Recovery, life; I have come to learn that living day to day ins’t about having control over everything, because we can’t. We can just let life happen, and only then can we truly move forward and start to see change. Just remember that with every new change, there’s always a certain level of push-back. We have to resist staying there when we are pushed back, and get back up and keep fighting.
Here’s the truth: we both know that not everyone makes it, because sometimes, life takes more fight than people have in them. You ask yourself constantly “Is any of it worth it?” I don’t know the answer to that. None of us do. This question, though, the one I ask myself every minute of every day, it taught me something.
Maybe I can be more than what I was. Maybe I can be a fighter. Maybe, in some small way, that’s what I’ve been for the past several years.
Am I a good one? No, not really. I lose, constantly, beat myself up over the little things, and I often compare myself to those that seem healthier, wealthier and happier than I am. “I’ll never get to that point in my life“, I often say to myself. Is that true? Possibly, I don’t know. All I do know is what I see in front of me; I’m supported by a badass therapist and other people I’m lucky enough to know and learn from in my life. It reminds me that fighting a good fight isn’t about winning, it’s about giving it all you’ve got and accepting what comes out of it.
What does recovery feel like to me?
You know when you’re walking through a windy place and the force of the wind violently starts pushing you in a certain direction? It feels like that.
At first, it’s scary, sure, but this feeling also taught me something.
Yes, sometimes, we will be pushed away by the force of the wind, and we will fall and fail. But what if we allow it to happen. sometimes? It can be a necessary step in our recovery, because hitting rock bottom can help us see the best possible path up/forward.
The Beginning: When I started to have memories about my abuse, parts of me started to slowly slip away; I stopped eating or ate too much, I barely slept or slept too much, and I fought off anyone who’d try to help me, including myself. “Do you want to talk about the memories you’re scared of?” My therapist asked me. I responded telling her that my past was perfectly fine, and that I was a really happy child. She didn’t believe it, obviously recognizing that I was just avoiding talking about these memories, and so did I. I started becoming angry, started fights, and became a real jerk. A damaged jerk.
It was only this year that I realized: “Life, recovery; it’s never about playing it safe, it’s about taking risks. Unless you’re willing to put yourself out there, you’ll never know what could have been,” It’s too late to change the past, your trauma already happened. What you can do, though, is feel what you need to feel and then simply let it go. Holding onto that anger and sadness only hurts you, and while it’s perfectly okay to release our emotions, it’s important not to get stuck in the past.
Once you realize that the past is gone and that you need to move on, once you fully accept that idea, new things truths tend to unfold. It won’t always be easy, no, but it won’t be impossible. After all, you’ve survived the trauma, so you can definitely survive this stage of recovery. Let the difficulties in your life forge you into a fighter. The recovery stage often makes us feel lost, and is a time I like to call ‘the change-up.’ It allows us to reinvent ourselves and in the process, find our way back to parts we held onto of who we used to be.
Just think: some stars have existed for hundreds of years and their light is only seen by us now. The past always influences the present, there’s nothing we can do about that but try to understand it. By doing that, we can be the most powerful weapon in our lives, and take action to make tomorrow an even better day than it was today. The people of tomorrow are created by the battles of today.