Stress is the bane of my existence. It ruins my mood, kills my self-esteem, cancels my sociability, and puts me in a vicious cycle. Usually, I can dispel it either through writing, dancing, or drawing. Not this time. Meditation, as it seems, is the cure
As I stood in the shower yesterday, I almost wanted to collapse under the weight of all the conflicting thoughts racing through my head. I was upset, afraid, and confused. It took all of my energy just to lather shampoo into my hair and, afterwards, I remember feeling so overwhelmed that I just couldn’t continue. Something had to be done.
I trudged into my bedroom and told myself, “Just meditate.” Meditation is supposed to clear the mind, I figured, it’s exactly the medicine I need right now. I laid down on the bed and immediately began scolding myself for doing it wrong. Meditation means sitting up in the lotus position, not curling up on a blanket in the fetal position. That was the last straw. Meditation is about freeing the mind and, yet, there I was worried about doing it properly. Maybe it was because I was about as sick and tired as I could handle or maybe it was because I legitimately was seeking salvation, but I managed to clear my mind within a couple seconds. After a few minutes, I was soaring. And then I fell asleep for fifteen minutes but, it was a good thing, because it showed that I was relaxed enough to spontaneously nap. (Or I was just tired from not sleeping well for the past few days.)
This experience (I don’t want to call it full-blown meditation because it technically wasn’t) showed me that I don’t have to scared or upset or stressed out. It’s okay for me to be calm and collected even though I don’t have any answers to my questions. The crazy thing? Even as I type this up, my mind is still completely silent. As an introvert, a silent mind is almost unattainable. Where has meditation been all of my life? I’m already looking forward to doing it tomorrow!
After just thirty minutes, counting the nap, my thought processes became centered again. I was able to focus completely on the task at hand, for example my philosophy reading, without stressing out in the background or letting my attention wander. My thoughts began flowing again meaning there was progression to them instead of “Remember what mum said that offended you?” “AAAGGGHHH.” Once that progression came back, I re-gained full control over my mental state. I’m free!
A few truths that I uncovered after those thirty minutes that I was unable to decipher previously no matter how hard I tried….
Making friends in university is tough. There’s no time to socialize in class, I don’t live on campus, everyone eats lunch at different times, people gravitate towards people they know, and I just don’t like surface-level relationships. I don’t know if everyone I see walking in pairs has surface-level relationships and are okay with that or if they actually broke the barriers and got to know the other person deeply.
My mum’s questioning my dreams, suggesting I embark down an easier career path. But I have no intention of doing it. Is it so wrong for me to go towards a dream I can’t fully see but sets my soul on fire?
Statistics isn’t my strong suit. I never got to study it in high school because I got a year behind when I had no choice but to re-take algebra. Apparently, the cycle wasn’t done with me yet. I have a plan to build a foundation of some form in statistics but I don’t know if I can’t do it. And if I can’t properly see my dream in the first place, should I even dare to shamble and crawl towards it?
I didn’t even know what questions to ask before, but now I know exactly what I’m trying to answer. Meditation saved my mental well-being and I’m looking forward to doing it everyday from now on to maintain this stability and, perhaps, uncover the answers I’m searching for.
I’ll take it one step at at time: tomorrow I’ll try sitting up, next week I’ll try not to fall asleep straight afterwards, and I’ll keep improving until I’m where I want to be. Because it’s worth it and…stress sucks.
P.S. Have any of you ever meditated? What was your experience like? Are you still meditating now? How do you meditate? Why do you meditate? Feel free to answer any of these questions, maybe even all of them if you’re so inclined, in the comments below! If you like what you read, don’t forget to check out my blog for more like it! (Do you like the picture? I made it!)