85+ Most Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Mitchell Lee Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Funny, witty, yet inspirational Mitch Hedberg quotes and jokes make you laugh every time.

If you’re searching for funny quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of John Mulaney quotes, sarcastic Rodney Dangerfield quotes, and best Steven Wright quotes.

Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. – Mitch Hedberg

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. – Mitch Hedberg

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. – Mitch Hedberg

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’! – Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. – Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. – Mitch Hedberg

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. – Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day. – Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. – Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. – Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus? – Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers.So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were. – Mitch Hedberg

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say I’m gonna go shave, too. – Mitch Hedberg

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. – Mitch Hedberg

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died. – Mitch Hedberg

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny. – Mitch Hedberg

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down. – Mitch Hedberg

If I had a dollar for every time, I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way. – Mitch Hedberg

I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, Can I help you? Just practicing. – Mitch Hedberg

I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again! – Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So, I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it. – Mitch Hedberg

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So, you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb! – Mitch Hedberg

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, Screw it. Cut ’em up! – Mitch Hedberg

We don’t have to fix anything. – Mitch Hedberg

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. – Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. – Mitch Hedberg

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring, and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me. – Mitch Hedberg

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. – Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. – Mitch Hedberg

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. – Mitch Hedberg

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, Come back tomorrow, bring your friends! When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow. – Mitch Hedberg

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, Please try again. Because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. …Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me… Come on Mitchell, don’t give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. – Mitch Hedberg

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail! – Mitch Hedberg

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. – Mitch Hedberg

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong. – Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down. – Mitch Hedberg

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions. – Mitch Hedberg

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom’s gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let’s print up some flyers! – Mitch Hedberg

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup. – Mitch Hedberg

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person! – Mitch Hedberg

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff. – Mitch Hedberg

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss – Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away. – Mitch Hedberg

As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So, if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee! That’s what you say when you’re having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people. – Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get; I’ll never be as good as a wall. – Mitch Hedberg

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. – Mitch Hedberg

I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this! I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend…’Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I’ve got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it’s back home, in the file. Under d…for doughnut.’ – Mitch Hedberg

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That’s why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It’s not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won’t get mad because it glows in the dark too. – Mitch Hedberg

I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, Do you know anybody who has AIDS?. He says, No. I say, Cool, because you know me. – Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. – Mitch Hedberg

I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows? – Mitch Hedberg

It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky. – Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.’ – Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. – Mitch Hedberg

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. – Mitch Hedberg

I can read minds, but I’m illiterate. – Mitch Hedberg

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some special rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren’t allowed to touch. So, the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it’s free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It’s like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don’t worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck. – Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. – Mitch Hedberg

Why are there no duringpictures? – Mitch Hedberg

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. – Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. – Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later. – Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. – Mitch Hedberg

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. – Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. – Mitch Hedberg

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me; this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then! – Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus… one of those two doesn’t sound right. – Mitch Hedberg

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, DuFresnes, party of two. They say again, DuFresnes, party of two. But then if no one answers, they’ll just go to the next name, Bush, party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they’re hungry! That’s a double whammy! Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! – Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets. – Mitch Hedberg

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too… I tried to taste it, but it did not work’. – Mitch Hedberg

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out. – Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. – Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. – Mitch Hedberg

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. – Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait. – Mitch Hedberg

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. – Mitch Hedberg

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. – Mitch Hedberg

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’ – Mitch Hedberg

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he’s afflicted, but I’m not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I’d get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story. – Mitch Hedberg

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. – Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast. – Mitch Hedberg

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