“I don’t think the world is going to have a peaceful ending but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t enjoy life and fight for as long as I can to be happy.”
I’m tired, folks. That’s as honest as I can be. I’ve been fighting PTSD alone for about two years now and it has to be one of the most tiring things I’ve ever done in my life. It’s like I’m fighting against a ninja warrior who keeps getting stronger every time I throw a damn punch.
A lot has been happening in my life recently and it gives me pause.
Except for the past two days, the last time I got any sleep at all was last Monday. I think it’s my brain’s way of saying that I need to take a few steps back and really think about where I am in life. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I’ve been considering going away for a while, now, to find myself. We’ll see what happens.
I’ve been reading some of my favorite blogs recently and some of my thoughts are “They’ve been blogging for over five years now! Wow. I can’t do half of what they’re doing. I’ve been blogging for about one year now (consistently, with my current blog) and I’m already running out of inspiration as well as ideas. These writers are talented.”
Writing hasn’t been coming naturally to me, lately. The only thing that has kept me going recently is my therapist. After my most recent conversation with her, I thought to myself “When did I get so lucky to have such an awesome therapist without things going wrong?!”
I stopped seeing my trainer, of course. My symptoms haven’t made it at all easy for me to be in such a personal, vulnerable environment with someone who’s helping you get stronger without dissociation getting in the way. So, I took a few steps back and am giving myself some time away from all of that.
Here’s the thing, though. Through all of this, there’s one thing that I’ve learned. Circumstances in life don’t change what’s right and wrong. There may not be a clear path for me to take, but the right thing is certainly to keep trying. I have a supportive therapists, tools like writing, hobbies in technology and entertainment, friendship, etc. Those don’t necessarily all have to be going amazingly. They simply have to exist in the present.
There’s a quote by Lao Tzu that inspired me the other day and got me thinking. It went something like: “If you’re depressed, you’re living in the past. If you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. If you’re at peace, you’re living in the present.”
Again… this gives me pause. There’s a lot of work I need to do on myself and part of that work involves me being even more open than I’ve been in therapy, being even more truthful with myself and more motivated to forge myself into the man I want others to see me as. After all, that’s what life is about. Strength. It’s not always about winning. In fact, it’s rarely ever about winning. It’s about your willingness to keep fighting even when it all seems like a huge mistake or waste of time. It’s about having tenacity, a little insanity and the inspiration to be better than you were the day before.
On the lighter side of things, I’ve installed a new ROM on my Nexus 6. Pure Nexus ROM proves to be the best and most stable ROM I’ve ever used in the history of everything. Hopefully I’ll make a follow-up post on the tech side of things soon. For now, though, I’ll be away for a while, working on myself.