Mitchell Lee Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Funny, witty, yet inspirational Mitch Hedberg quotes and jokes make you laugh every time.
If you’re searching for funny quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of John Mulaney quotes, sarcastic Rodney Dangerfield quotes, and best Steven Wright quotes.
Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes
A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin, and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg
I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids. Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Mitch Hedberg
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right. Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. Mitch Hedberg
I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny. Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny! Mitch Hedberg
I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying. Mitch Hedberg
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself. Mitch Hedberg
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. Mitch Hedberg
It’s weird people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg
People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle. Mitch Hedberg
I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation. Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, I’m gonna go shave, too. Mitch Hedberg
I’m sick of following my dream, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going then hook up with em later. Mitch Hedberg
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up position. Mitch Hedberg
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, Come back tomorrow, bring your friends! When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow. Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Mitch Hedberg
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Mitch Hedberg
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
I tried to throw a yo yo away. It was impossible. Mitch Hedberg
I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again! Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
My roommate said to me, I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom? It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m. and it said, Sorry, we’re closed. You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m. and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. Mitch Hedberg
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here. Mitch Hedberg
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. Mitch Hedberg
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that. Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin, and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah. Mitch Hedberg
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself. Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said Where do you see yourself in five years? I said, Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question! Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero? Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg
This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were! Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg
I have a cheese shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips. Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus. Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. Mitch Hedberg
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don’t have to fix anything. Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg
I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house. Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, Here’s a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I’m older. You son of bit, how’d you pull that off Let me see that camera. What’s it look like. Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. Mitch Hedberg
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. Mitch Hedberg
Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day. Mitch Hedberg
I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows? Mitch Hedberg
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg
