106+ Best Jack Handey Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Jack Handey is an American humorist. Profoundly inspirational Jack Handey quotes will challenge the way you think, and help guide you through any life experience.

If you’re searching for funny quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of profound Terry Pratchett quotes, amazing Amy Poehler quotes and top Bill Burr quotes.

Famous Jack Handey Quotes

I bet if you reached total enlightenment while drinking beer, it would make beer squirt out your noise. – Jack Handey

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) – Jack Handey

If you are a happy employee does that make you ‘gruntled’? – Jack Handey

I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit the high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals. – Jack Handey

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. – Jack Handey

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. – Jack Handey

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money – Jack Handey

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, ‘within reason.’ When I asked her what she meant by ‘within reason,’ she said, ‘You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.’ – Jack Handey

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. Hear that? you say. That’s dynamite, baby. – Jack Handey

If I ever went to war, instead of throwing a grenade, I’d throw one of those small pumpkins. Then maybe my enemy would pick up the pumpkin and think about the futility of war. And that would give me the time I need to hit him with a real grenade. – Jack Handey

I bet a real big problem in Yodeling class is people just coming and yodeling right off the bat. You see, we build to that. – Jack Handey

Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampid in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia. – Jack Handey

I was taking my little nephew to disneyland, but i decided to play a mean trick. i pulled up next to an old, burned down warehouse. Oh no, i said. Disneyland burned down. He started crying, and i was about to tell him it was all a joke and drive to the real disneyland, but it was getting kinda late. – Jack Handey

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. – Jack Handey

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet. – Jack Handey

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books. – Jack Handey

If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy – Jack Handey

If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. – Jack Handey

I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they dont know Im using blanks. – Jack Handey

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, Hey, I’m Vine Man. – Jack Handey

Ambition is like a venus fly trap. If a frog were to sit on it, the fly trap could bite and bite but it wouldn’t hurt the frog because it only has tiny little plant teeth. Then some other stuff could happen and that would be like ambition. – Jack Handey

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing? – Jack Handey

Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said Lassie, go skate for help, she could do it. – Jack Handey

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. – Jack Handey

Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings. – Jack Handey

The only thing that makes me believe in UFOs is that, sometimes I lose stuff. – Jack Handey

My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman, we called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he eat one of us, later on we found out he was a bear. – Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money. – Jack Handey

A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. – (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live – Jack Handey

I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point. – Jack Handey

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. – Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) – Jack Handey

There is nothing sadder than a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up little guy. – Jack Handey

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called Dad. We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. – Jack Handey

If you’re a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don’t think it’s a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, Forgive me, but that’s just too much. – Jack Handey

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset. And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you’re drunk. – Jack Handey

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand?, you can say, Sorry, got these sacks. – Jack Handey

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. – Jack Handey

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, No speaka English. – Jack Handey

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know. He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: This story isn’t too long. But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, Uh-oh, this story is getting long. But then the story was over, and I said to myself: You know, that story wasn’t too long after all. I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. – Jack Handey

Think about world peace; while you’re doing that I’ll be over here stealing your stuff. – Jack Handey

Folks still remember the day Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon it was bouncing higher and higher. The tire popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept on bouncing. Some say it bounced clear over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar – Jack Handey

I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, It’d probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a magazine. – Jack Handey

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact. – Jack Handey

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner! We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. – Jack Handey

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. – (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live – Jack Handey

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I’d save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I’d go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I’d say, ‘Looking for gold, ya durn fool.’ He’d say, ‘Your pick is gold.’ And I’d say, ‘well, that was easy.’ Good joke, huh? – Jack Handey

I was heartbroken when I heard about all those people in the chernobyl nuclear meltdown. It would be kind of cool to have kids with two glowing heads, though. – Jack Handey

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers. – Jack Handey

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car—I forget what kind it was—and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ‘Dad.’ We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. – Jack Handey

I think that a hat that has a cannon that comes out, fires, and then goes back in is at least a decade away. – Jack Handey

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. – Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. – Jack Handey

When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you’d hear screams coming from all over the house…plus anyone who went in, never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderers house. – Jack Handey

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. – Jack Handey

If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now. – Jack Handey

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car. – Jack Handey

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. – Jack Handey

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, Log o’ fire! Log o’ fire! I’ve never done this, but I think it’d work. – Jack Handey

Why can’t the ant and the caterpillar just get along? One eats grass, the other eats Caterpillars… Oh, I see now. – Jack Handey

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, What was that?! – Jack Handey

If you’re ever on fire, I think it’s best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic. – Jack Handey

I once met an assassin who’s nickname was fart. I ask him why he has this nickname and he tells me it’s because he’s silent but deadly. – Jack Handey

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face – Jack Handey

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it’s gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus. – Jack Handey

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?! – Jack Handey

Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. – Jack Handey

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for better treatment? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games. – Jack Handey

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching. – Jack Handey

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says You. After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. – Jack Handey

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you’ll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that’s my point. – Jack Handey

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat. – Jack Handey

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.’ – Jack Handey

The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?! – Jack Handey

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did. – Jack Handey

If you are ever skydiving, and your parachute fails, and your friends are all watching youu fall, I think a good gag would be to pretend you’re swimming. – Jack Handey

Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them. – Jack Handey

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. – Jack Handey

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be Clark Kent, Dentist, because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, How’s my back tooth? and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, Oh it’s okay, then the patient would probably say, Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid? and you’d say, Aw fuck you, get outta here, and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill. – Jack Handey

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you. – Jack Handey

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. – Jack Handey

On the other hand, we have different fingers. – Jack Handey

Why do bunches of people run from a shark when they see one, if there is a bunch of people, and one of that shark, wouldn’t it be easy to just attack him and kick his ass? – Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. – Jack Handey

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture. – Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) – Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. – Jack Handey

If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down? Maybe if they screamed all the time for no good reason. – Jack Handey

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone. – Jack Handey

I think there probably should be a rule that if you’re talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it’s understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense. – Jack Handey

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, ‘I swallowed it. So sue me. – Jack Handey

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. – Jack Handey

When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy. – Jack Handey

I hope an animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs there because I might think I have a good idea but its really just the eggs hatching. – Jack Handey

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and_Superman away. – Jack Handey

Whenever anyone says I can’t, it makes me wish he’d get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says I’ll try, five thousand bees. I can, one bee. – Jack Handey

Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them impressions, and if you got a different impression, so what, can’t we all be brothers? – Jack Handey

Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, WooHoo, we’re rich! It turns out he meant something different. – Jack Handey

If a cop pulls you over for speeding and comes over and askes you how fast you were going, a good thing to say is ‘I dunno, i was speeding the whole time.’ – Jack Handey

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form ‘spokes.’ Happiness is when he stops. – Jack Handey

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron! and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice. Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. – Jack Handey

Sometimes when I drive through the country at night, I see deer crossing the road-a mommma and two babies. I think how sweet the lil babies look…and then i realize that they’re really illigitimate children. Poor deers… – Jack Handey

When the mashed potatoes and turkey are being served, take some of both. But hide your turkey under your mashed potatoes. When your family asks Don’t you want some turkey?, pull the turkey out from under the mashed potatoes and yell I tricked you!! – Jack Handey

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions? – Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) – Jack Handey

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. – Jack Handey

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a shell if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. – Jack Handey

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