64+ Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes & Jokes To Make You Laugh

John Edmund Mulaney is an American stand-up comedian and a writer who is best known for his work in the American late-night live television show ‘Saturday Night Live’. He created and played the lead role in the American TV comedy series ‘Mulaney’, where he portrayed a fictionalized version of himself. The funniest John Mulaney quotes will have you crying of laughter and get you through the day.

If you’re searching for famous quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Rodney Dangerfield quotes, funny Steven Wright quotes, and best George Carlin quotes.

Best John Mulaney Quotes

I look back on being 17 and think, Oh my God, how did I not die? John Mulaney

Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately and they’ll be like Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like No, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all. John Mulaney

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. John Mulaney

Traveling can get kind of lonely sometimes, er no, not traveling. What is the word? Life. Life can get kind of lonely. John Mulaney

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. John Mulaney

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. John Mulaney

I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. John Mulaney

I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room. John Mulaney

My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. John Mulaney

My vibe is like, hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap, and I’ll apologise to you. John Mulaney

Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti  those were the people I was always doing open mics with. John Mulaney

I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room. John Mulaney

I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the 80s. Every comedian. John Mulaney

Sometimes I  with comedy, it’s like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, Hi! I’m and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over. John Mulaney

Being president looks like the worst job in the world. John Mulaney

It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase? Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. John Mulaney

My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. John Mulaney

I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, Oh, yeah, I could be like that. John Mulaney

I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for, like, 28 years. John Mulaney

My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. John Mulaney

My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan? John Mulaney

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. John Mulaney

If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial. John Mulaney

I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth? and I said, Yes, But here’s the thing. John Mulaney

I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. John Mulaney

When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. John Mulaney

If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter. John Mulaney

Being president looks like the worst job in the world. John Mulaney

It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them. John Mulaney

It’s important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. John Mulaney

You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about. John Mulaney

As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert. John Mulaney

When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, Hey look at that man, they’re just like Woah, that tall child looks terrible. John Mulaney

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome. John Mulaney

I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. John Mulaney

I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the 80s. Every comedian. John Mulaney

Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30s as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. John Mulaney

The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that when a movie comes out, everyone should give it four stars because it was accomplished. John Mulaney

Most open mic experiences I had were okay. John Mulaney

I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian American. John Mulaney

Now I get to say, my wife which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say my wife. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. Get away from my wife! No one talk to my wife! I didn’t kill my wife!John Mulaney

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. John Mulaney

For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all Eye of the Tiger and soldiers on. John Mulaney

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. John Mulaney

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. John Mulaney

I look back on being 17 and think, Oh my God, how did I not die? John Mulaney

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. John Mulaney

It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, Yeah, you should be nervous. Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, Relax. Shut up. And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy. John Mulaney

You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. John Mulaney

It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of Law Order in my apartment. John Mulaney

You ever seen on America’s Most Wanted when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like This is what he would look like now. John Mulaney

I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. John Mulaney

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true. John Mulaney

I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. What do I do in that situation? Get through it. John Mulaney

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! John Mulaney

Stand up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. John Mulaney

Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?John Mulaney

You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. John Mulaney

My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights. John Mulaney

When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. John Mulaney

I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. John Mulaney

My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you. John Mulaney

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