaur. – Homer Simpson

I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now. – Homer Simpson

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator: feet tall, pounds… it makes ice. – Homer Simpson

I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed? – Homer Simpson

You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built. Remember, if the building inspector comes by, it’s not a room, it’s a windowbox – Homer Simpson

Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco. The cuts on his hands. Those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god, he did it! – Homer Simpson

But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law. The one that says, ‘Don’t worry about it. I got this.’ – Homer Simpson

You’re saying butt-kisser like it’s a bad thing! – Homer Simpson

I wish God were alive to see this. – Homer Simpson

Okay. I’m not going to kill you, but I’m going to tell you three things that will haunt you the rest of your days. You ruined your father. You crippled your family. And baldness is hereditary! – Homer Simpson

Marge, don’t worry. It’s like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact everyone did. – Homer Simpson

Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. – Homer Simpson

You’re everywhere. You’re omnivorous. – Homer Simpson

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around. – Homer Simpson

If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. – Homer Simpson

Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money? – Homer Simpson

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk! – Homer Simpson

If you’re going to get mad at me everytime I do something stupid then I guess I’ll have to stop doing stupid things! – Homer Simpson

Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants. – Homer Simpson

I hope I didn’t brain my damage. – Homer Simpson

What are you guys laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying. – Homer Simpson

Trying is the first step towards failure. – Homer Simpson

If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement. – Homer Simpson

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. – Homer Simpson

Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don’t think guns are great then we’ll argue some more. – Homer Simpson

Operator! Give me the number for ! – Homer Simpson

Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. – Homer Simpson

Let’s just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don’t, and that’s cool. But we’re probably right. Amen. – Homer Simpson – Homer Simpson

They have the Internet on computers, now? – Homer Simpson

All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. – Homer Simpson

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. – Homer Simpson

I’m a white male, age to . Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are. – Homer Simpson

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy’s boat! – Homer Simpson

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. – Homer Simpson

Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? – Homer Simpson

Why don’t those stupid idiots let me in their stupid club for jerks? – Homer Simpson

If it doesn’t have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair. – Homer Simpson

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. – Homer Simpson

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. – Homer Simpson

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! – Homer Simpson

It’s so simple to be wise… just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. – Homer Simpson

If I could say a few words… I would be a better public speaker. – Homer Simpson

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich. – Homer Simpson

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. – Homer Simpson

America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay! – Homer Simpson

Marge: Homer! There’s someone here who can help you… Homer: Is it Batman? Marge: No, he’s a scientist. Homer: Batman’s a scientist?! Marge: It’s not Batman! – Homer Simpson

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail. – Homer Simpson

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four. – Homer Simpson

Chief justice of the supreme court. What great men he would join – John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger, mmmm burger – Homer Simpson

Marge it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. – Homer Simpson

I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead. – Homer Simpson

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number : Cover for me. Number : Oh, good idea, Boss! Number : It was like that when I got here. – Homer Simpson

Save me, Jebus! – Homer Simpson

Simpson! Homer Simpson! He’s the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the, town of Springfield! He’s about to hit a chestnut tree! Waaaah! – Homer Simpson

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out. – Homer Simpson

We can outsmart those dolphins. Don’t forget – we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, and the pudding cup. – Homer Simpson

If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin. – Homer Simpson

Apu I need a keg and a six pack to hold me until I tap the keg. – Homer Simpson

Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos. – Homer Simpson

Why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them? – Homer Simpson

I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god. – Homer Simpson

I’m really glad you corrected me, Lisa. People are always really glad when they’re corrected. – Homer Simpson

I’m hittin’ the road. Maybe I’ll drop you a line some day from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. – Homer Simpson

Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless. – Homer Simpson

If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead? – Homer Simpson

I like my beer cold… my TV loud… and my homosexuals flaming. – Homer Simpson

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. – Homer Simpson

It takes two to lie; one to lie, and one to listen. – Homer Simpson

Olive oil … asparagus … if your mother wasn’t so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people. – Homer Simpson

Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family. – Homer Simpson

Lord help me, I’m just not that bright. – Homer Simpson

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. – Homer Simpson

Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel. – Homer Simpson

English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England. – Homer Simpson

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner’s getting all cold, and eaten. – Homer Simpson

As the Bible says, ‘Screw that!’ – Homer Simpson

Oh, look! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring. – Homer Simpson

To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key? – Homer Simpson

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