I placed my feet firmly on the ground with each step I took toward a room filled with smiles. I was greeted quite overwhelmingly by the sharp scent of antiseptic fragrance but there was something new. Something that my nose had never picked up before. An aroma so soft, so comforting, I could almost see floating soft flower petals and cotton.
As I approached the tiny creature laying in the plastic-looking box on top of mobile wheels I heard the excited yet calm, steady and loud beating of my heart in my ears. With my toes tipped, I reached up and gently held on to the latch of the box. In there, a beautiful scent and a sound reached me. A gurgle. Something that I’ve never heard before. I hesitated as I placed my hand on this soft, fragile-looking creature afraid to hurt or break it. My entire being, enthralled. I could not hear or see anything other than this gift. This present that I wanted and begged for so badly. My baby sister. My sweet, fragile sister. An angel.
The only thing I enjoyed as an only child for 8 years was that I had a room all to myself and a play vanity dressing table whereupon I graced every morning without fail. Being of young age, I don’t remember details and such but I do remember wanting a sister rather desperately. It was only when we shifted to a new home where I settled in a triangular-shaped room much smaller than in my previous abode that I knew my parents weren’t going to give me what I wanted.
However, it was a short time after we moved in that my mother got pregnant. Fast forward 9 months and I was waving goodbye to my parents as they headed for a check-in to the hospital to prepare for labour while my grandmother cared for me.
I will never ever forget the day I met my sister for the first time. I remember my heart and eyes swelling up with tears but not flowing (if my memory serves me correctly). I was touched by this amazing being.
My growing up years wasn’t great except for the holidays my parents took me on and my baby sister. Other than that, all I have are memories of my mother driving me insane mentally, emotionally and with physical beatings for academic purposes that I still unwillingly recall today.
If you’ve read my much earlier posts on how I started having depression, you would know that my teenage years were a living hell too. Unforgettable. I have attempted suicide a couple of times in my life. Today, my life has dived further, deep downhill with this bizarre state of constant dizziness along with vertigo after that prank.
As I reflect upon my life and watch how my sister is a beautiful 18 year old now, I realised how much I am trying to survive for her. For her because she doesn’t deserve to live a life with the weight of her elder sister’s death on her shoulders. For her because she has enough problems and struggles of her own trying to understand, find and live a godly life in this sin-ridden world. For her because she tries so hard to stay strong for me and my mother (who has back issues too). For her because she deserves to be loved. For her because of her silent, kind heart. For her just because, she’s my sister.
As I type this, tears fill my heart. How I am unable to give her more now as a sister. Small things like taking her out to dinner, giving her extra pocket money to hang out with her friends or buying her a new shirt. Things that I should have done more of earlier had I known this would happen to me. Most importantly, I would be more able to lead her back to Christ. To show her what he showed me during my life-changing conversion camp. Also, tears because of the love I feel toward her. My angel.
I am filled with guilt, distress and self-condemnation. I know that she doesn’t blame me for the state I’m in. I know I shouldn’t too, but had I responded to God’s prompting to get out of my lifestyle choices, then maybe I would have never ended up in this state. I guess I’m too stubborn by nature and drawn to constant partying. He has taught me and revealed to me a lot in this state. Things that I would have never known or learnt because I refused to slow down or stop.
Each time I feel drawn to suicide now, I look at my sister and I know she doesn’t deserve that. The first time I attempted suicide, my thoughts of her made me hesitate. It is the same today and forever will be. I do hope that she would always be the reason I would want to continue going strong. I do wish to feel and understand fully the love of Christ so that I can share it with her.
My wish is that one day, we would both be walking together toward Christ. I love my sister so much though I hardly show it. Or rather, I don’t know how to.
My prayer today is that you have someone or that you may find someone whom you love or who loves you and that it will be enough for you to hang on to life no matter how painful and tough it gets. May God place someone in your life that you would never want to leave behind.
“Family is a circle of strength and love, founded on faith; joined in love; kept by God; forever together.”
Be kind to one another,
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