Hello, I’m Roisin and I’m a new author to this site- I’m so grateful and so surprised at being invited to share with this community!
I figured my best way to begin my journey here is to give a recap on what my own ‘journey’ is.
So that’s how we got here… This post is the beginning of what I’m sure will be a very up, down, funny, sad and eventful journey! My journey & story in real time…
I wrote this 13 days ago, on my website: www.roisinsarahgallacher.com …
Me & My Shadow
Here we are again, back to the keyboard with more nervousness than I ever had writing that first blog post (a shamefully long 33 days ago!).
You see, when I wrote that initial post I was so excited about what the future of this blog might be, and my future in general really. I had high hopes of beauty posts, fashion related updates along with some (hopefully) hilarious updates on day-to-day life of being a girl in her twenties. Don’t get me wrong, I also had the hope that these posts would result in some fabulous freebies from nice companies, everyone loves a freebie, you’re at it if you say you don’t!
Things have changed though, shifted if you will.
Don’t get me wrong I am still 100% excited about this blog and about the future and all that stuff but I suppose there’s something tainting all that for me at the minute, lurking about in the background like that one person everyone’s had in their life at some point.
That person that has a snide remark every so often, the person that you pretend doesn’t bother you but really their remarks cut much closer to the bone than we care to admit. That person that can make you feel pretty shitty about yourself with so little as a look, never mind a word (You know the type, often can be girls you don’t even know that give you the eye when you’re out in town, or in any Girls Bathroom). The person that can make you feel like you’re not worthy and makes the idea of staying in bed all day very appealing indeed, because going out into the world seems a bit scarier after that person’s made you feel so down on yourself.
I’m sure everyone’s experienced that at some point, not to the same extremes but we’ve all had our experience of someone or something getting to us like that. I was one of those people that pretended that never happened to me, one of those people that could easily shrug off all those feelings and move on from them, no problem, usually with a funny story to accompany the encounter and just now much I didn’t care about it.
Well, I thought I was…
Really I’m not, but then no one is – we’ve all just got our ‘face’, you know the one, smiling although you want to cry or punch someone, that face. We alllll have ‘A Face’.
For me recently, the thing that’s been making me feel like that, making me feel like hiding under the covers sounds much more appealing than going out and about hasn’t even been a person.
More like a shadow, that’s been lurking about and making itself more and more known.
My Shadow isn’t one of the nice ones from Peter Pan that’s mischievous and a bit of a laugh, My Shadow’s a big cloud of doom and gloom, the fucker.
My Shadow has the power to make me feel scared, not good enough,pathetic, stupid, incompetent, not-worthty, ugly, down, like crying, out of place, lost and alone.
Professional type folk, doctors and the like, refer to my Shadow as Anxiety and Depression.
Shite, utter shite is what they are – the depression and anxiety I mean, certainly not the doctors, they’ve been lovely.
Even worse than my silly Shadow is / was my attitude towards it, which I’m now making the effort to change, starting today, with this blog post.
I am / was totally embarrassed about it, refused to tell or allow anyone to be told the reason I’ve been off of work or even that I’ve been off of work… and I can’t be 100% sure but I’m like 99% positive that me feeling that is a way of making that Shadow much bigger and giving it much more power.
I am still totally devastated about the whole situation really, devastated at not being at work and devastated at not being able to feel like Me, the Me I’ve come to know and actually quite like over the past 23 years.
Mental health is supposedly much more ‘talked about’ now and there’s ‘more understanding’ blah, blah.
Sure, there is, I guess.
Didn’t make me feel anymore comfortable with the idea of people knowing I’m ill in the head, though.
You see, to a lot of people, a girl in her early twenties with a full-time job (that she loves, by the way), an amazing family that couldn’t be anymore loving and supportive, a long term boyfriend who is the absolute love of her life, a fabulous group of friends and an out of this world wardrobe (my pride and joy) should have nothing to feel ‘down’ or ‘sad’ about.
Simply put, that’s just not the case.
In my life and everyone’s life we all have things going on that aren’t perfect, sure on Facebook / Instagram, even on Snapchat everything looks fabulous because in those snapshots of life things are fabulous!
And that’s the thing that I’m only just starting to realise that some days, even with this Shadow lurking about, things are fabulous. Amazing memories can totally be made and that doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty, or like the way you feel the other 6 days of the week is any less justified.
It’s okay to be happy and not feel guilty about still not really coping…
I’m rambling away now, as always – I did promise ramblings so don’t say you weren’t warned!
Anyway, the point I suppose I’m trying to reach is this blog has just got a million times more personal for me and I never really thought it would take this route, but it feels right for me.
Today I want to take a leap, to try and help me help myself.
I thought that maybe if I’m feeling this as a girl alone in her room that there might be other people out there too, also not feeling their best. I, in no way, think my silly ramblings will help anyone but I know I would really have appreciated at least knowing it was kinda normal to sometimes feel like this, to have to go to the doctor and cry (which I totally did) and get help. It’s okay for it to take time to get better (which believe me it really is, so far) and really we’ve all got our struggles and just because an illness isn’t a broken leg or something visible, it’s actually okay to talk about it – Even as a girl in her twenties.
This blog is going to be my journey.
Still with all the funny stories and adventures… But also tales of this bloody Shadow and my journey to shining some light to get rid of the pain in the arse.
Please, feel free to follow it, laugh at it, cry at it, whatever you feel you want to do – just don’t be negative nelly, a) because no one likes a negative nelly and b) as I’ve said my Shadow already has enough negativeness for everyone.
I’ll be back very soon again with another post, this now really is the start of something big for me and I am scared to death of sharing it all but I think deep down it is really, really going to help.
Step one of getting my sparkle back, one little bit at a time.
My site: www.rosisinsarahgallacher.com