137+ Best Joe Rogan Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Joseph James Rogan is an American comedian and podcast host. He has also worked as a mixed martial arts color commentator, television host, and occasional actor. Profoundly inspirational Joe Rogan quotes will fire up your brain and encourage you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for hilarious quotes from top comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of quotes by Kevin Hart, best Steve Harvey quotes and greatest Tina Fey quotes.

Famous Joe Rogan Quotes

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone. – Joe Rogan

The planet’s spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we’ve laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth. – Joe Rogan

If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe. – Joe Rogan

When you’re jealous, especially of someone else’s art or creations you automatically put up these selfish walls that reinforce your stupid ideas. It’s hard to pull those walls down and look at what you’re hiding. Look at your own weakness and realize that the jealousy came from knowing that you’re intimidated by someone else’s work, and that when you compare it to your own, you fall short. – Joe Rogan

People are scared man; they’re scared of the void. – Joe Rogan

I wouldn’t totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I’m not going to go out of my way. – Joe Rogan

It never hurt Lenny Bruce’s career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in. – Joe Rogan

A comic, all they have to do is, if you do something funny in a comedy club and you put it up on you tube, it might get a million hits! All it needs to do is resonate with one person who sends it to their friends, who sends it to other people, and before you know it, it has spread virally and BOOM! All of a sudden that person has a name. – Joe Rogan

I do cagefight commentary in my spare time. – Joe Rogan

If the world was an etch-a-sketch, glaciers are the big shake. – Joe Rogan

It’s impossible to measure the type of mental strength and determination that’s required to be an elite wrestler. – Joe Rogan

Have you ever talked to someone, and you’re not even really talking to them? Actors are the worst for that. – Joe Rogan

I thought eventually I’d have a family and I really didn’t want to be a loser like that guy in his 40s still shopping his band’s shitty demo tapes around. – Joe Rogan

I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you’re sparring or drilling techniques, you can’t think of anything else. – Joe Rogan

If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it? – Joe Rogan

The best way to pursue any discipline is the martial art way. – Joe Rogan

People love to see people fall. – Joe Rogan

There’s a classic story I tell about when I did the Man Show about the retarded conversations that you have with the executive producers and the network. – Joe Rogan

Cities are natural, that’s why they’re everywhere. It’s not like there’s only one city, and everybody’s like ‘What the f**k is this?’ No, cities are all over the place. They’re natural. You know what’s not natural? You, in the middle of the mountains, in the middle of the winter. – Joe Rogan

Having the privilege of sitting down and having 3 hour long uninterrupted conversations with hundreds of brilliant people is an awesome perspective enhancer. – Joe Rogan

Not all comedy clubs or situations are ideal, especially when you’re first coming up and I think that’s good for you. Eventually you get to express your real personality. – Joe Rogan

One of the things that happened is I did a lot of shitty gigs. When you do a bunch of shitty bar gigs you have to get used to people yelling at you, you’re used to thinking on the fly, to dealing with weird situations. – Joe Rogan

I don`t like people that make their living talking about bullshit, and you see them in many shows that are made on the same subject. When you go looking at UFOs or bigfoot or what-have-you, there’s just nothing there. – Joe Rogan

I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me. – Joe Rogan

Stand-up is still my favorite, but the podcast is a close second. It’s so fun, and it’s given me the opportunity to have three-hour conversations with people I wouldn’t have otherwise been able to talk to. When I talked to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I almost couldn’t believe it was happening. – Joe Rogan

Most of my bits are long stream-of-consciousness- type things, and when I’m doing them onstage, other places to take the theme or idea will hit me, and I just go with it. – Joe Rogan

Houston people are way cool. They’re smart, they know how to have a good time, and they have the hottest chicks on the planet there. – Joe Rogan

I want to make sure that everything that I’m creating, I’m creating it so other people get enjoyment out of it. And that’s the reward that you get for that. – Joe Rogan

I’ve been inspired by a shitload of people in my life so if there’s ever anybody that I can inspire, to me that’s a huge gift. To be able to turn that back around. – Joe Rogan

It’s a weird experience when you’re just trying to talk openly about how you think psychedelic drugs and marijuana are beneficial, or a lot of different drugs, especially plant-based ones, can be beneficial. Especially those ones that have some connection to organic life, I feel like you can learn something from them, from mushrooms, from peyote, from marijuana. They can be used as a tool. – Joe Rogan

