41+ Best Lewis Grizzard Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Lewis McDonald Grizzard Jr. was an American writer and humorist, known for his Southern demeanor and commentary on the American South. He recalled the mythic South with folksy humor and nostalgia.

If you’re searching for amazing quotes by greatest authors that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Tom Wolfe quotes, wise Dorothy Parker quotes, and famous Harlan Ellison quotes.

Most Famous Lewis Grizzard Quotes

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato. – Lewis Grizzard

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence. – Lewis Grizzard

In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to somethin’. – Lewis Grizzard

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it. – Lewis Grizzard

There’s no such thing as being too Southern. – Lewis Grizzard

Have you done your homework? my mother would ask. I’ll do it later. You will do it now, young man. I don’t want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica. Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy. – Lewis Grizzard

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. – Lewis Grizzard

It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month. – Lewis Grizzard

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different. – Lewis Grizzard

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’ – Lewis Grizzard

Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing. – Lewis Grizzard

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. – Lewis Grizzard

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards. – Lewis Grizzard

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. – Lewis Grizzard

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck. – Lewis Grizzard

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done. – Lewis Grizzard

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. – Lewis Grizzard

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi – Lewis Grizzard

I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower. – Lewis Grizzard

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out. – Lewis Grizzard

If i ever get back to georgia, I’m gonna nail my feet to the ground. – Lewis Grizzard

Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again? – Lewis Grizzard

I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them. – Lewis Grizzard

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it. – Lewis Grizzard

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married. – Lewis Grizzard

The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one. – Lewis Grizzard

If you ain’t the lead dog, the view never changes. – Lewis Grizzard

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say I’m not certain, but it could have been the one that says ‘Dining Car in opposite direction’. – Lewis Grizzard

Let’s all start walking more and driving less. – Lewis Grizzard

If Love Were Oil, / I’d Be About a Quart Low. – Lewis Grizzard

Springtime is the land awakening. – Lewis Grizzard

When my love comes back from the ladies’ room, will I be too old to care? – Lewis Grizzard

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat. – Lewis Grizzard

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago. – Lewis Grizzard

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease. – Lewis Grizzard

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing. – Lewis Grizzard

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work. – Lewis Grizzard

Elvis is dead and I don’t feel good for myself. – Lewis Grizzard

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard. – Lewis Grizzard

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