Lawrence Gene David is an American comedian, writer, actor, director, and television producer. He and Jerry Seinfeld created the television series Seinfeld, of which David was the head writer and executive producer for the first seven seasons. Profoundly inspirational Larry David quotes will encourage you to think a little deeper than you usually would and broaden your perspective.
If you’re searching for famous comedy quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of famous Richard Pryor quotes, greatest Ricky Gervais quotes and powerful Russell Brand quotes.
Famous Larry David Quotes
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man there’s your diamond in the rough. Larry David
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes. Larry David
I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore. Larry David
Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good. Larry David
When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom. Larry David
You can’t do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare. Larry David
My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. Larry David
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied. Larry David
I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. Larry David
When I was living in New York and didn’t have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I’d think, that’ll be good, that’ll be a good spot for me when I’m homeless. Larry David
My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver. Larry David
I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I’d rather give them things than time. Larry David
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. Larry David
An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole. Larry David
I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. Larry David
When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands. Larry David
I’m cranky. Larry David
She was breaking the rules! She wasn’t following the rules of society. The unwritten rules that we have as we go about our day. Like at night, you tiptoe, that’s an unwritten rule, you tiptoe, so you don’t wake people up, there’s no sign tıptoe, you just have to be smart enough and considerate enough to do it. Larry David
Sure, being a reservist wasn’t as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. Larry David
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman. Larry David
My life has changed. I’m not walking around any more wishing I wasn’t me, which was the case at one time. Larry David
Shouldn’t be having a birthday party two weeks after your birthday. Okay, three days, no more than that though, it’s not your birthday anymore! There’s gotta be a time, there’s gotta be a cutoff point where you can’t have birthday parties. You’re so desperate for a party that you have to have a party two weeks after? Wait till next year, you missed it! Larry David
I think Michael Moore is a hero. Larry David
A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone. Larry David
Golf and dating don’t mix. Larry David
The one thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn’t take any shit from magicians. Larry David
I tell people that I’ve now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. Larry David
One thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn’t take any shit from magicians. Larry David
Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base. Larry David
I go out to dinner, I wind up I with a homework assignment. Larry David
I am not honest. Larry David
I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. Larry David
People don’t yell nasty things at actors they let them continue. Larry David
Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair. Change my name, just see what happens. Larry David
I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, Hey, I’ve still got it. Larry David
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes. Larry David
At first, I didn’t realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. Larry David
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied. Larry David
Most people think I’m immodest. Larry David
I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish. Larry David
I couldn’t be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. Larry David
Let’s go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob. Larry David
Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I’m basically inside, I’m a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. Larry David
I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. Larry David
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. Larry David
Can I apologize for the apology? Larry David
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad. Larry David
I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous. Larry David
Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. Larry David
A lie is a gesture, it’s a courtesy, it’s a little respect! Larry David
If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. Larry David
If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable but not as miserable. Larry David
The addition of nuts in salad. I always find to be beneficial. Larry David
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad. Larry David
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. Larry David
Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it. Larry David
Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate. Larry David
I just I can’t stand the sound of the human voice. Larry David
Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. Larry David
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. Larry David
The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don’t like to have hot food for lunch. Larry David
I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I’d rather give them things than time. Larry David
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! Larry David
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. Larry David
There are times when I’m driving home after a day’s shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would’ve been so much better if I had written it out. Larry David
When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street things like that. Larry David
Millions of people are married. I’ve never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! Larry David
The customer is usually a moron and an asshole. Larry David
Let’s not forget, I got divorced. Larry David
A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone. Larry David
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. Larry David
I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. Larry David
I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. Larry David
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man there’s your diamond in the rough. Larry David
I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money this is the guy who needs to laugh. Larry David
When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands. Larry David
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. Larry David
Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of license and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally. Larry David
I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word happy has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, happy. Larry David
Women love a self confident bald man. Larry David
I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed. Larry David
There’s nothing that reflects me. I’m unreflectable! Larry David
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. Larry David
When I was living in New York and didn’t have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets, and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I’d think, that’ll be good, that’ll be a good spot for me when I’m homeless. Larry David
I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous. Larry David
Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here because I’m basically inside, I’m a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. Larry David
I don’t take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. Larry David
I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. Larry David
I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. Larry David
All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it. Larry David
I’m a walking, talking enigma. Larry David
You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid. Larry David
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. Larry David
I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. Larry David
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. Larry David
I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. Larry David
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. Larry David
Eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. Larry David
You know, I’m really not that bright. Larry David