No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend. – Joe Rogan

I think it would do a lot of people good just to realize how vulnerable they are. – Joe Rogan

I always try to look at conflicts from as many different angles as is humanly possible, and in a lot of ways there is no one answer. – Joe Rogan

Teaching someone that doesn’t know something forces you to think about almost every single aspect of it, including parts of it that you could sort of take for granted. – Joe Rogan

Kindness is one of the best gifts you can bestow… We know that inherently that feels great. – Joe Rogan

The beautiful thing about podcasting is it’s just talking. It can be funny, or it can be terrifying. It can be sweet. It can be obnoxious. It almost has no definitive form. In that sense it’s one of the best ways to explore an idea, and certainly much less limiting than trying to express the same idea in standup comedy. For some ideas stand up is best, but it’s really, really nice to have podcasts as well. – Joe Rogan

As a longtime practitioner of yoga and a person who’s been involved in physical fitness my whole life, I can tell you, yoga helps you achieve altered states of consciousness. It is not just stretching. The only way you can say that it’s stretching is if you haven’t done it, or that you haven’t done it rigorously for a long period of time. – Joe Rogan

After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It’s very weird. – Joe Rogan

Every single religion that has ever been on the face of the Earth, ever, is a cult. That’s all they are. – Joe Rogan

Choose To Be Inspired. – Joe Rogan

The sensory deprivation chamber has been the most important tool that I’ve ever used for developing my mind – Joe Rogan

I’m really happy that I’ve been able to make people laugh and distract them from their day to day bullshit at a comedy show or because they enjoyed one of my CDs or TV specials, but I don’t know how many people have actually had life changing thoughts because of it. – Joe Rogan

Martial arts are a vehicle for developing your human potential. – Joe Rogan

I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them – the sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible. – Joe Rogan

I think comedy because of the Internet it has a bigger audience, a bigger fan base. It has fans that understand comedy more than any generation before because there are more guys like you, more guys like me, more guys like Louie CK who talks about it a lot. When you get a chance to see perspective that I don’t think you ever got to see before. – Joe Rogan

By putting yourself in that intense form of stress, it makes regular life more peaceful. – Joe Rogan

Peter Joseph is asking the questions and proposing the possible solutions that we should be demanding from the elected leaders of this crazy world. His brilliant analysis of this ridiculous system we’re operating under is one of the most important voices for change in this generation. – Joe Rogan

For those that have said I seemed dickish to some of the nuttier guests on Joe Rogan Questions Everything – guilty as charged. As the season wore on, I lost my patience with some of those folks unfortunately. I think I overdosed on ridiculous/likely fake stories. I certainly learned a lot about the kind of people that invest a large portion of their life on fringe subjects – they’re all white. I think there’s something interesting about the subjects, (UFOS, etc) but the study of them has often been overrun by silly thinking. – Joe Rogan

Maybe we can combine 2 things that everybody loves. Helping out the poor and blow jobs. – Joe Rogan

One of the most fascinating lessons I’ve absorbed about life is that the struggle is good. – Joe Rogan

The people I know that have the hardest time keeping it together emotionally are people that don’t workout. – Joe Rogan

The time you spend hating on someone robs you of your own time. You are literally hating on yourself and you don’t even realize it. – Joe Rogan

The number one reason why marijuana is illegal is because the Pharma Cartel does not want you to grow your own medicine. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. The first car ever made ran on hemp oil. Hemp seeds are also the healthiest food on the planet with the highest protein content out of any plant. – Joe Rogan

So instead of investing your time in a passion, you’ve sold your life to work for an uncaring machine that doesn’t understand you. That’s the problem with our society. And what’s the reward? Go home and get a big TV. – Joe Rogan

In order to be truly great at something you have to give into a certain amount of madness. – Joe Rogan

Build confidence and momentum with each good decision you make from here on out and choose to be inspired. – Joe Rogan

Greatness and madness are next door neighbors; and they borrow each other’s sugar. You don’t get there without the other. – Joe Rogan

Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you’re trying to get laid. – Joe Rogan

