60+ Best Larry David Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Lawrence Gene David is an American comedian, writer, actor, director, and television producer. He and Jerry Seinfeld created the television series Seinfeld, of which David was the head writer and executive producer for the first seven seasons. Profoundly inspirational Larry David quotes will encourage you to think a little deeper than you usually would and broaden your perspective.

If you’re searching for famous comedy quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of famous Richard Pryor quotes, greatest Ricky Gervais quotes and powerful Russell Brand quotes.

Famous Larry David Quotes

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

You can’t do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.

You know, I’m really not that bright.

When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish.

I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money – this is the guy who needs to laugh.

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me.

A lie is a gesture, it’s a courtesy, it’s a little respect!

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street – things like that.

Inspirational Larry David Quotes

I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my name, just see what happens.

I don’t take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

Sure, being a reservist wasn’t as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

It Was Supposed To Say ‘Beloved Aunt,’ Not ‘Beloved C***!’

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of license and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.

It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Most people think I’m immodest.

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here because I’m – basically inside, I’m a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.

I can’t stand reading anything that I’ve said.

I’m surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

The one thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn’t take any shit from magicians.

It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn’t happen that often.

When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.

When I was living in New York and didn’t have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets, and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I’d think, that’ll be good, that’ll be a good spot for me when I’m homeless.

Let’s go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad.

Amazing Larry David Quotes

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.

I just – I can’t stand the sound of the human voice.

The customer is usually a moron and an asshole.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I’d rather give them things than time.

I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous.

I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied.

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

I don’t like to say anything good. I feel like I’ll jinx myself.

All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed.

There’s nothing that reflects me. I’m unreflectable!

Whenever something good happens to me, it’s usually followed by something terrible.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.

Can I apologize for the apology?

Eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.