Mirage

Mirage

The dictionary defines a mirage as something illusionary — something unreal.

When I was a kid, I was fascinated with movies and television shows because they were reassuring. You always knew who the heroes and villains were. When you grow up, you realize that life isn’t so black and white; people are seldom who they say they are and you have to accept the fact that you play one of those two roles in your own life.

The biggest question you have to ask yourself is: Which one am I? The way you live your life is often the best answer you could ever hope for. Actions speak louder than words.

There’s a saying I was often told when I was a child. In English, it roughly translates to: “No enemy is capable of hurting you the way you’re capable of hurting yourself. Only you can be your own worst enemy.”

For the past few years, I’ve been holding onto this anger I feel for myself and my abuser. It then hit me: holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is senseless and pointless. The best thing I could do for myself is accept the hand I’ve been dealt and forge my own destiny free from my traumas. Remember, just because you’re moving on in life, that doesn’t mean you have to forget what came before.

I look at life and depression like a plate of food. The more food on your plate you have, the better. Let’s say you hate salad. If your whole meal is a salad, you’re going to dread eating lunch. But if you have some salad and then a favorite food of yours, the salad suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. If all I’m doing throughout the day is getting sucked into my past, my whole day is going to suck. But if I’m going to the gym, sitting in a cafe, going for walks, etc. then when I do feel bad, suddenly it won’t feel as intense.

Remember that life is a reflection of who you are and the choices you make. There’s nothing you may be able to do about the bad days, but you can learn to change the way you think and cherish the small little good moments you have throughout the week or throughout your day, whichever comes first.

My week has been so difficult that it’s even hard for me to formulate complete thoughts. PTSD will do that to you. Flashbacks and abrupt body memories are a real b***h. I guess, though, that it’s just your mind reminding you of all it went through and survived, so maybe I shouldn’t be taking it for granted. After all, it did protect me. Now I return the favor by healthily trying to accept and process it. Turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, as they say. 

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