Excellence in anything increases your potential in everything. – Joe Rogan

To really appreciate life, you got to know you’re going to die. – Joe Rogan

Live your life like you’re the hero in your movie and right now. – Joe Rogan

You’re just part of the soup of the universe, so just try to enjoy what’s good about it. – Joe Rogan

I’ll go to church with anyone who’s willing to smoke pot and look through a telescope with me. – Joe Rogan

You can’t measure what’s inside a man’s heart. – Joe Rogan

If you attach your mind to any ideology, you’re going to be on a road, and that road may or may not lead you in a good direction. But you’re gonna stay on that road because you are attached to an ideology. It could be a terrible road, but you stick with it regardless of rational thinking. – Joe Rogan

If life wasn’t real, it would be the craziest psychedelic trip ever – Joe Rogan

This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem, and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem. – Joe Rogan

Faith itself is a horrible mechanism that stunts the growth of ideas. It also stunts the act of questioning, and it does this by pushing the idea that you have to have faith – and that nothing has to be proven. – Joe Rogan

The Universe rewards calculated risk and passion – Joe Rogan

I realized a long time ago that instead of being jealous you can be inspired and appreciative. It carries more energy to you. – Joe Rogan

There’s a direct correlation between positive energy and positive results. – Joe Rogan

Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD. – Joe Rogan

Never stay in a bad marriage, and don’t hang around with psycho coke fiends. – Joe Rogan

The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing’s more disgusting than a guy who steals another person’s ideas and tries to claim them as his own. – Joe Rogan

The two things I understand best are stand-up comedy and martial arts. And those things require an ultimate grasp of the truth. You have to be objective about your skills and abilities to compete in both. – Joe Rogan

The audience changes every night. You’re the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh. – Joe Rogan

No matter how civilized we are and how much society has curbed violent behavior. Human beings still have the same genes they had 10,000 years ago. Our bodies are designed to have a certain amount of physical stress and violence in them. We’re designed to run from jaguars and fight to defend our territory. – Joe Rogan

You’re sort of programmed a certain way because of your environment. That’s all you know. But we don’t have that anymore because of the internet. Because of the internet we’re all communicating with each other all across the board, so you’re getting information from people all around the world, hitting a much more diverse slice of culture. – Joe Rogan

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. – Joe Rogan

If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure. – Joe Rogan

When you snatch little pieces of other people’s lives and try to palm them off as your own, that’s more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago. – Joe Rogan

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley’s very funny, very witty guy, very quick. – Joe Rogan

Reality really is theater. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic. – Joe Rogan

What’s interesting about science is that we’re constantly discovering new things about the universe, about ourselves, about our bodies, about diseases, about the possibilities of the future. It’s amazing. Science is one of the coolest things about being a human being – without a doubt. – Joe Rogan

People want their 15 minutes and are willing to do anything to get it. – Joe Rogan

When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it. – Joe Rogan

If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they’re brooding all the time. – Joe Rogan

I believe that we’re doing the right thing. The press doesn’t agree with the president on these things. The people I speak to assure me he is doing the right thing. – Joe Rogan

has paid him so well, he’s hired a camera crew to follow him around on tour. The edited results appear on his website (JoeRogan.net) in regular installments called the ”JoeShow. – Joe Rogan

I’ve known that guy for over 10 years, and he’s been stealing jokes and denying it from Day One, … Joke thieves are a huge problem in the stand-up comedy community, and every now and then one of them becomes successful. That’s what you’re looking at here with ‘Carlos.’ – Joe Rogan

I’m afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is. – Joe Rogan

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don’t know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. – Joe Rogan

You could smell my ass from mars. – Joe Rogan

There’s a confidence and a mental toughness that comes from the very highest level of competition, whatever the sport is. Whether it’s boxing or wrestling, or whatever. – Joe Rogan

I really never thought people would think that I was funny, I thought (my friends) thought I was funny because I was their friend, but other people would just think I was an asshole. I was at least partly right. – Joe Rogan

If I could make the same amount of money doing standup it would be no contest. The problem is that if you do make that kind of money doing standup, it’s not in clubs, it’s in big auditoriums and large venues, and I really think something is lost when you do standup for a big crowd. – Joe Rogan

I never want to compromise my act just to get a laugh. – Joe Rogan

If you haven’t peed the bed, you haven’t taken enough chances. – Joe Rogan

My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they’re my best friends. – Joe Rogan

