40+ Best Johnny Carson Quotes: Exclusive Selection

John William Carson was an American television host, writer, producer, and comedian who, as host of The Tonight Show from 1962 to 1992. Carson established the standard format for television chat shows and came to be considered the king of late-night television. Inspirational Johnny Carson quotes, catchphrases and one liners will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for funny quotes by famous comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of quotes by W.C. Fields, best Charlie Chaplin quotes and greatest Joe Rogan quotes.

Famous Johnny Carson Quotes

Did you know that Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? By the way, Nixon isn’t worried about the gas shortage and that’s understandable, of course. Everything’s downhill for him. Johnny Carson

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around. Johnny Carson

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor’s vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony. Johnny Carson

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented. Johnny Carson

Before the show tonight, a sweet, elderly lady came up to me and says, You know, I’d like to capture you on canvas. I says, You mean, you’d like to paint my portrait? And she says, No, I’ve got an army cot in my Winnebago. Johnny Carson

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum siding salesman. Johnny Carson

Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: Are your ready? Johnny Carson

Whatever you do, you’re going to be criticized. Johnny Carson

I am one of the lucky People in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. Johnny Carson

I get sick of that old rationalization, We’re staying together because of the children. Kids couldn’t be more miserable living with parents who can’t stand each other. They’re far better off if there’s an honest, clean divorce. Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and People keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson

If God didn’t want man to hunt, He wouldn’t have given us plaid shirts. Johnny Carson

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds  one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively  the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. Johnny Carson

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty. Johnny Carson

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say Storms suck!Johnny Carson

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. Johnny Carson

I’m an entertainer, not a commentator. If you’re a comedian your job is to make people laugh Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president. Johnny Carson

If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners. Johnny Carson

Desire! That’s the one secret of every man’s career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire. Johnny Carson

In Hollywood if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy. Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved. Johnny Carson

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat. Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. Johnny Carson

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there’s something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions. Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. Johnny Carson

There’s only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I’m secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don’t need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.

I was going to hang it up on the twenty fifth year of this show. I don’t know why. Maybe twenty five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while. Johnny Carson

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. Johnny Carson

To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes When People say, Well, he’s stuck up. Stuck up’ is only another word for self conscious. Johnny Carson

And so it has come to this: I, uh am one of the lucky People in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. I want to thank the gentlemen who’ve shared this stage with me for thirty years, Mr. Ed McMahon  Mr. Doc Severinsen and you People watching, I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you and I hope When I find something that I want to do, and I think you would like, and come back, that you’ll be as gracious in inviting me into your home as you have been. I bid you a very heartfelt good night. Johnny Carson

There’s a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I’m far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that’s pretty solid, that does it for me. Johnny Carson

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in. Johnny Carson

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it’s ear. Johnny Carson

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, “It was all right but I liked the book better. Johnny Carson

I don’t run with anybody’s herd. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like going to fancy places. I don’t like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it. Johnny Carson

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. Johnny Carson

Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead. Johnny Carson