Mitchell Lee Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Funny, witty, yet inspirational Mitch Hedberg quotes and jokes make you laugh every time.
If you’re searching for funny quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of John Mulaney quotes, sarcastic Rodney Dangerfield quotes, and best Steven Wright quotes.
Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.
I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Amazing Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again!
My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird *ss quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
My hotel doesn’t have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c’mon man… People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger.
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, Sorry, we’re closed. You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load sh*t into a truck.
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
That would be cool if you could eat good food with bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.
I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
I saw a commercial on late-night TV, it said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.
Inspirational Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say I’m hungry”, so it died.
You know when it comes to racism, people say: I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green… Ooh, hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em.
I’ve got an idea for sweatshops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.’
Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. Look what I got m*therf*cker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.
This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’… Which means it’s dirty.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.