So I’ve gone backwards. Slipping and sliding and rolling around. Bingeing and purging every day again. Feeling shit and stupid. I know it’s my responsibility – my choice. I can turn this back around any time I want to.
Why don’t I want to?
Everything we do in life, we do because it’s the thing we want to do the most at the time. When I choose to binge or purge, at the moment in time it is preferable to being healthy. I’m getting something out of it – numbing my emotions, punishing myself, weight control. There’s always something that feels like a positive – a backhanded false positive.
I believe this sinking feeling and backward trajectory is a result of exhaustion and weight gain – which are not related to each other.
I’m exhausted because I haven’t had time to stop and think and just be for a while. I have plans in place over the next three weeks to rest – but that won’t start until Friday. I need sleep and quiet time and walks along the beach and curling up in front of a big log fire drinking cups of tea.
I’m gaining weight because I’m overeating and binging. And I know I’m gaining weight because pants that were too baggy to wear before Christmas, are now too tight to wear. I’ve put on a lot of weight and I’m horrified at that thought. My only known solution in the past has been to purge or restrict and I’m valiantly attempting to resist those options right now. When I eat food, I feel like a failure. When I don’t eat, I feel like a failure. When I purge or don’t purge, I feel like a failure. Keeping food down feels like I’ve given in to societal demands and that I’m guaranteed to gain weight. Purging and restricting feels like I’ve given in to the eating disorder and I’m guaranteed to binge and gain weight.
Whatever I try to do, I feel like a failure and can trace a path from the initial behaviour to a weight gain.
I spent half an hour on the way to work this morning chanting, The answer is in recovery. My weight will stabilise when my nutritional intake stabilises. To be healthy and well I must recover. The answer is in recovery. Chanting to myself endlessly.
And then this afternoon I’ve binged and purged a ton again. And a big part of me wants to keep doing it – to keep purging and to start restricting. It is SO tempting! Such a strong, strong lure.
Such a big roller coaster. Such an exhausting ride…