I’ve been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC. – Joe Rogan

The Comedy Store in LA, it’s a really loose room and it’s really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage. – Joe Rogan

But it’s hard for a chick to do comedy. It’s not as open for them. – Joe Rogan

The mind is the most important thing of the big picture and no one has a stronger mindset than amateur wrestlers. – Joe Rogan

Although not considered a martial art, boxing is really a martial art. It’s a very limited martial art as long as you agree to just box… but in an actual physical fight against someone who’s just a wrestler, you’re going to get killed. – Joe Rogan

I really feel like it’s a travesty to make a child famous. I really do. – Joe Rogan

On my left knee I have a long scar from an ACL operation. I’ve had both knees reconstructed. – Joe Rogan

People for the most part can smell lies, at least I thought that until I saw audiences applaud at Carlos Mencia. – Joe Rogan

So many times I’ve done a CD, and then the week after I record it, I’ve got this new tagline that’s killer. And it makes the whole bit better. It happens all the time. But that’s just the process of comedy. – Joe Rogan

Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce. – Joe Rogan

My company is called Talking Monkey, Inc. It’s because that’s what I think all people are: talking monkeys. – Joe Rogan

I had a sense of who I was before I got famous. – Joe Rogan

Despite all the advancements in science, and all things about religion that are disproved it still marches on. The bottom line is that the only real, absolutely provable answers about life and our place in the universe are provided by science, and religion has been holding down science since day one. – Joe Rogan

When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men. – Joe Rogan

Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken. – Joe Rogan

Someone else’s success does not equal a failure for you. – Joe Rogan

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don’t really worry that much about what other people think of me. – Joe Rogan

Well you see, Brazilian JiuJitsu Blackbelts have a blackbelt in…… Brazilian JiuJitsu – Joe Rogan

Houston Alexander is for real! – Joe Rogan

If Tyson Griffin was a girl, I’d say he has a badonkadonk. – Joe Rogan

A unicorn is a donkey from the future – Joe Rogan

It’s a very strange thing when you make nature illegal. – Joe Rogan

I’ve done jiujitsu a huge chunk of my life, and I try to spend a lot of time educating people on the nuances, the subtleness of the ground game. It’s a big part of mixed martial arts. – Joe Rogan

One of the great things about Houston is that they police themselves. It’s the way Boston was in the ’80s. No hacks or thieves are tolerated in the community, and that’s HUGE. – Joe Rogan

Omigawa is moving forward like a karate robot – Joe Rogan

I prefer older people to college kids [as audience] for the most part. I want people with life experience, people that understand where I’m coming from. – Joe Rogan

I love existing in pre big bang conditions. – Joe Rogan

I read the things that scientists have figured out, and apply what they say is beneficial, but at the end of the day I’m the wrong person to get unchallenged nutritional advice from. – Joe Rogan

I don’t care if you’re gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It’s all an illusion. – Joe Rogan

I’m a nightclub comic. That’s what I do. I work in the clubs uncensored because my mind is uncensored, and those are the thoughts that I have. I do the kind of comedy that I would enjoy seeing. – Joe Rogan

I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator. – Joe Rogan

Your bodies really only meant to compete at the highest levels of combat sports for a few years. – Joe Rogan

When a ball goes into a net it only means something because we decided it means something. When somebody punches somebody in the face it always means something. – Joe Rogan

Jiu-Jitsu has been one of the most valuable tools I’ve ever had in my life. – Joe Rogan

A lot of times, you beat a person who beat a person who can beat you. I mean, it doesn’t make any sense. – Joe Rogan

I’m a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them. – Joe Rogan

It’s painful for me to watch someone who isn’t funny. It’s horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks. – Joe Rogan

There’s a lot of people that I disagree with that I think I could have interesting conversations with. What I don’t want to get into is manufactured conflict. I would much rather talk to someone like Dr. Rhonda Patrick or Randall Carlson and be mesmerized by information. I guess in a way that’s selfish, or maybe not objective of me. The older (and hopefully wiser) I get the less interested I am in conflict. I don’t mind disagreeing with people in a civil way, but I definitely don’t want to go out of my way to have an argument unless it’s a really important subject. – Joe Rogan

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