40+ Best Johnny Carson Quotes: Exclusive Selection

John William Carson was an American television host, writer, producer, and comedian who, as host of The Tonight Show from 1962 to 1992. Carson established the standard format for television chat shows and came to be considered the king of late-night television. Inspirational Johnny Carson quotes, catchphrases and one liners will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for funny quotes by famous comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of quotes by W.C. Fields, best Charlie Chaplin quotes and greatest Joe Rogan quotes.

Famous Johnny Carson Quotes

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

The mind starts to do things that you didn’t even realize it could do. I suppose it’s the manipulation.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

In Hollywood, if you don’t have a shrink, people think you are crazy.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Whatever you do, you’re going to be criticized.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it is unsolved.

Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover spam.

Only lie about the future.

Inspirational Johnny Carson Quotes

Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: ‘Are your ready?’

I owe one thing to my public – the best performance I can give.

I am an entertainer, not a commentator. If you are a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he’s been accepted to an expensive college.

Amazing Johnny Carson Quotes

Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace.

Just be yourself, it’s the only way it can work.

Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you are hungry.

If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

People will pay more to be entertained than to be educated.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Desire! That’s the one secret of every man’s career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire.

There comes a time or moment when you know in which direction you’re going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young.

What’s all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

The good news is that the President gets another chance. The bad news is that he’ll be two weeks older.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year – and then discover once a year is way too often.

Find me any performer who is not egocentric.

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